Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Art of Seduction


The Art of Seduction

GIRL. FOUR FRIENDS.

GIRL
So I like Frank. What do I do?

FRIEND 1
Hit on him hella at a party.

FRIEND 2
Ask him to lunch. Then tell him!

FRIEND 3
That’s terrible advice. Ignore him. Make him come to you.

FRIEND 2
Too many mind games. Be direct.

FRIEND 1
Be subtle. Sex appeal.

FRIEND 2
Boldness is the way to go.

FRIEND 1
Touch his arm. Laugh at his jokes. Nothing too right in the face.

FRIEND 3
Don’t talk to him at all. Talking is bad.

FRIEND 1
You’ll want to talk to him a bit.

FRIEND 2
Talk a lot!

FRIEND 1
A bit.

FRIEND 3
Not at all.

FRIEND 2
Guys like girls who come and say what they feel. It’s modern and cool.

FRIEND 3
It’s desperate.

FRIEND 2
Desperate times call for desperate measures!

FRIEND 1
He can’t KNOW you’re desperate.

FRIEND 3
So don’t say anything.

FRIEND 1
So say very little.

FRIEND 2
So say everything!

GIRL
Guys! This really isn’t helping at all!

FRIEND 4
You should just hook up with him.

GIRL
What?

FRIEND 4
Have unprotected sex. Tell him the next day that you’re pregnant. See how he reacts. Then you’ll know.

Beat.

FRIEND 1
I dig it.

FRIEND 2
Yup.

FRIEND 1
Sounds like a solid plan.

FRIEND 2
Very bold.

FRIEND 3
But doesn’t involve any talking. Until the next day at least.

FRIEND 1
Certainly.

FRIEND 2
Do it.

FRIEND 1
Do it.

FRIEND 3
Do it!

GIRL
Okay!

FRIENDS
Hooray!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Subtext Sandwich


Subtext Sandwich

WENDY and JAKE. They each have an INTERPRETER. The INTERPRETERS have pompous accents.

WENDY
Hey.

JAKE
Hi.

WENDY
Um.

JAKE
Yeah.

WENDY INTERPRETER
Jake. I’m so excited to see you. You are the most amazing guy I’ve ever met. I am honored and amazed that you would take time out of your day to talk to me.

JAKE INTERPRETER
I wonder what I should get for lunch?

WENDY
Wassup?

JAKE
Nothing much. You?

WENDY
Nothing much.

WENDY INTERPRETER
You are the most beautiful boy on the planet. Oh my god I want to touch you.

JAKE INTERPRETER
Maybe I should have a turkey sandwich.

JAKE
Cool.

WENDY
Cool.

JAKE
Um.

WENDY
Yeah.

JAKE
Cool.

JAKE INTERPRETER
Actually, I had turkey yesterday. Maybe I should have steak today.

WENDY INTERPRETER
I want to ask you out. I want to ask you out. GAH WHY CAN’T I JUST ASK YOU OUT?

JAKE INTERPRETER
Steak. Definitely.

WENDY
So.

JAKE
Yeah.

WENDY INTERPRETER
He’s not interested. He’s so not interested.

JAKE INTERPRETER
I should get fries too.

WENDY INTERPRETER
I’m just gonna leave.

WENDY
See ya around!

JAKE
Bye!

JAKE INTERPRETER
She’s pretty cute. I should ask her to a movie sometime.

WENDY INTERPRETER
I think I’ll have a sandwich for lunch.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Agent Ocelot Leads to a Discussion of Love


Agent Ocelot Leads to a Discussion of Love

HQ. NINA, STELLA, DOREEN, PETER, IRA and MITCHELL. OCELOT has just exited.

NINA
Excuse me. Could Stella and I have some girl talk time?

DOREEN
Sure. I need to get some more gauze anyway.

NINA
Actually, if everyone could please give us a moment?

PETER
Cat fight.

IRA
Mrow.

NINA shoots him a dirty look. STELLA can barely contain her laughter.

NINA
Please?

PETER and IRA return to their Petrie dish. DOREEN looks through her desk. MITCHELL writes. But everyone keeps one ear on STELLA and NINA.

NINA
So. Stella.

