Bagel Boy




Bagel Boy 1
January 12, 2010

Benny’s Bagel Bakery.

A screen hangs above the stage, which will feature a series of charming projections. The specifics of the figures onstage are obscured by shadow.

The counter houses an old fashioned cash register, a coffee machine and baskets and baskets of delicious bagels.

Two shadowy figures stand behind the counter.

Several people stand in line, ABIGAIL SHAY at the front.

PROJECTION
Every day, Abigail Shay went to Benny’s Bagel Bakery for breakfast.

The “Benny’s Bagel Bakery” sign and ABIGAIL light up.

PROJECTION
She always ordered the exact same thing.

ABIGAIL
One chocolate chip bagel, lightly toasted, hold the cream cheese. And a small coffee please.

She accepts her ticket and stands off to the side.

PROJECTION
She did this partially out of a sense of fun. She did it out of a love for consistency. But mostly, she did it for him.

Lights come up on BAGEL BOY, the man behind the counter. He is adorable.

BAGEL BOY
Toasted chocolate chip and a small coffee?

ABIGAIL (aside)
I first saw Bagel Boy a few months ago. This was during my toasted what and fat-free milk phase. Back when I thought about being healthy. He was behind the counter; he took my order. He was like a mixture of Jim Sturgess and Jake Gyllenhaal – serving bagels. I saw him, and in that one glance I knew everything: he was an English major in college, or philosophy or something in that vein. He went to a small liberal arts college where they don’t give letter grades, where he could freely explore his artistic and intellectual prowess – he reads poetry and great novels, like Hemingway and Poe. He’s a musician – guitar perhaps, or piano – and only works such a mediocre job because he needs the money in order to fund the super-awesome indie band he frontlines during his off hours. He’s sweet, soulful, romantic, and yearning—

SNAGGLE TOOTH, a less attractive coworker, steps up ABIGAIL’S breakfast from BAGEL BOY.

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Oi! Toasted chocolate chip and a small coffee!

ABIGAIL
Oh, that’s me!

SNAGGLE TOOTH (to BAGEL BOY)
See? That’s how you do it.

ABIGAIL
Thank you.

BAGEL BOY
No problem.

Bagel Boy #2

Benny’s Bagel Bakery

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Toasted wheat!

ABIGAIL
No. Toasted chocolate chip. And a small decaf coffee.

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Sorry. Thought wheat was your regular.

ABIGAIL
Yeah, like four months ago.

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Sorry. Guess I haven’t worked regular house for you in a while.

ABIGAIL
Are you going to toast my bagel?

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Of course.

ABIGAIL
Slow morning.

SNAGGLE TOOTH
11:30 on a Sunday. Everyone’s in church. Or hungover.

ABIGAIL
You’re working alone?

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Yeah. Everyone’s in church. Or hungover. I get all the tips.

ABIGAIL
All the pennies.

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Hey. That’s 10% of a stick of gum.

The toaster dings.

ABIGAIL
That’s my bagel.

SNAGGLE TOOTH
It is.

ABIGAIL
Can I have my bagel?

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Sure.

He slowly and deliberately retrieves it for her.

ABIGAIL
Thanks.

She exits out of the bakery, just in time to run smack into BAGEL BOY.

BAGEL BOY
Oh god, I’m, I’m so sorry.

ABIGAIL
Hi.

BAGEL BOY
Hi. (Beat) Let me get you some napkins.

He runs inside.

The Epic Adventures of Bagel Boy #3
January 24, 2010

Outside of Benny’s Bagel Bakery.

ABIGAIL stands there, sopping in coffee. BAGEL BOY runs out with napkins.

BAGEL BOY
Here, here you go.

ABIGAIL
Thank you.

BAGEL BOY
Here, uh, lemme help you with that.

He awkwardly tries to help her sop it off.

SUPERTITLES
Bagel Boy’s efforts at sopping off the coffee were completely futile. That doesn’t mean that Abigail tried to stop him.

BAGEL BOY
Sorry this… this doesn’t look like it’s coming off.

SUPERTITLES
Abigail immediately thought: That is so not what she said.

BAGEL BOY
I’m so sorry.

ABIGAIL
I can go home and change and just throw this in the washing machine. It’s… it’s no big deal.

BAGEL BOY
Yes it is, it—coffee. I owe you a coffee. Let me go get you a coffee. Or better yet, let me take you out for coffee. Real coffee.

