Agent Ocelot

ACT I

Scene 1

Setting: The midst of utter chaos.

The lights come up with a BANG and we are thrust into the midst of utter chaos. Lights flashing, bullets flying, and smoke billowing. The omnipresence of cacophony provides a shocking soundtrack. This cannot be good.

AGENTS outfitted in all black outfits and equipped with only the latest technology, rush about, attempting to quell the overwhelming pandemonium. They work in pairs.

One pertinent pair is the team of IRA WATERS and PETER SILVERSTEIN. PETER, who enjoys blowing things up, is making every effort to be the suave, James Bond type. IRA is doing his very best to calculate everything to the last second.

Far surpassing any of these other agents are STELLA TINE and KEITH OCELOT. The stunning STELLA reeks of sophistication, level-headedness and superiority. The dashing KEITH highly resembles both a stone cold fox: clever, quick witted and wonderfully good looking (as in, “damn, that guy is a fox”). However, he has the emotional capacity of a cold stone (as in, “none”).

The teams begin to fall out, until only PETER, IRA, STELLA and KEITH are left.

KEITH
Want to go in and squash this overgrown garden mess?

STELLA
Let’s let the novices try it a bit.

KEITH
Waters! Silverstein! Offensive! Tine and I have your back!

The two of them take defensive positions.

IRA and PETER suddenly realize that it is all on them. This perturbs them mightily and they get to determining what oh what to do.

IRA
So, we could one eighty the three oh five—

PETER
No.

IRA
What about a blue diamond mixed with a seventeen thirty.

PETER
No.

IRA
Or a Lazy Betty covered by a six oh three—

PETER
No, no, no!

IRA
Then what Peter? What?

PETER
Let’s just wing it!

IRA
I don’t think—

PETER
This isn’t a time for thinking Ira! This is a time for doing!

PETER runs right into the heat of battle. IRA whimpers dejectedly, then follows on his heels.

A large EXPLOSION rings. A frightening FIGURE begins to emerge from the smoke

STELLA
Fuck.

KEITH
Let the noobs do it. Brilliant plan.

STELLA
Seventh dwarf into a little mermaid?

KEITH
With a B flat major fish scale on the tail?

STELLA
Hellz yes.

KEITH
Gladly partner.

They launch into a Seventh Dwarf configuration, followed by a Little Mermaid with a B flat major fish scale on the tail. Use your imagination.

The menacing FIGURE continues to approach, and they continue to Little Mermaid

Right when they seem on the peak of victory, PETER sits up and attempts to shoot. The FIGURE blasts them all.

KEITH
Damn noob…

OMINOUS MUSIC plays over the desolate battlefield. Then, the FIGURE removes his helmet to reveal VINNY, an elderly man with a disgusted smirk.

VINNY
All right, pick it up, pick it up.

Moaning a little, the AGENTS all pick themselves up.

The walls scoot offstage, revealing that we are in the headquarters of Secret Hinderers of International Terror (S-Hit): a secret subset of the American government.

VINNY, leader of S-Hit, stands center stage, carefully removing his FIGURE costume and handing it to an ASSISTANT. He is a gruff man of advanced years with eagle eyes.

DOREEN, his adoring wife, comes on. She sets up a tea table and begins to pour him tea.

VINNY
So. The nation’s best lost to an old man?

IRA
We almost…

VINNY
Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. Pitiful, just pitiful. If this is how you are all going to act during a training exercise, how can I expect you to act in a real situation? This is S-Hit, the Secret Hinderers of International Terror, we are the ones the FBI calls to fix their mistakes, we are the ones the CIA calls when they shit their pants, we are the ones who tell Chuck Norris to eat his vegetables. And you, you, S-Hitters, you just lost to an old man with a few fun toys. I’ve a mind to rename you Charlie’s Angels Rejects. Pitiful, just pitiful. Now, I took some notes… hot damn my handwriting is terrible, I must remember to get a secretary.
(Notices DOREEN.)
Who are you?

