Friday, December 31, 2010

Sunflower Princess Pinings


Sunflower Princess Pinings
Continued from Day 1

Parade route.

MORGAN, 18, sits on the side. She isn’t exactly glamorous, but she has lost her glasses and stands up straighter.

SIMON, 18, walks up to her. He’s still plain, but he seems to have grown into himself a bit more.

SIMON
Of all the Girl Scouts in all the town.

MORGAN
Oh god.

SIMON
Is this seat taken?

MORGAN
Um.

SIMON
I won’t be staying for long. Just want to talk.

MORGAN
Um, well, I guess. Okay.

SIMON
Brilliant! (He plops down) How are you?

MORGAN
Tired. Cold. Otherwise fine.

SIMON
At least you aren’t walking.

MORGAN
My feet have yet to forgive me for last year.

SIMON
God. That was a year ago, wasn’t it? Funny how quickly some things pass. Seems just like yesterday. And everything’s the same.

MORGAN
I thought it was an eternity.

SIMON
Really?

MORGAN
I like to think I changed a bit over the year.

SIMON
You know, I almost didn’t recognize you.

MORGAN
Hmm?

SIMON
No glasses.

MORGAN
Contact lenses. Graduation present.


SIMON
We’re college kids now.

MORGAN
Yeah.

SIMON
Where you at?

MORGAN
UCLA. You?

SIMON
USC.

MORGAN
Ooh. The enemy.

SIMON
I suppose this means we can’t be friends any more.

MORGAN
I didn’t know we were friends.

SIMON
We marched a parade together.

MORGAN
That’s not a pleasant memory.

Beat. 
SIMON
Your eyes look nice.

MORGAN
Thank you.

SIMON
My kid brother’s marching the parade.

MORGAN
Boy Scout?

SIMON
Honor band.

MORGAN
Ah.

SIMON
Just here to watch?

MORGAN
My cousin’s a Sunflower Princess.

SIMON
I’m sorry.

MORGAN
What do you mean?

SIMON
I remember how much you wanted that.

MORGAN
She’s prettier than I am.

SIMON
Now don’t—

MORGAN
I’m happy for her. Really.

SIMON
Really?

MORGAN
Part of me. Part of me wants to rip the crown off her fucking head.

SIMON
Bit bitter.

MORGAN
I guess I really am the same.

SIMON
Do you still want me to stop talking?
MORGAN
I was miserable, wasn’t I?

SIMON
We did the last four miles in silence.

MORGAN
Oh god we did. I swore I’d never come back to this stupid parade. Then the princess was crowned.

SIMON
Fate’s a bitch.

MORGAN
Oh well.

SIMON
At least you’re not scooping the poop.

MORGAN
Haha yeah.

SIMON
You’re smiling.

MORGAN
What?

SIMON
This is the first time I’ve seen you smile.

MORGAN
Bullshit. I smiled for five miles!

SIMON
No you didn’t. You scowled.

MORGAN
Bullshit.

SIMON
Or you did the stupid princess smile.

MORGAN
Well—

SIMON
Which might as well have been a scowl.

SIMON
I think girls look better in Scout uniforms than tiaras anyway.

MORGAN
Good thing I’m not wearing either.

Beat.

MORGAN
You got any New Year’s resolutions?

SIMON
Fuck bitches, get money. You?

MORGAN
I might try to write a play every day and post it on a blog.

SIMON starts to laugh.

MORGAN
What?

SIMON
You’ll never last the year. You’ll stop before January’s over.

MORGAN
Will not!

SIMON
It’s impossible!

MORGAN
Oh yeah?

SIMON
You’ll have midterms, and finals, and… life…

MORGAN
I think I can do it.

SIMON
Okay.

MORGAN
I’m not sure I appreciate your lack of faith.

SIMON
Well, if you succeed, hats off to you.

MORGAN
Thanks.

Beat.

MORGAN
I think the parade’s nearing.

SIMON
Yeah.

MORGAN
I can hear the horses.

SIMON
Should I…

MORGAN
You can stay here. If you want.

SIMON
Cool.

Beat.

MORGAN grabs SIMON’S hand.

End. 

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Epic Adventures of Bagel Boy #10 - The End.


The Epic Adventures of Bagel Boy #10

Outside ABIGAIL’S home.

ABBY is on one side of the door; SHANE the other.

SHANE knocks on the door.

SHANE
Abigail! Abby! Open up!