SUPERTITLES
 On the inside Abigail was dancing. On the inside Abigail was singing. But on the outside, the most Abigail could muster was:

ABIGAIL
That sounds great.

SNAGGLE TOOTH walks out.

SNAGGLE TOOTH
You’re shift is starting.

BAGEL BOY
My shift ends at four thirty. I’ll see you then?

ABIGAIL
See you then!

BAGEL BOY goes inside.

SNAGGLE TOOTH
God what a spaz. I can’t believe he ran into you like that. Jerk.

SUPERTITLES
Abigail wasn’t listening to what Snaggle Tooth said. She was too busy concentrating on what the ensuing evening would entail: 

The Epic Adventures of Bagel Boy #4
January 25, 2010

Dreamworld. Everything is cheesy, fake – and somehow wonderful.

ABIGAIL stands alone, in pure and utter bliss.

SUPERTITLES
Abigail knew exactly how coffee would go.

BAGEL BOY walks over, wearing a dapper suit. He holds a tray with two coffees in one hand, the other concealing a red rose behind his back. Delightedly, she takes the coffee. He hands her the rose, giving a little delightful bow.

She takes a sip of her coffee. It’s hot. She smiles apologetically, and he grins back.

They start walking, pantomiming conversation.

SUPERTITLES
They would talk of everything and nothing.

She smiles – he smiles back – it’s adorable.

SUPERTITLES
Sparkling stars would dot the sky.

As if by magic, the sky begins to twinkle.

SUPERTITLES
Serenading violin notes would fill the air.

A waltz begins to play, crescendoing in.

SUPERTITLES
And snow would fall.

Snow begins to fall in an erratic pattern – someone is obviously throwing it on.

ABIGAIL looks at BAGEL BOY and smiles. He smiles back, and sweeps her off her feet.

They begin to dance!

He sweeps her this way and that, holding her close and spinning her deftly. There are lifts involved. They seem to dance on air!

A number of neon signs light up: True Love. Perfect Match. Meant to Be.
The song begins to slow, and BAGEL BOY puts her down from her latest lift. He drops to one knee and pulls out a ring. She gasps happily, and puts the ring on her finger. BAGEL BOY smiles and stands up. They kiss.

SUPERTITLES
Oh it was going to be a lovely evening.

Bagel Boy #5
January 26, 2010

Outside Benny’s Bagel Bakery. Just after closing. ABIGAIL sits at one of the tables. BAGEL BOY mans the counter.

ABIGAIL
It’s really sweet of you to do this for me.

BAGEL BOY
It’s not every day I pelt a pretty girl with coffee. Might as well remedy it properly. What would you like?

ABIGAIL
Just a small decaf is fine.

BAGEL BOY
That is so boring.

ABIGAIL
I get chocolate chip bagels. I have to balance it with something dull.

BAGEL BOY
Well you’re not having a bagel now. So let’s add some spice to this.

He fixes something up and brings it over to her.

ABIGAIL
What is this?

BAGEL BOY
Just a regular coffee. I added a shot of espresso and some chocolate, but nothing major. If you’re used to decaf, I don’t want to send too big a shock to your system.

ABIGAIL
Thank you so much.

BAGEL BOY
So, Miss Toasted Chocolate Chip and Small Decaf, who are you?

ABIGAIL
Who am I?

BAGEL BOY
Shoot.

ABIGAIL
My name is Abigail. I’m a med student.

BAGEL BOY
Smart stuff.

ABIGAIL
Yeah. What about you?

BAGEL BOY
I—

ABIGAIL
Are you in an indie band?

BAGEL BOY
A what?

ABIGAIL
Are you in an indie band? Because that’s so awe—

BAGEL BOY
I’m not in an indie band.

ABIGAIL
Oh, I—

BAGEL BOY
Yeah.

ABIGAIL
I’m sorry. I just kind of assumed.

BAGEL BOY
You—

ABIGAIL
It’s the scruff.

BAGEL BOY
The—

ABIGAIL
You’re—It just kind of screams, you know, singer-songwriter, guitar-crooning…

BAGEL BOY
(rubs face)
I’ve never heard that one before.

ABIGAIL
I just… I make up… stuff, like that. For people I meet.

BAGEL BOY
Really.

ABIGAIL
Yeah…

BAGEL BOY
What else have you made up for me.

ABIGAIL
Oh god.

BAGEL BOY
Yeah?

ABIGAIL
You’re going to think I’m so creepy.

BAGEL BOY
Try me.

ABIGAIL
I made up a name for you.