DOREEN
I’m Doreen. I’m your wife. We’ve been married thirty seven years.

VINNY
Well, you’re my secretary now.

Without missing a beat, DOREEN sits down. She pulls out a pad of paper and a pen and begins to take notes.

VINNY
So. Let us review what happened during this pitiful excuse for a training exercise.

He takes out a remote control and clicks it at the screen. A still image of the earlier training exercise clicks on. As he narrates, VINNY clicks to new images. In many of the images, the AGENTS have put themselves in rather precarious positions with unflattering facial configurations.

VINNY
It all seemed to start out okay. I thought, wow, this seems rather easy. Too easy in fact. So I added a few explosions. And three pairs were out. Some smoke and sirens. Another two or three down. A smattering of barnyard animals and we’re down half the remaining team. A few failed tactics, shoddy teamwork, a disastrous attempt at a quadro-couple spawn sink and next thing you know we’re down to two teams. Now, I know this sounds dismal – and it is you pack of failures. But, this could have worked. Please observe. Silverstein and Waters had the perfect opportunity. Weak spot here, two excellent agents holding their defense… but what did they do wrong?

IRA
We didn’t work as a team.

VINNY
Exactly. Now. It was down to Stella and Keith.  And what was the problem?

STELLA
Peter tried to help but it interfered.

KEITH
Noob here fucked it up.

STELLA
He did not fuck it up. He misjudged.

DOREEN
Excuse me. Is that noob, N-E-W-B or N-U-B-E?

KEITH
It’s actually a double O. N-O-O—

STELLA
He did not fuck up.

VINNY
No, he did fuck it up. And as a punishment we all must point at him and laugh. Ready?

VINNY clears his throat. He points at PETER; others follow suit. They laugh uproariously. He stops laughing and the chuckles immediately cease.

VINNY
Now that we have done that, let us point and laugh at Ocelot and Tine. Ready?

VINNY clears his throat. He points at a puzzled KEITH and a glowering STELLA; others follow suit. All laugh uproariously. He stops laughing and the chuckles immediately cease.

KEITH
What gives? Noob fucked up.

VINNY
Yes, but someday in the field you may be straddled with a “noob” – and I spell it N-E-W-B, I’m classy like that – and they may fuck things up, but you do NOT get mad at Newb; you salvage the situation and don’t get beat up by an old man!
(He smacks KEITH.)
Now. It is getting to be very late. I want you all to go home and mull over how depressing it is that you were beat up by an old man.

They break. KEITH starts to walk off. STELLA runs after him.

STELLA
Keith!

KEITH
What?

STELLA
Remember how we jammed a couple jet packs in Switzerland on Thursday?

KEITH
Yeah.

STELLA
Maintenance started fixing them but Peter and Ira blew up a couple demi-boots and they’ve had to concentrate on fixing those but the jet packs are still jammed—

KEITH
Do you need me to fix them?

STELLA
I can fix them. I just need some help.

KEITH
You can’t fix them. Stupid woman…

STELLA
Excuse me. I graduated from the Academy with much higher marks in mechanics than you Mister.

KEITH
Blah blah blah. You still need me to do it.

STELLA
Really.

KEITH
Lame-o.

STELLA
Really.

KEITH
Incompetent, moronic, stupid woman.

STELLA
Well guess what loser. I’ll do it without you. Ha! Go home to Nina.

KEITH
Fine by me. I don’t feel like staying overtime.

He saunters off.

STELLA
Dammit.

STELLA walks over to a cabinet and takes out a jet pack and some tools. She begins to fix it. MITCHELL FROM COMMUNICATIONS, a gawky young man with a desperate glint in his eye, walks up to her.

MITCHELL
Hey Stella.

STELLA
Hello Mitchell.

MITCHELL
You need some help with that?