ABIGAIL opens the door.

ABIGAIL
How did you find where I live?

SHANE
I dropped you off the other day.

ABIGAIL
Oh. Right. Go away.

She slams the door.

SHANE
We need to talk.

ABIGAIL
There is nothing to discuss.

SHANE
Look: I know I’m no artist or poet or doctor… I’m just some loser working in a bagel shop. But I’m a loser who really likes you and would really like to get to know you better… Before I met you, I didn’t have much… forward motion. I was totally cool with just taking bagel orders and making bagels and all those bagel things. But I met you, and you’re so smart and motivated and creative and… I don’t like being just suspended in the bakery while you’re moving forward. And I know you don’t like that either. I’m prepared to make some changed – some forward moving changes – and I would love for you to be there to help with this whole… adventure. I get that there are… other guys who don’t even need inspiration or anything for this kind of adventure and I understand if you don’t want to have to put up with me and my failures, but—

ABIGAIL opens the door.

ABIGAIL
But what about Benny’s wife?

SHANE
What?

ABIGAIL
Does Benny’s wife want to deal with all this?

SHANE
…Benny’s gay.

ABIGAIL
What?

SHANE
Yeah, no wife.

ABIGAIL
Oh.

SHANE
Why do you…

ABIGAIL
Snaggle Tooth told me you were…

SHANE
Who?

ABIGAIL
Snaggle Tooth. The guy with the… the…

SHANE
Dmitri.

ABIGAIL
His name’s Dmitri?

SHANE
Yup.

ABIGAIL
You guys need nametags.

SHANE
Yeah.

ABIGAIL
I came in Sunday and you weren’t there. He told me you were fired because you were having an affair with Benny’s wife.

SHANE
Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?

ABIGAIL
Yeah.

SHANE
Not because I’m a failure at life?

ABIGAIL
I don’t think you’re a failure. I mean, you’re not exactly—

SHANE
I know that your med school boyfriend must be much—

ABIGAIL
Med school boyfriend?

SHANE
Yeah, Dmitri told me…

ABIGAIL
Dmitri.

SHANE
Oh.

ABIGAIL
What a little—

SHANE
I think he has a crush on you.

ABIGAIL
He’s all to—

SHANE
What a prick.

ABIGAIL
Yeah.

SHANE
So you don’t hate me because you think I’m a failure?

ABIGAIL
I don’t hate you. You certainly aren’t my dream guy…

SHANE
Oh. I see.

ABIGAIL
But you’re real. And that makes you even better. Failures and flaws and all. I think I like those better than my fantasies.

SHANE
Cool.

ABIGAIL
Yeah.

Beat.

ABIGAIL
Wanna go out for some bagels?

SHANE
I frickin’ hate bagels. How about pancakes instead?

ABIGAIL
Pancakes are good.

SHANE
Good.

SUPERTITLES
And they lived happily ever after. The end. 

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

String Theory


String Theory

MAN and WOMAN lie in bed. They snuggle.

WOMAN
What are we doing?

MAN
Do you mean in general or at—

WOMAN
At this specific moment.

MAN
Snuggling.

WOMAN
Why?

MAN
Because we just—

WOMAN
Why did we?

MAN
Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much—

WOMAN
Hold it right there.

MAN
Oops.

WOMAN
That was not part of our implicit agreement.

MAN
We love platonically.

WOMAN
Oh Christ.

MAN
I’m sorry.

WOMAN
I need to pee.

MAN
Wait.

WOMAN
I’ll be right back.

She exits. He sits up. He starts to get dressed. She reenters.

WOMAN
What are you doing?

MAN
You want me to leave, don’t you?

WOMAN
Did I say I wanted you to leave?

MAN
It was implicit.

WOMAN
Maybe.

MAN
K.

WOMAN
Bye.

MAN
Bye.

WOMAN
Wait.

She gives him a hug.

WOMAN
I love you. Platonically.

MAN
Platonically.

He exits. 

The Diodes


The Diodes

EMILY’S apartment.

EMILY walks into the bathroom. She looks into the mirror on the medicine chest. She examines her teeth. She frowns.

She opens the medicine chest to take out her floss. She closes it. WINONA is in the mirror. EMILY grabs at her heart.

EMILY
Winona! Scared me half to death.

WINONA
Hello Emily.

EMILY
You should’ve let me know you were coming. The place is a mess.

WINONA
Hmm.