BAGEL BOY
A na—

ABIGAIL
You guys don’t wear nametags, so I made up a name.

BAGEL BOY
So what’s my name?

ABIGAIL
It’s probably wrong.

BAGEL BOY
It might be right.

ABIGAIL
Drew.

BAGEL BOY
Drew?

ABIGAIL
Or Jake. Or James. Or if I’m lucky I could get the whole thing with Andrew Jacob James, or James Andrew Jacobs, or—

BAGEL BOY
I’m none of those.

ABIGAIL
Yeah, I—

BAGEL BOY
It’s Chris.

Beat.

ABIGAIL
Are you sure?

CHRIS
Yup.

ABIGAIL
So I wasn’t close at all.

CHRIS
Well…

ABIGAIL
Ai.

CHRIS
This is—

ABIGAIL
This is embarrassing.

CHRIS
I have a cousin named Jake. And a high school friend named Drew.

ABIGAIL
It’s—

CHRIS
So you were kind of close.

ABIGAIL
I wasn’t close at all.

CHRIS
It’s okay. What—what else did you make up for me?

ABIGAIL
Well there’s the indie band thing.

CHRIS
Like I said, I’m—

ABIGAIL
So I’m at a loss, zero for two.

Note: I’m changing Chris’ name to Shane. I like it better.

The Epic Adventures of Bagel Boy #6
June 25, 2010

Benny’s Bagel Bakery. SHANE stands at the register, looking out.

Lights come up downstage right. ABIGAIL sits at her breakfast table.

SUPERTITLES
The following Monday, Abigail decided to eat cereal.

ABIGAIL
Yum.

DL lights go down. SHANE keeps looking out.

DL lights come up. ABIGAIL still at her breakfast table, wearing a different sweater.

SUPERTITLES
Tuesday, Abigail decided to eat cereal again.

ABIGAIL
Yummy yum-yum!

DL lights go down. SHANE keeps looking out.

DL lights come up. ABIGAIL still at her breakfast table, wearing a different sweater.

SUPERTITLES
Wednesday, cereal again.

ABIGAIL
Mmm.

DL lights go down. SHANE keeps looking out.

DL lights come up. ABIGAIL still at her breakfast table, wearing a different sweater.

SUPERTITLES
Thursday. Cereal.

ABIGAIL smiles.

DL lights go down. SHANE keeps looking out.

DL lights come up. ABIGAIL still at her breakfast table, wearing a different sweater.

SUPERTITLES
Friday – she ran out of milk.

ABIGAIL
Shit.

DL lights go down. ABIGAIL walks into Benny’s.

SHANE
Hello Chocolate Chip and small decaf!

ABIGAIL
I think I’ll just have toasted wheat.

SHANE
Then maybe a more exciting coffee?

ABIGAIL
Just a decaf, thanks.

SHANE
Seems kinda boring.

ABIGAIL
Boring’s fine.

SHANE
Lemme toast this for you.

Silence.

SHANE
You haven’t been in for a few days.

ABIGAIL
I’ve been experimenting with cereal.

SHANE
Cereal’s different. That’s exciting. That why you want boring today?

Silence.

SHANE
Listen: I’m sorry that I’m not as sexy or exciting as you thought I would be. I’m sorry I’m not some tortured artist or whiny singer-songwriter—

ABIGAIL
Quirky indie band guitarist.

SHANE
Yeah that. I’m just some community college B-student with a cat and no musical ability. But I do think you’re a great girl and I kinda like you. I’d like to get to know you better. Here.
(He pulls out a rose – a few days old, starting to dry and wilt)
 It was fresh and alive when I got it for you on, um, Monday but then, you know, the week kinda happened and so now it’s—

ABIGAIL
Thanks Shane.

SHANE
Listen: I get off work at 5 today. I’d like to take you out to dinner. Dinner and a movie. Let’s see how it goes just, two people talking about their interests, the weather, sports... Or maybe we can talk about the preconceptions a certain bagel store worker had about a pretty girl who walked in every day ordering a chocolate chip bagel. Whaddya think?

ABIGAIL
My bagel’s done.

SHANE
Oh. Here.

ABIGAIL
What did you think of me?

SHANE
I thought—you’ll have to go to dinner with me to find out.

ABIGAIL
I think we can work something out?

SHANE
Yeah?

ABIGAIL
Yup.

SHANE
Great! I’m looking forward to it.

ABIGAIL
Yeah?

SHANE
See you later.

ABIGAIL
Yeah!

SHANE
Should I… pick you up?