STELLA
Sweetie you’re from communications. I highly doubt you know how to fix a jetpack.

MITCHELL
You never know. Maybe I have some secret talents.

STELLA
I really wouldn’t feel comfortable—

MITCHELL
Are you saying you don’t think I can do it?

STELLA
Pretty much yeah.

MITCHELL’S eyes begin to fog up.

STELLA
Don’t cry, don’t cry… you are marvelous at what you do. You are Mitchell from Communications. And you are marvelous.

MITCHELL
Then why didn’t you choose me?

STELLA
Mitchell…

MITCHELL
It was between me and that dickweed Spencer, and you chose—

STELLA
I would highly appreciate it Mitchell if you did not bring that up.

MITCHELL
Because you feel wracked with guilt and want to make amends by going out with me?

STELLA
Because it was three years ago Mitchell. And I don’t like to dig up skeletons.

MITCHELL
Why didn’t you choose me?

STELLA
Because I didn’t love you.

MITCHELL
Do you love me now?

STELLA
I’m sorry Mitch. No.

Pause.

MITCHELL
What about now?

STELLA
Mitch…

MITCHELL
Come on…

STELLA
I mean, you’re a dear, dear friend, but I just don’t… not that way.

MITCHELL
Is it because you have the hots for Keith?

STELLA
Don’t be silly.

MITCHELL
You seem rather lonely.

STELLA
I’m not.

MITCHELL
Everything would have turned out so much better if you’d chosen me.

MITCHELL exits.

LIGHTS change to monologue mode.

STELLA
I always dated boys who had never been kissed. That’s just how things worked.

When I joined S-Hit, they gave me a partner. He was a vet, years and years on the job. His name is… was Spencer. He was smart, funny, gorgeous… and he always had my back. When I would feel lost or hesitate a bit or completely fuck up… He would always be there to catch me.

I always dated boys who had never been kissed. Only Spencer was different.

They tell us to not fall in love. That’s the first rule you learn. Especially with your partner.  Something could happen and in an instant, you’re gone. And if your partner goes into deep mourning over you, well, that’s two out for the price of one. Spencer and I kind of broke that rule. It was blissful really. There’s nothing more fun than killing a bunch of Russian spies with your beloved. But then there was an instant… just one instant…

Keith’s my partner now. Keith Ocelot. The first time I met him, Spencer… Anyway, Spencer was just a rookie and I like to welcome rookies. I really appreciated how welcoming Spencer was with me and I wanted to make sure new agents felt just as at home as I did. Well maybe, not in the same way, but… you get the picture.

So you see, we have this ball every year and I being a friendly mentor figure asked if he was going. And he said, “I hate dances.” And I said, why? And he said, “Because I have to put on a tux, listen to crap music and take some girl I don’t like. “ And I, being a friendly mentor type asked, then why don’t you take a girl you do like! This isn’t high school after all. You can be assertive and brave, right? And I could’ve sworn he replied: “Because you’re already going with Spencer. “

I asked him about that later, after Spencer… but he denied. He said I heard wrong. Or he was probably just kidding. He’s the kidding type. Besides, he has this quasi-girlfriend Nina. She’s really pretty.

They shouldn’t let you fall in love with your partner. When Spencer… And if Keith…

And Keith has surely been kissed. So not my type.

STELLA starts fixing jet packs. VINNY walks up.

VINNY
Shouldn’t Keith be helping you with that?

STELLA
I can do it myself. I am more experienced than he is.

VINNY
Did he ditch you again?

STELLA
Yes.

VINNY
Do I need to have a talk—

STELLA
It’s off hours. And maintenance really should be doing this. It is perfectly legitimate for him to be home. With Nina.

VINNY
Nina?

STELLA
Yeah.

VINNY
I didn’t know he was seeing anyone. Keith always struck me as being asexual. I mean all those missions you two have been on… all those femmes fatales trying to seduce him…

STELLA
And he’d just blow them up.

