Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Mr. T Cornelius Fink's Magical Traveling Show


Mr. T Cornelius Fink's Magical Traveling Show
November 30, 2010

Back of the theatre.

Crowds envelop the back of the theatre. BARNEY stands to the side, awkwardly twirling his hat.

MYRNA emerges. The crowd goes wild.

MYRNA
Please, please: you are all too kind.

The crowd cries out for her. She smiles generously.

BARNEY
Miss Liesl! Miss Liesl!

MYRNA
That is so kind of you to say! You are all quite lovely.

BARNEY
Miss Liesl!

MYRNA
Barney?

T. CORNELIUS FINK emerges.

FINK
Order! Order! If you wish for the lovely Miss Liesl’s autograph, you must form an orderly line.

MYRNA
Barney!

FINK
What are you doing Miss Liesl?

MYRNA
It’s Barney Mr. Fink! From the ship that brought me to America! He must’ve come to see me!

FINK
Well if he wishes to see you, he needs to wait in line and pay his nickel.

MYRNA
But Mr. Fink—

FINK
A nickel for the autograph of the lovely Miss Liesl! One nickel, one nickel, a fine deal indeed! 

Monday, November 29, 2010

For Once


For Once

CHRYSANTHEMUM
For once in my life I thought someone noticed
For once in my life I thought someone could care
But all of my tries were for lies and goodbyes
And for sorries and severs
It never is fair

For once in my life I thought I was special
For once in my life I thought it was fate
But all of those feelings are reeling and steeling
And turning and tumbling and bundling
And being transformed into hate

I tried being brave
Like you said that I ought
Put myself on the line
And for what?
For what?
For what?

For just be my friend
This is the end
For we've reached a bend
Broken heart to mend
For no need to send for me
You can't depend on me

In short it all was for naught

For once in my life someone asked my opinion
For once in my life someone cared what I said
Well take all your discourse and intercourse
Ideals and repeals and new deals
For this time tomorrow I want them both dead.



Sunday, November 28, 2010

Lit'rally and Figure'tively


Lit’rally and Figure-tively
November 28, 2010

WILLIAM
You're the sweetest little lady that I ever did meet
You sweep me lit'rally and figure'tively off my feel
And I don't think I could be more pleased

You're the prettiest little angel who I've seen by my eyes
You are lit'rally and figure'tively a kingdom's prize
And I know I couldn't be more pleased

Say you will always stay
Say my arms are where you want to be
Say you will cherish this day
Say you're lit'rally and figure'tively made for me

Now it's your turn

LILA
William, I don't know if...

WILLIAM
Come on. You can do it!

LILA
You're the sweetest kind of man I've had the pleasure to know
You lift me lit'rally and figure'tively from the depths below
And I think this could be right

WILLIAM
See! You got it!

LILA
You're the bravest sort of gent that I've yet to find
You're always lit'rally and figure'tively on my mind
And I know that this is right

Say you want to hold my hand
Say your eyes are starred
Say I'm your heart's demand
Say you lit'rally and figurtive'ly falling hard

WILLIAM
That’s good. That’s very good!

LILA
I think I’ve got some more.

WILLIAM
Yeah?

LILA
You've a smile that turns me to a blathering fool
You're litra'lly and figuretively a royal jewel
And I doubt I could be more sure

WILLIAM
You're the brightest beam of light that has entered my life
I want you lit'rally and figure'tively to be my wife
And I know I couldn't be more sure

Say you'll always stay
Say you want my heart's caress
Say you cherish this day
Say you you lit'rally and figure'tively want me

LILA
Yes!

WILLIAM
You're the sweetest little lady--

LILA
You're the sweetest kind of man--

WILLIAM
You're the light of my life

LILA
You're an angel from above

BOTH
I think I'm lit'rally and figure'tively in love

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Memorial Stadium

Memorial Stadium

FANS
Tears.

The Meta Story


The Meta Story
It’s approximately the one year anniversary of this. So I figured I’d tweak and post it

KATIE and DANNY stand on stage.

KATIE
Danny!

DANNY
Hey Katie.

KATIE
Danny Danny Danny, look! You’re in my scene!

DANNY
Isn’t this like, the millionth one?

KATIE
Only the fifth. And those other ones weren’t really you. They were fictitious characters serving as thinly-veiled allegories representing you.

DANNY
That’s kind of creepy.

KATIE
Now you have to do everything I say. Not that you don’t already. Which isn’t true. Sometimes you exert free will. Like how you refused to bake brownies with me on Friday. That’s why the Centaurs lost, you know. It’s all your fault.

DANNY
Ha.

KATIE
So what should I make you do?

DANNY
You can’t make me do anything.

KATIE
Um. You’re in my scene. What are you not understanding about this?