ABIGAIL
Sure.

SHANE
Where?

ABIGAIL grabs a napkin and writes something on it.

SHANE
See you then.

ABIGAIL
Yeah. Bye.

SHANE
Your bagel!

ABIGAIL
Oh, right! See you tonight.

SHANE
See ya!

ABIGAIL
Bye.

SHANE
Bye!

ABIGAIL walks out. She smiles.

SHANE allows himself a victory fist pump.



The Epic Adventures of Bag Boy #7
Catch up first here

As if the real world were a dream.

ABIGAIL looks at the red rose. She smiles.

SHANE enters. They sit down at a table. They open menus.

SUPERTITLES
They talked of everything and nothing.

She smiles – he smiles back – it’s adorable.

SUPERTITLES
Clouds covered the sky. But a few airplanes managed to provide a bit of twinkle.

A plane light flies across.

SUPERTITLES
The restaurant played a cheesy CD.

Terrible music plays. ABIGAIL laughs.

SUPERTITLES
And snow fell.

Snow drifts softly outside.

SHANE
Would you like to dance?

ABIGAIL
That sounds great.

They dance. Neither of them is particularly good. But it doesn’t really matter, now does it?

SUPERTITLES
It was a lovely evening. 


The Epic Adventures of Bagel Boy #8

Benny’s Bagel Bakery. SNAGGLE TOOTH stands behind the register.

ABIGAIL walks in. She stops.

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Hello!

ABIGAIL
Isn’t this Shane’s shift? I told him I’d—

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Yes.

ABIGAIL
Is he in the back?

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Nope.

ABIGAIL
Where is he?

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Bagel Boy doesn’t work here any more.

ABIGAIL
What?

SNAGGLE TOOTH
He ran off with Benny’s wife.

ABIGAIL
No.

SNAGGLE TOOTH
God’s honest truth. See: I have the note he left for Benny.

He hands it to her.

NARRATOR
Dear Benny: I am banging your wife. Bitch.

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Benny fired him.

ABIGAIL
Where is he now?

SNAGGLE TOOTH
No idea. Probably banging Benny’s wife. Or looking for a new job. Benny said he’d never work in a bagel shop again.

ABIGAIL wails.

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Would you like a consolatory coffee?

She runs out.

SHANE walks out, tying on his apron.

SHANE
Hey, sorry I’m late. How’s the morning?

SNAGGLE TOOTH
You just missed Abigail.

SHANE
She left? You didn’t tell her I was just running late?

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Yeah… it seemed like she and that guy really wanted to get going.

SHANE
That guy?

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Some med school guy she was with. They were holding hands. It was cute.

SHANE
I don’t…

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Ooh wait, you were seeing her, weren’t you?

SHANE
I—

SNAGGLE TOOTH
Tough break dude.

SHANE
I’ll be in back.

The Epic Adventures of Bagel Boy #9

ABIGAIL listens to lecture, forlornly.

NARRATOR
Abigail hardly knew what to do with herself.

ABIGAIL
I hardly know what to do with myself.

NARRATOR
She’d never been so sad in her entire life.

ABIGAIL
I’ve never been so sad in my entire life!

SHANE kneads dough, forlornly.

NARRATOR
Shane hardly knew what to do with himself.

SHANE
I hardly know what to do with myself.

NARRATOR
He’d never been so sad in his entire life.

SHANE
I’ve never been so sad in my entire life.

ABIGAIL brushes her teeth, forlornly.

NARRATOR
Abigail saw no point to life.

ABIGAIL
There’s no point in life!

NARRATOR
Without Shane.

ABIGAIL
Without Shane!

SHANE pours coffee, forlornly.

NARRATOR
Shane felt the days felt longer.

SHANE
The days feel longer.

NARRATOR
Without Abigail.

SHANE
Without Abigail.

ABIGAIL stares out, forlornly.

NARRATOR
Abigail wondered how Shane had become so important to her.

ABIGAIL
How did Shane become so important to me?

NARRATOR
He wasn’t smart or interesting or talented or artistic or poetic or intellectual or outstanding or fascinating or exceptional or—

SHANE
Hey!

NARRATOR
He wasn’t the Prince Charming she’d imagined he’d be.

ABIGAIL
But he is kinda cute.

NARRATOR
But he was kinda cute. And to Abigail, that’s all that mattered.

ABIGAIL
But he’s off with Benny’s wife. Probably making sweet sweet bagel babies. Oh well. To Dunkin’ Donuts I go!