VINNY
Never subtle that man. But he never seems to get vibes like that. Is he really dating this, Nina girl?

STELLA
He’s not. She’s just a girl who moved into his apartment in an effort to make him fall in love with her and put his penis in her vagina.

Scene 2

Keith’s apartment.

Sports posters line the walls. Beer cans fill the trash cans. A ginormous big screen TV stands in a prominent spot in front of a plushy sofa. The apartment would almost scream BACHELOR PAD, except it is impeccably clean.

NINA, a buxom young lady clad in lacy underwear and a silk bathrobe, vacuums the carpet. She finds it quite fascinating.

KEITH enters. NINA becomes quite excited and scurries over.

NINA
Keith!

KEITH
            (monotone)
Hello Nina.

He throws his jacket on the floor. NINA bends over and picks it up, hanging it on a coat rack.

NINA
Oh, you’re so funny. You with your monotone voice. So so funny. Oh my god here, lookie lookie lookie, I have something really really cool to show you…

KEITH
Oh my god. Did you lyk, buy new lyk, shoes or something?

NINA
No no no silly, something much, much cooler. Look!

She presents the carpet with a slight “Tada!”

KEITH
The carpet?

NINA
Remember how you spilled the sand from your shoes all over the carpet yesterday?

KEITH
Vaguely.

NINA
Well, I used our brand new vacuum and tada! Not a grain of sand, I will grant you that. I did the whole carpet—

KEITH
Good for you.

NINA
It’s so amazing! This vacuum, it just sucks and sucks and sucks…
            (She demonstrates)
See?

KEITH
You suck. At life.

NINA
I could suck something else.

KEITH apparently didn’t hear this. He plops down on the couch and turns on the TV.

LIGHTS switch to monologue mode.

NINA
            (aside)
Oh! Is it my turn for a monologue? Ooh, yay, funfunfun, you’re all going to listen to me! Hooray! I love it when people listen to me. Because I love to talk! Talking is sooooo much fun. Especially talking about me! Heehee. And I like to talk about men. Especially men in movies. They’re always so handsome. I love it when they wear suits. Especially with ties. Oh my god, men should be required to wear suits all the time. With ties. It’s so… masculine. And pretty. I like pretty. And suits are pretty. With ties. Women dress up all nice and pretty all the time so men should too. In suits. With ties. Keith always wears a suit to work. A black one. And a tie. Most of the time it’s just a black tie. But sometimes he gets adventurous and wears a navy blue one. And one time, he wore one with stripes. Yeah. He has a few with stripes. But he tends to not wear them to work. You see, he has an especially dangerous job, and his suits are always getting ripped, and his ties especially. So he doesn’t wear the nice ones to work. He saves those for the weekends when we go out! Well, the weekends when he isn’t working. Which is never. But that’s understandable. I mean, I told him I want to go out but he doesn’t really want to and I don’t think he was listening to me. Keith never really listens to me. I mean like, he can hear me, he’s not deaf, he responds and all, he just… he never responds to what I say. It’s like it goes through some Keith filter and next thing you know we’re in two different planets! We’re not officially boyfriend and girlfriend, Keith and me. We’re kind of like, good friends. He’s a very good friend. A friend I would like to fuck. A lot. And I live with. And who I want to fall in love with me. And fuck. A lot. But he doesn’t seem to realize it. My wanting to fuck. A lot. It all just goes, whoop! Over his head. But that’s just Keith. I have to be understanding. And then someday we will fuck. A lot.

Lights return to normal

NINA
Let’s go out tonight.

KEITH
I’m hungry.

NINA
Let’s go out for dinner! My mother told me about the most darling restaurant. It’s a Titanic theme…

KEITH
I want a beer.

NINA
Let me go get you one!

NINA scurries off and returns with a beer. KEITH takes it and begins to sip.

NINA
Let’s have a candlelight dinner tonight. Us two.