DANNY
Meruh?

KATIE
I can make you do anything I want to.

DANNY gives her a strange look.

KATIE
Ew! Not like that! You’re yucky.

DANNY
Ha.

KATIE
You shouldn’t be mean to me. I hold all the power in this situation.

DANNY
Really.

KATIE
I can do awful, awful things to you.

DANNY
Ooookay.

KATIE
For example, I can change the setting to a Churrascaria.
            (Setting changes)
And surround you with gorgeous promiscuous dancers serving you bacon-wrapped steak.
            (Two waitresses come on with meat)
And then I can make them see John Madden and go off to flirt with him instead.

DANNY
John Madden. John Madden. Johhhhhhn Madden.

KATIE
Would you like me to turn this into a love story between you and John Madden?

DANNY
John Madden.

KATIE
Mk I will. John Madden enters from stage right, wearing douchey Trojan marching band sunglasses.
(JOHN MADDEN enters from stage right, wearing douchey Trojan marching band sunglasses.)
He swaggers over to Danny, marching in the janky U$C, “We’re to lame to actually high so we’ll chair” step.
(He swaggers over to Danny, marching in the janky U$C, “We’re to lame to actually high so we’ll chair” step.)
Daniel opens his mouth, preparing to deliver his poignant monologue, confessing his everlasting bromantic love to the man he’d been man-lusting over all year. The lights dim to a spotlight, the orchestra swells, Katie MO freaks out because Joey wrote forty-one cues for this one 2 minute monologue, as Daniel begins:

DANNY
It is so creepy that you’re writing this.

KATIE
Shut up, it’s do this or work on my Music 27 paper. What do you think I’d rather do?

DANNY
Eat food.

KATIE
I’m not hungry. And you’re ruining my scene!

DANNY
Meh.

KATIE
Ugh, you’re so inarticulate. Just do the monologue goddammit!

DANNY
No.

KATIE
You are a character in my scene. You have no free will.

DANNY
But I don’t wanna do the monologue.

KATIE
But I want you to do the monologue.

DANNY
I don’t want to do the monologue.

JOHN MADDEN
Do I still have to be here?

KATIE
Have I written you an exit?

DANNY
Can’t you have me hooking up with a dolphin or something?

KATIE
Really Daniel?

DANNY
Ugh, did you seriously just have me say that?

JOHN MADDEN
Narst!

KATIE
Shut up, you don’t get to talk right now.

JOHN MADDEN
Where did those promiscuous dancers with the bacon-covered steak go?

DANNY
Mmm. Meat.

JOHN MADDEN
Mmm. Promiscuous dancers.

DANNY
Mmm. Promiscuous dancers and meat.

KATIE
Ewwwww.

JOHN MADDEN
Dude, we should go get In n Out.

DANNY
And watch South Park.

JOHN MADDEN
And talk about boobs.

DANNY
And drumz.

JOHN MADDEN
Drumzzzzzzz.

KATIE
Ugh. This does not fit into my concept of bromantic comedy AT ALL.

JOHN MADDEN
Well what would make this a bromantic comedy?

DANNY
Drumzzzzzz.

JOHN MADDEN
Yeah-yuh!

JOEY enters.

JOEY
You should have them make out.

KATIE
Ew, no.

JOEY
I bet you’d think it hot.

KATIE
What the fuck are you doing in this scene Joey?

JOEY
I’m directing. I should be allowed in it.

KATIE
No!

JOEY
Sister…

KATIE
Your presence distracts from the main conceit of the scene.

JOEY
That you want to control every single one of Danny’s actions?

KATIE
No…

JOEY
And you want to see him make out with John Madden? Because you think it’d be super hot?

KATIE
Ew, no. How many times do I have to tell you that girls don’t find it hot when two boys make out?

DANNY
Two girls making out is hot.

JOHN MADDEN
Yeah-yuh.

KATIE
See Joey? You are completely distracting the scene.

JOEY
You’re the one writing it bitch.

KATIE
Time for you to exit. Joey Guthman exits.
(JOEY GUTHMAN exits)
Why the fuck are you still here?

JOEY
It was written in the stage directions. The first rule of directing is that I don’t have to follow the stage directions.

KATIE
But since I said it, it was part of the dialogue. So you have to leave. Because you can’t change the dialogue.

JOEY
Yes I can.

KATIE
Not now that it’s been said. And once more, Joey: I am now leaving! Goodbye!

JOEY
I am now leaving! Goodbye!

KATIE
Joey exits for realsies.

JOEY
Fuck you bitch.

JOEY exits for realsies.

KATIE
And now, where were with this scene?

DANNY
Drumzzzzz.

JOHN MADDEN
Drumzzzzz.