WINONA walks around the apartment as EMILY flosses.

EMILY
Did you get that Christmas card I sent you?

WINONA
Hmm? Oh yes. I got that.

EMILY
Right now isn’t the best of times Winona… I have—

WINONA
A date with that schoolteacher.

EMILY
Pete. Yeah. How did you know?

WINONA
Hmm.

EMILY
I would love to grab lunch sometime!

WINONA
Doesn’t that chemist fancy you?

EMILY
Dr. Murphy had a crush on me in grade school. We’re just friends.

WINONA
You don’t fancy him?

EMILY
No. We’re friends.

WINONA
He’s a powerful man Emily. Head of bioengineering. I have him to thank for my life.

EMILY
I guess you do.

WINONA
Seems like it would be wise to fancy him.

EMILY
There are a lot of things about human interactions I don’t think you get yet Winona.

WINONA
Hmm. I suppose. 

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Diodes


The Diodes

EMILY sits by the unloading dock. She eyes JOSIE warily. Others wait as well.

A truckload of DIODES emerge from the dock. They each have an exact match waiting for them. EMILY’S MATCH walks towards her.

EMILY
Hello.

EMILY’S MATCH
Hi.

They meander to the line of people and diodes.

EMILY
They’ve given me the option to name you, and I’ve decided to call you Winona. Everyone and their mother has my name and I always wished my parents had named me something a bit more… distinct.

WINONA
The only other Winona I know is Winona Ryder.

EMILY
Exactly. I thought it would be elegant for you to be Winona Annabel Hearst—

WINONA
At the lab they called me Pickles.

EMILY
Pickles?

WINONA
I was teased mercilessly, but it’s the name I’m used to.

EMILY
How would you like Winona Annabel Pickles?

WINONA
I’d like that very much.

The reach the front of the line.

EMILY
Emily Marie Parkinson. This is Winona Annabel… Pickles.

WINONA
Hi.

They sign a form.

EMILY
You’ve been assigned to technical manufacturing. Room 1432.

They start to walk through the compound.

WINONA
I’ve been here before!

EMILY
Yeah?

WINONA
Dr. Murphy would pick us up every morning at 8 o’clock to get breakfast at McDonalds. This place looks like a mall!

EMILY
I guess it does.

They reach 1432.

EMILY
Here we are.

WINONA
Will I ever see you again?

EMILY
I’ll check in from time to time.

WINONA
Thank you.

They have an awkward moment. They’re about to hug – they don’t. They shake hands.

EMILY exits. 

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Agents Ocelot and Tine Have Some Closure


Agents Ocelot and Tine Have Some Closure
or do they?

Somehow, MITCHELL has saved the day. Not quite sure yet how. But it tots happened.

AGENTS swarm SPENCER’S lair.

VINNY
Where is he? Where is the man?

STELLA
He… He…

VINNY
Oh. I see. I’d been hoping to apprehend him alive. Agents, scour the grounds. I want the body!

KEITH
I’m sorry Stella.

STELLA
It’s all right.

KEITH
He was a good man. He just had a rotten nose.

STELLA
He did indeed.

KEITH
Now that Nina’s being arrested for treason I have no one to make me cheeseburgers.

STELLA
I’m sorry.

KEITH
Would you like to make me cheeseburgers?

STELLA
Are you hitting on me?

KEITH
I guess.

STELLA
Keith! I’m proud of you!

Pause.

KEITH
Yes?

STELLA
What?

KEITH
Aren’t you supposed to… hit back

STELLA pauses, then gives him a little punch to the shoulder.

STELLA
Hit.

KEITH
Stella…

STELLA
What?

KEITH
Isn’t there any way… I mean, now that Spencer’s gone, can’t you just.

STELLA
Listen Keith. I think you’re cute. I think you’re very, very cute. Very very. And once in a while, you’re kind of funny, in a twisted, unenlightened, immature way. But you’re also a douche. A twisted, unenlightened, immature douche. And no matter how cute and funny… I think I’ll always love to talk to you, I’ll love to work with you, to argue with you… to be with you, but… I don’t want to be with you you douchebag.

Beat.

KEITH
You fucked a guy who threatened to annihilate the planet, and you’re calling me a douchebag?

Beat.
STELLA
Yes.

KEITH
What?

STELLA
For a minute, it was like old times. It was like… I kind of thought that… No. It wouldn’t have been the same. Every time I would look at him all I could imagine was him trying to kill me. But now that he’s… all I’ll remember is that he didn’t.