STELLA
Nina.

NINA
You work with Keith. You’re his colleague.

STELLA
I’m his partner.

NINA
Colleague. Please. Partner sounds unsettlingly domestic.

STELLA
I’m his colleague.

NINA
Your bracelet is absolutely darling. Where did you get it?

STELLA
Spencer gave it to me.

NINA
Spencer?

STELLA
My old... colleague. We were really close.

NINA
Really.

STELLA
You know, when you spend so much time with someone in such harrowing, life-threatening situations, it really forces you to become close to someone.

NINA
Are you and Keith very close?

STELLA
Not as close as Spencer and I were.

NINA
Were?

STELLA
Spencer… Keith and I still have a while to get to the point Spencer and I ended at.

NINA
What point was that?

STELLA
We were fucking.

KEITH walks in.

KEITH
Can you drive home?

NINA
Sure.

NINA walks over to KEITH. She pulls the keys out of her cleavage and dangles them in front of his eyes.

NINA
Let’s go babe.

She smacks his butt. He looks at her exceptionally confused. He looks to STELLA for an answer. She shrugs. KEITH and NINA exit.

DOREEN
They are an interesting pair.

STELLA
I feel so bad for her. He doesn’t really like her. I don’t get why he let her move in.  

PETER
Ocelot lives with that hunk-a ass? Da-yum!

IRA
She is a woman Peter. Not a “Hunk-a ass.”

They both exit.

STELLA
They are so high school.

DOREEN
Says little Miss Catfight here.

STELLA
I was very dignified. Very.

DOREEN
Seemed a bit personal.

STELLA
He’s a very dear friend and she’s always struck me as being quite a.. a floozy. And I don’t approve. At all.

DOREEN
I see.

STELLA
It’s nothing more than that.

DOREEN
You’d expect a bunch of intelligent adults to act as such, but as Vinny says, it’s like high school all over again. We never grow out of it I suppose.  

STELLA
How do you do it Doreen?

DOREEN
Do what?

STELLA
Stay with Vinny? God, you’ve been married what, thirty years?

DOREEN
Thirty seven come September.

STELLA
Holy shit.

DOREEN
Thank you.

STELLA
That’s an accomplishment.

DOREEN
Yes.

STELLA
Especially with his… condition.

DOREEN
Condition?

STELLA
He can never remember meeting you, much less falling in love, getting married…

DOREEN
Stella—

STELLA
And it’s not like he’s a forgetful person. When it comes to the Agency he has a perfect memory. But it seems like at least once every few months, he’s forgotten who you are and then hires you to be his secretary… And yet you’ve stayed with him these thirty-seven years! It doesn’t make sense!

DOEEN
Vinny—

STELLA
How can you stand it?

DOREEN
The first time he forgot me some thirty-seven years ago… we’d been married a few months and all of a sudden he didn’t know who I was. I was so mad. I screamed. I shouted. I moved out and lived with my mother for a week. But then… you see, I first met him when I was interviewing to be a secretary, right? Well the next week I go in and I’m about to give him the divorce papers, when I notice that he’s taking second glances at me. And then, he asks me to be his secretary. Stunned I accepted, and two weeks later, he asked me to marry him. The exact same tone of voice, the same candor. So we remarried. And a month or two later, it was the same thing. It’s amazingly odd, I’ll tell you… but think about this: Has Vinny ever once strayed?

STELLA
No…

DOREEN
And doesn’t he come back every time?

STELLA
Yes.

DOREEN
And in a way, the forgetfulness makes it exciting. He’s always a young schoolboy in love for the first time; the romance is always fresh and new. We never fall into the monotony of old age.

VINNY enters.

VINNY
Tine! When are you going to be back in commission?

DOREEN
She’ll be good as new by tomorrow.

VINNY
Doreen! You look very nice today.

DOREEN
Thank you.

VINNY
I was wondering, Doreen…

DOREEN
Yes?

VINNY
Are you almost done with Agent Tine’s bandage?

DOREEN
More than done.

VINNY
Would you care to go out to dinner? With me? Tonight?

DOREEN
I would love that.

VINNY
Excellent. I’ll pick you up in about… fifteen minutes?