KATIE
Don’t you guys ever talk about anything interesting?

DANNY
Drumzzzz.

JOHN MADDEN
Drumzzzz.

DANNY
South Park!

KATIE
What if I had you guys get in a fight?

DANNY
I like food.

JOHN MADDEN
I like food too!

DANNY
Yeah-yuh!

JOHN
Drumzzzzzz.

KATIE
You guys could both like the same girl.

JOHN MADDEN
You know who’s hot? Megan Fox.

DANNY
Megan Foxxx.

JOHN MADDEN
Dude.

DANNY
Dude.

JOHN MADDEN
Drumzzz.

DANNY
South Park.

JOHN MADDEN
In n Out.

DANNY
Yeahhhhh.

JOHN MADDEN
Drumzzzz.

KATIE
Even in my head you guys are boring.

DANNY
Let’s go eat food.

KATIE
That’s not interesting.

JOHN MADDEN
Yeah!

DANNY
I like food.

KATIE
What if I threw in more promiscuous dancers? Would you guys do something interesting then?

DANNY
Do they have food?

JOHN MADDEN
And drumz?

DANNY
Drumzzzzz.

KATIE
Why can’t I make you do anything interesting?

DANNY
Because you can’t make me do anything. When are you going to learn that Katie?

KATIE
When are you going to let me control your life?

DANNY
You can’t.

JOHN MADDEN
Drumzzzz.

DANNY
Drumzzzz.

KATIE
Think what your life would be like if I left.

DANNY
I’ll be fine. I have John Madden.

JOHN MADDEN
Yeah-yuh.

DANNY
John Madden. Johhhhhhhn Madden.

KATIE
Ugh, I’m gonna go work on my Music 27 paper.

DANNY
Coo.

KATIE
You won’t be able to do anything interesting with the writer gone.

DANNY
Meruh.

KATIE
Okay, I’m leaving for realsies!

JOHN MADDEN
Drumz.

DANNY
Yeahhhhh.

KATIE
Ugh.

KATIE leaves for realsies. DANNY and JOHN MADDEN stare at each other for a second.

DANNY
Boom.

JOHN MADDEN
Boom boom.

DANNY
Boom chicka boom.

JOHN MADDEN
Boom chick chick chick chicka boom.

DANNY
Boom da boom boom boom, chick.

JOHN MADDEN
Cymbal crash!

They smile and continue to talk in drummer until the scene fades out.

Fini.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Dances with Hipsters


Dances with Hipsters

BOBBY’S old house.

BOBBY walks up to the front door. He hesitates. He knocks.

A pair of EYES peeks out of the window.

EYES
Who’s there?

BOBBY
Hey, I’m sorry to take up your time…

EYES
I don’t want to buy a magazine subscription.

BOBBY
I’m not—

EYES
Or gift wrap. It’s not even close to Christmas. Look at the sign: it says “No Solicitors.”

BOBBY
I’m not selling anything.

EYES
I am not interested in finding Jesus Christ.

BOBBY
I’m not—

EYES
And none of this Scientology bullshit. When the aliens come it will be to enslave and destroy us. But that is years away.

BOBBY
Scien-what?

EYES
Who are you?

BOBBY
My name’s Bobby. I used to live here.

EYES
I find that statement highly suspect.

BOBBY
It’s true!

EYES
I’ve lived in this house for somewhere bouts thirty years. You can’t be older than seventeen.

BOBBY
I can explain.

EYES
Do you have a gun?

BOBBY
What?

EYES
Come in for tea.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

A Love Story


A Love Story

GIRL
Hi.

BOY
Hey.

GIRL
I think I love you.

BOY
What?

GIRL
Just thought you ought to know. Put it out there. In the open.

BOY
I don’t get—

GIRL
Everyone knows. I mean, everyone. Except me. Until fifteen minutes ago. And you. Until… now. Excuse me.

BOY
Wait.

GIRL
Things shouldn’t be different. We’ll just ignore this.

BOY
…Okay.

GIRL
Bye.

BOY
Wait. 

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Harry Potter and the Awkward Sexual Tension


Harry Potter and the Awkward Sexual Tension

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows plays. AUDIENCE watches.

RON and HERMIONE have awkward sexual tension.

AUDIENCE
Aw, how cute!

RON and HERMIONE have more awkward sexual tension.

AUDIENCE
Ahhhhhh how cute!

RON and HERMIONE’s awkward sexual tension reaches an apex.

AUDIENCE
OH MY GOD SO CUTE!

HARRY and HERMIONE have awkward naked moment.

AUDIENCE
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

All eyes are averted.

RON and HERMIONE have sexual tension once more.

AUDIENCE
SOOOOO CUUUUUUTEEEEEEEE.