KEITH
Stella, he’s—

An AGENT enters.

AGENT
No sign of a body Vinny.

STELLA
Dot dot dot. 

Carol to the Bells


Carol to the Bells

After the concert.

JEFF walks up to HALEY. ANNEMARIE attempts to hide from view.

JEFF
Haley Bell—

HALEY
Dad—

JEFF
How dare you—

ANNEMARIE
It was my fault. I convinced her to go. She just needed some fun.

JEFF
You were great kiddo.

HALEY
You’re not going to punish me?

JEFF
Let’s just say you’ll be spending a lot of quality time with your dad this winter break. Under house arrest. But since it’s Christmas I guess you get twenty-four hours of amnesty.

HALEY
Thanks Dad.

JEFF
I think you have some fans over there. I’ll meet you at the car.

HALEY smiles and runs over to squealing fans.

JEFF heads out. ANNEMARIE follows.

ANNEMARIE
Mr. Bell!

JEFF
Yes, Carol?

ANNEMARIE
I’m sorry Mr. Bell—

JEFF
I suppose your parents aren’t here to ground you.

ANNEMARIE
They’re far away.

JEFF
That’s a hell of a facelift Annie.

ANNEMARIE
You best be laying off the eggnog Mr. Bell.

JEFF
I’m serious.

ANNEMARIE
You’re not the cute dad. You’re the creep!

JEFF
You called me an asinine moron of the tenth degree. I’ve only heard that insult once before.

ANNEMARIE
Maybe I’ve—

JEFF
Annie.

ANNEMARIE
I just woke up one morning and I was like this.

JEFF
That is the strangest excuse for plastic surgery—

ANNEMARIE
I don’t know. I just—I’m sorry Jeff.

JEFF
For taking our—my daughter out? When she’s grounded? And being an allover terrible influence on her?

ANNEMARIE
Hey. It’s not like you’ve been the greatest father.

JEFF
Ha! Says—

ANNEMARIE
And I’m sorry for being a terrible mother.

JEFF
I’m not the one you should be apologizing to. 

Friday, December 24, 2010

Carol to the Bells


Carol to the Bells

Bell Residence.

HALEY sits sullenly in the living room. She is grounded.

JEFF walks in.

JEFF
Look: I’m sorry.

HALEY looks away.

JEFF
I wish I didn’t have to do this.

HALEY
It’s Christmas Eve Dad!

JEFF
I know—

HALEY
Maybe try to be forgiving.

JEFF
Maybe try not breaking into my stuff.

HALEY
I wish I spent the holidays with Mom.
(beat)
Do we even have any food?

JEFF
We’re going out for Chinese tomorrow.

HALEY
But what about now? Is it not enough I’m under house arrest, are you gonna starve me too?

JEFF
Just you wait a hair.

He exits into the kitchen.

ANNEMARIE pops up in the window.

ANNEMARIE
Psst.

HALEY looks at her. Double take. She runs to the window.

HALEY
What are you doing here?

ANNEMARIE
Shh.

HALEY
Leave.

ANNEMARIE
Haley…

HALEY
I don’t want to see you.

ANNEMARIE
Wait. I know I haven’t been the greatest… friend, but…

HALEY
Yeah, you got me grounded. On Christmas Eve. I’m missing the concert—

ANNEMARIE
No you’re not.

HALEY
What?

ANNEMARIE
I’m busting you out.

HALEY
No. I’m in enough trouble already…

ANNEMARIE
Come on.

HALEY
No!

WYATT pops his head up.

WYATT
Please?

HALEY is startled.

WYATT
I’d love to hear you sing. 

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Some Comedy


Some Comedy
Continued from the last

KENDRA
What’s the matter with you? You look terrible!

ROBERT
I haven’t slept much.

KENDRA
Why?

ROBERT
I just spent the better part of the last 36 hours watching movies.

KENDRA
Oh. Great.

ROBERT
Not great. It was those damn stupid romantic comedies you’re always scribbling and writing out—

KENDRA
Brain garbage.

ROBERT
Pretty Woman, Legally Blonde… god, what else did I watch? They’re all the same.

KENDRA
Good night.

ROBERT
Wait. I’ll admit I kind of liked a few of them.

KENDRA
No, I think your brain was just rotted and you were deluded into thinking you liked them.