KEITH
This is warm. Can you get me a cold one?

NINA runs off and returns with a new beer. He returns to sipping. NINA walks behind him and puts her arms around his neck. She begins to play with the top button on his shirt as she whispers in his ear.

NINA
How about the movies? Or the theatre? We could go roller skating. Or go to the beach! There are so many things we could do together!

KEITH
I think the batteries in the remote are running low. Remind me to pick up some new ones.

NINA
Oh I can take care of that.
We could watch a movie at home. Just us two. Something romantic… something funny… something scary, you could hold me while I quiver in fear… and anticipation…

KEITH has remained completely oblivious to her flirtations. She’s had enough. She hops over the couch and sits squarely on his lap.

NINA
Fuck it! Let’s just have sex!

KEITH
Could you move? You’re in the way of the TV…

She adjusts.

NINA
I think having sex would be really really fun.

KEITH
I want a cheeseburger.

NINA
Sex, sex! I am offering you easy sex!

KEITH
Remember, no onions.

NINA
We can just throw off our clothes and do it right now. Here, now, right now.

KEITH
And I want extra ketchup too.

NINA
Screw the cheeseburger, let’s fuck!

KEITH
Why can’t you be a cheeseburger right now? Then you’d be quiet and I’d be full.

NINA
What the fuck do you want me to do? What do I need to do? I am practically throwing myself at your feet, I am guaranteeing you wild crazy sex, there is an attractive, half-naked woman throwing herself at you, isn’t that what all men want, what do I need to do to get through to you?

KEITH
Get me a goddam cheeseburger!

LIGHTS change to monologue mode.

NINA
            (aside)
You see what I mean? I’m talking and talking and talking and—

The spotlight starts to move away from her.

NINA
            (aside)
You come back here!
Sometimes I just can’t… I just can’t believe. I… I try so hard. I’m so easy! I don’t understand, I…
Wait. Maybe, he just needs the energy. Maybe he knows our sex is going to be wild and crazy and energy draining so he needs red meat to make sure he can keep it up! And that’s why he needs a cheeseburger!

LIGHTS return to normal.

NINA
One second!

She flits off. Several suspicious sounds come from the kitchen and she return with a cheeseburger.

NINA
Here you go Keith-y-poo.

KEITH
Thanks.

Pause as KEITH chews.

NINA
Are we having sex now?

KEITH
Do we have any curly fries?

NINA
WHAT THE HELL? AM I INVISIBLE? ARE WE SPEAKING DIFFERENT LANGUAGES? WHY THE HELL CAN YOU NOT—

An ALARM rings. Trouble has begun to run amok!

KEITH
Time for work.

KEITH stands up and put his coat on. He adjusts his tie. He looks quite dashing. NINA notices. Perhaps a bit of swanky music.

KEITH
Don’t wait up for me.

KEITH exits.

NINA
Isn’t he a dream?

She returns to vacuuming as lights go down.

 Scene 3

Setting: Martin’s humble abode.

This is a tribute to all things Belgium. There is a prominent banner saying “I <3 Belgium,” a giant Belgian flag, numerous maps, photographs of famous Belgian figures, a large Smurf plush, etc.

MARTIN GAYFEER, a greasy little man who loves Belgium, sits onstage in a plushy seat, munching delicately on French fries. He has an accent somewhere in between French and Dutch. A MAID, who dons a skirt that looks suspiciously similar to the Belgian flag, dusts about.

GAYFEER
Did you know zat French fries are not actually French?

MAID
            (disinterested)
Really Mr. Gayfeer?

GAYFEER
No, no zey’re not… Vhere do you think zey come from?

MAID
I don’t know.

GAYFEER
Belgium! And you know what my favorite country is?

MAID
I have no idea.

GAYFEER
Take a guess.

MAID
Belgium?

GAYFEER
Precies!

MAID
I never would have guessed.

GAYFEER
Ah, but you did!

He returns to his quiet contemplation of the wonder of French fries. Offstage, there is a twinkling of shattered glass and the groans of many a fallen man.

GAYFEER
It vould appear zat ve have visitors.

STELLA and KEITH run in, heavily armed and sweating profusely.

GAYFEER
S-Hit has sent some agents, I see.

STELLA
We know about your bomb-making sweat shop Gayfeer. And it’s time to say Au revoir or Vaarwel or whatever the hell they say in your part of Belgium.

GAYFEER
Oh, ze charming Stella Tine has come I see.

KEITH
And the dashing Keith Ocelot.

STELLA
How do you know who I am?

GAYFEER
Zat is no matter to you.

STELLA
It—

GAYFEER
And zis Keith fellow… is he ze new Spencer mademoiselle?

STELLA
You have ten seconds to surrender or we blast your brains out.

GAYFEER
You see, ze problem vith your whole plan is you expect me to cooperate nicely and vhile I zink zat cooperation is most splendid, it vill be coming from you, not me.

STELLA cocks her gun. Various CRONIES enter. And epic fight scene ensues.

KEITH holds up a Smurf doll.

KEITH
The hell?

GAYFEER sees this and points his gun at him.

STELLA
No!

STELLA jumps in front of KEITH. The bullet grazes her arm and she falls to the side. The Smurf doll falls next to her with a slight thunk. Noticing the sound, she grabs it and scurries behind a desk. The battle continues without her.

Hidden behind the desk, she feels around the Smurf and takes off the head, revealing a flashdrive secured in the blue plush. She quickly puts it back in and hides the toy on her person.

On the battlefield, KEITH fights GAYFEER face to face. KEITH puts the gun to his face.

KEITH
Get ready to say au revoir loser.

GAYFEER
See you in hell.

He presses a button and chocolate and waffles rain down

STELLA
Keith! Let’s get out of here!


Scene 4

Setting: The Agency

Today is business as normal. DOREEN sits at a desk, typing up notes. MITCHELL leans against the wall, writing poetry. IRA and PETER sit at a desk, examining something in a Petrie dish. They can’t seem to agree on what it is.

KEITH bursts in, carrying STELLA.

KEITH
Someone go get Vinny!

STELLA
I’m fine Keith, I really—

MITCHELL
Stella! I wrote you a—You are hurt!

KEITH
            (to MITCHELL)
Commie, get Vinny! Doreen, do you have a pillow or something?

DOREEN pulls a pillow out of her desk. She props it up against the desk. KEITH carefully leans STELLA up on it.

KEITH
Stupid woman.

STELLA
Keith, I’m—

KEITH
Stop moving.

IRA
What happened?

KEITH
She took a bullet for me.

STELLA
I got it out—

IRA
You took a bullet for him?

STELLA
It just hit my arm…

DOREEN
Let me see.

STELLA obligatorily raises her bandaged arm.

DOREEN
Well you did a shoddy job wrapping it up.

STELLA
We were escaping from assassins. And Keith was driving.

DOREEN
I’ll fix that up for you.

DOREEN scurries to her desk and takes out a first aid kit.

MITCHELL runs in with VINNY.

VINNY
What is all this ruckus about, why—
            (notices DOREEN)
That’s a very nice necklace Doreen.

DOREEN
Thank you. You gave it to me for our twenty-fifth anniversary.

DOREEN pulls her chair out. KEITH helps STELLA into it.

VINNY
It’s very nice.
Tine! What is all this screaming?

KEITH
Martin Gayfeer—

VINNY
I asked Tine.

STELLA
Martin Gayfeer’s not just a small time bomb-maker. He’s producing big scale weapons. Big scale. I managed to grab these documents from his desk.

She hands the documents to VINNY. VINNY takes one look at them. His eyes grow large and he puts them down.

VINNY
I’ll get some agents on it. Commie, come with me

He and MITCHELL exit.