ROBERT
Kendra, I—

KENDRA
Robert, don’t.

ROBERT
I wrote you this.

KENDRA
What?

ROBERT
This. For you. In the lesser part of the 36 hours. I really didn’t sleep much at all which should explain the bags here under my eyes.

KENDRA
What is this?

ROBERT
It’s a romantic comedy. I tried my best to capture the proper tone and style. If it seems a bit forced, it is out of my comfort zone.

KENDRA
“Insert zany chase here. Make sure they run through the brassiere department.”

ROBERT
It’s a first draft.

KENDRA
What’s it about?

ROBERT
About a stuffy writer who meets a wonderful woman who writes romantic comedies and all sorts of zany antics ensue but—

KENDRA
It’s only sixty pages. You need at least twenty, probably thirty more if you want a decent picture.

ROBERT
The ending hasn’t been written yet. I’m no good with happy endings. I need your help.

KENDRA
I think we can think something up. 

Some Comedy


Some Comedy

KENDRA
So what do you do for a living?

ROBERT
I’m a writer.

KENDRA
No way! Me too!

ROBERT
Wow, nice! I remember you being such a great writer in high school.

KENDRA
Thanks.

ROBERT
Your stories they just, completely blew me away.

KENDRA
Thank you. That means so much. What do you write?

ROBERT
Screenplays.

KENDRA
Me too! Small world.

ROBERT
Small town.

KENDRA
Los Angeles: the biggest small town on the planet. What kinds of movies?

ROBERT
Recently I co-wrote an HBO miniseries.

KENDRA
Hmm.

ROBERT
It was about Robert E. Lee and the fall of the Confederate army.

KENDRA
Interesting.

ROBERT
I deal mostly in historical stuff. I did a 1950s drama a few years back. Oh, that was great.

KENDRA
That’s so interesting. I think I saw that HBO series.

ROBERT
Yeah?

KENDRA
At least the first part. It was… dramatic.

ROBERT
Haha.

KENDRA
To say the least. I was in tears.

ROBERT
Thank you. That means a lot.

KENDRA
You’re welcome.

ROBERT
What do you write?

KENDRA
Chick flicks!

ROBERT
Chick flicks?

KENDRA
Yeah! Cute boys, bubbly heroines, you know, that whole fun bit!

ROBERT
Really?

KENDRA
You sound so… befuddled.

ROBERT
Is there a money issue?

KENDRA
What do you mean?

ROBERT
Was there an issue with money?

KENDRA
I don’t know what you mean. I’ve been doing very well for myself.

ROBERT
I mean, before you started doing…

KENDRA
Before I started doing what?

ROBERT
Chick flicks? Really?

KENDRA
What’s the matter with chick flicks?

ROBERT
I just… you were always such a bright girl…

KENDRA
Yes?

ROBERT
I always figured you’d work on something intelligent.

KENDRA
What do you mean?

ROBERT
I mean… art.

KENDRA
Art?

ROBERT
I could see you doing something more artistic. Intellectual.

KENDRA
I love what I do. Is there a problem with that?

ROBERT
Have you ever thought of doing real writing?

KENDRA
What I do is real writing. I sit down with a computer and an idea—

ROBERT
Yes, but—

KENDRA
I think things through and create new people, new situations, new worlds even…

ROBERT
But you gotta admit, it’s all just—

KENDRA
What?

ROBERT
Brain garbage.

KENDRA
It’s not garbage.

ROBERT
Well, it’s—

KENDRA
It’s fun, it’s a diversion, it makes people happy.

ROBERT
Well—

KENDRA
I’d rather make people happy than make people cry over some dead racist.

ROBERT
So—

KENDRA
And I’ll let you know, it’s a helluva lot harder to make someone laugh than to make them cry.

ROBERT
Now here then.

KENDRA
It’s a tricky world out there, and all I want to do is let people think things can work out. That Prince Charming can and does exist. That everyone can be happy by the end and that it’s okay to believe in love.

ROBERT
But that’s not truth! Isn’t the point of writing, the point of art to unveil the truth? To provide a means of uncovering reality, to comment on the ills of the day? To create catharsis?

KENDRA
Sometimes the best catharsis is laughter and optimism.

ROBERT
You are wrong.

KENDRA
And you are pretentious. I don’t write garbage – I write candy. Sweet delectable candy. And I find people prefer candy over stale onions.

She exits.

ROBERT
Either way, still rots your brain!