NINA enters. PETER stares at her, boggled by her scant attire.

NINA
Keith! Oh Keith, I got your text!

STELLA
Were you texting while you were driving?

KEITH
Maybe.

STELLA
No wonder you’re such a crappy driver.

NINA
Oh honey, are you okay?

KEITH
Did you bring any food?

NINA
Oh yes, of course.

She reaches into her purse and pulls out a wide array of foods.

PETER
Are you only wearing underwear?

NINA
I have a robe on too. Keith, how are you?

KEITH
I’m fine. I had a slight graze to the shoulder, and this guy tried to kill me point blank, but Stella took it.

NINA peers around KEITH to look at STELLA intently. Pause. In an effort to make the situation less awkward, STELLA waves with her uninjured arm. NINA comes to her senses.

NINA
Stella! I’ve heard so much about you!

STELLA
Good things I hope.

NINA
Oh, you know. Things! Have um… have you heard anything about me?

STELLA
Keith talks about you a bit. And you do call the office quite often. You do realize Keith normally keeps his phone on speakerphone.

NINA’S MESSAGE (V/O)
Hey Keith-y-poo, I just got back from the grocery store and I’ve got a package of hamburgers and a can of whipped cream with your name on it.

NINA
I did not know he did that. Keith dearie, are you ready to go home?

KEITH
Let me go get briefcase.

KEITH exits. NINA walks over to DOREEN.
  
NINA
Excuse me. Could Stella and I have some girl talk time?

DOREEN
Sure. I need to get some more gauze anyway.

NINA
Actually, if everyone could please give us a moment?

PETER
Cat fight.

IRA
Mrow.

NINA shoots him a dirty look. STELLA can barely contain her laughter.

NINA
Please?

PETER and IRA return to their Petrie dish. DOREEN looks through her desk. MITCHELL writes. But everyone keeps one ear on STELLA and NINA.

NINA
So. Stella.

STELLA
Nina.

NINA
You work with Keith. You’re his colleague.

STELLA
I’m his partner.

NINA
Colleague. Please. Partner sounds unsettlingly domestic.

STELLA
I’m his colleague.

NINA
Your bracelet is absolutely darling. Where did you get it?

STELLA
Spencer gave it to me.

NINA
Spencer?

STELLA
My old... colleague. We were really close.

NINA
Really.

STELLA
You know, when you spend so much time with someone in such harrowing, life-threatening situations, it really forces you to become close to someone.

NINA
Are you and Keith very close?

STELLA
Not as close as Spencer and I were.

NINA
Were?

STELLA
Spencer… Keith and I still have a while to get to the point Spencer and I ended at.

NINA
What point was that?

STELLA
We were fucking.

KEITH walks in.

KEITH
Can you drive home?

NINA
Sure.

NINA walks over to KEITH. She pulls the keys out of her cleavage and dangles them in front of his eyes.

NINA
Let’s go babe.

She smacks his butt. He looks at her exceptionally confused. He looks to STELLA for an answer. She shrugs. KEITH and NINA exit.

DOREEN
They are an interesting pair.

STELLA
I feel so bad for her. He doesn’t really like her. I don’t get why he let her move in.  

PETER
Ocelot lives with that hunk-a ass? Da-yum!

IRA
She is a woman Peter. Not a “Hunk-a ass.”

They both exit.

STELLA
They are so high school.

DOREEN
Says little Miss Catfight here.

STELLA
I was very dignified. Very.

DOREEN
Seemed a bit personal.

STELLA
He’s a very dear friend and she’s always struck me as being quite a.. a floozy. And I don’t approve. At all.

DOREEN
I see.

STELLA
It’s nothing more than that.

DOREEN
You’d expect a bunch of intelligent adults to act as such, but as Vinny says, it’s like high school all over again. We never grow out of it I suppose.  

STELLA
How do you do it Doreen?

DOREEN
Do what?

STELLA
Stay with Vinny? God, you’ve been married what, thirty years?

DOREEN
Thirty seven come September.

STELLA
Holy shit.

DOREEN
Thank you.

STELLA
That’s an accomplishment.

DOREEN
Yes.

STELLA
Especially with his… condition.

DOREEN
Condition?

STELLA
He can never remember meeting you, much less falling in love, getting married…

DOREEN
Stella—

STELLA
And it’s not like he’s a forgetful person. When it comes to the Agency he has a perfect memory. But it seems like at least once every few months, he’s forgotten who you are and then hires you to be his secretary… And yet you’ve stayed with him these thirty-seven years! It doesn’t make sense!

DOEEN
Vinny—

STELLA
How can you stand it?

DOREEN
The first time he forgot me some thirty-seven years ago… we’d been married a few months and all of a sudden he didn’t know who I was. I was so mad. I screamed. I shouted. I moved out and lived with my mother for a week. But then… you see, I first met him when I was interviewing to be a secretary, right? Well the next week I go in and I’m about to give him the divorce papers, when I notice that he’s taking second glances at me. And then, he asks me to be his secretary. Stunned I accepted, and two weeks later, he asked me to marry him. The exact same tone of voice, the same candor. So we remarried. And a month or two later, it was the same thing. It’s amazingly odd, I’ll tell you… but think about this: Has Vinny ever once strayed?

STELLA
No…

DOREEN
And doesn’t he come back every time?

STELLA
Yes.

DOREEN
And in a way, the forgetfulness makes it exciting. He’s always a young schoolboy in love for the first time; the romance is always fresh and new. We never fall into the monotony of old age.

VINNY enters.

VINNY
Tine! When are you going to be back in commission?

DOREEN
She’ll be good as new by tomorrow.

VINNY
Doreen! You look very nice today.

DOREEN
Thank you.

VINNY
I was wondering, Doreen…

DOREEN
Yes?

VINNY
Are you almost done with Agent Tine’s bandage?

DOREEN
More than done.

VINNY
Would you care to go out to dinner? With me? Tonight?

DOREEN
I would love that.

VINNY
Excellent. I’ll pick you up in about… fifteen minutes?

DOREEN
Fifteen minutes.

VINNY nods, then exits. DOREEN smiles smugly.

DOREEN
Isn’t young love a wonder?


Scene 5

Setting: Somewhere quite dark and mysterious.

Only part of the stage is lit up. A platform, perhaps. A mysterious MAN stands with his back facing the audience. He doesn’t even show his profile. GAYFEER cowers at his feet, metaphorically or otherwise.

MAN
(deliberately)
You let them get away?

GAYFEER
Vell, zey vere, quite fast and very, vell armed, more vell zen ve—

MAN
You run a munitions factory, how could they be better armed than you?

GAYFEER
Ze garcon, ‘e came at me vith… Vell eef la fille, Stella, hadn’t taken zat bullet for—

MAN
She took a bullet for him?

GAYFEER
Ja. It just grazed her shoulder.

MAN
How did she look?

GAYFEER
I vas a bit too preoccupied concentrating on preventing her from killing me to really notice…

MAN
And her partner? Ocelot? How did he look?

GAYFEER
Eh, comme ci comme ça. ‘E is reasonably ‘andsome. Oui, reasonably. But ze most nasty sort, ja, most nasty. ‘E made fun of my Smurf oui, zat ‘e did. Ze Smurfs vere invented in Belgium, don’t you forget—

MAN
I don’t care about your silly Smurfs. I only care you that you, Gayfeer, let them go free.

GAYFREE
Please sir, ve almost—

MAN turns his head to reveal a shadowy profile. His face still cannot be seen. He has a very, very, very, very, very long nose. Like how Pinocchio would look if caught in a strip club.

MAN
Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

A CAMERA FLASH briefly lights up the stage before it plunges into darkness.