DOREEN
Fifteen minutes.

VINNY nods, then exits. DOREEN smiles smugly.

DOREEN
Isn’t young love a wonder?

Friday, August 27, 2010

They Play Scrabble After Dinner


They Play Scrabble After Dinner

DAN and MARTHA play Scrabble with their teenage children JANET and MATT.

MARTHA
How was school today?

JANET
Lovely.

MARTHA
Matt?

MATT
It was cool. Jargon.

DAN
Good word boy.

MATT
Thank you.

MARTHA
Did you get your chemistry exam back?

MATT
Yes.

MARTHA
How’d you do?

MATT
B+.

DAN
You know, B+’s don’t get you into Yale. Jetlag.

MATT
I know Dad.

Running out the door. Still working on it.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Secret in her Eyes


The Secret in her Eyes

ABBY and TYLER.

ABBY
Hey! You!

TYLER
Wassup?

ABBY
Stop liking my boyfriend.

TYLER
What?

ABBY
I’m on to you.

TYLER
You’re crazy.

ABBY
No.

                        TYLER
We’re friends.

ABBY
You’re too close.

TYLER
I treat him just the same as all my guy friends.

ABBY
I can tell you want more.

TYLER
Um. How?

ABBY
Look.

ABBY hands her a photograph.

TYLER
That is me. And him. And five of our friends.

ABBY
You’re next to him.

TYLER
I am next to him.

ABBY
Why are you next to him?

TYLER
That’s how we were standing?

ABBY
I don’t think that’s why.

TYLER
I think you’re crazy.

ABBY
You have your arm around his waist.

TYLER
And my other’s around the other guy next to me.

ABBY
You’re holding him tighter.

TYLER
You need to stop obsessing over this picture.

ABBY
You’re leaning towards him.

TYLER
He’s in the center.

ABBY
You’re smiling.

TYLER
It’s a picture!

ABBY
And you got really drunk last night and told me I was a cunt-ass bitch who could never care for him as much as you did and therefore didn’t deserve him.

Beat.

TYLER
Mk yeah he’s cute. 

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Big C


Big C

KATIE with MADDIE and MIRANDA.

KATIE
So they take us up a hill. And we’re in a line. And chanting. And then we paint the C. With our bodies. They used to lead us up a path, but then someone called it hazing so now they have to take us on a legit road. Also, they’re dressed as dementors. And drunk.

Beat.

MADDIE
And this is supposed to be a good idea?

Beat.

KATIE
Yes. 

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Marco Polo


Marco Polo

An elementary school playground. On center stage is a metal-tube jungle gym. DIANE and CHERYL, both 8 years old, sit on the steps on right, eating their lunches and playing Cat’s Cradle.

CHERYL
I really hope Mandy doesn’t see us.

DIANE
Yeah.

CHERYL
You need to tell her you guys aren’t best friends anymore. Second grade was last year, and now we’re third graders and older and moved on.

DIANE
Remember how she used to let us be the yellow and pink Power Rangers? And she’d be the villain? Wasn’t that fun?

CHERYL
Yeah.

DIANE
And play whatever we wanted to?

CHERYL
Yeah.

DIANE
And just… be Mandy.

CHERYL
Yeah.

DIANE
And now she’s… she’s louder.

CHERYL
Well, I never really liked her. She’s always been so annoying.

DIANE
Yeah.

CHERYL
I’m glad you two aren’t hanging out as much as you used to.

DIANE
            (awkwardly)
Me too.

MANDY, 8, walks onstage, clutching a book and a brown bag lunch.

MANDY
Hey Diane! Hey Cheryl!

DIANE
Cracker jacks.

CHERYL
Is that her?

DIANE
Yes.

MANDY
Can I play?

CHERYL
Cat’s Cradle is a two person game Mandy.

MANDY
We can take turns.

DIANE
No, we can’t.

MANDY
Then, I’ll just sit here and read my book.

CHERYL
Right.

She sits and pulls out her book and starts reading. CHERYL gives DIANE a withering glance, then whispers in her ear. DIANE looks at her quizzically. CHERYL nods

DIANE
Mandy?

MANDY
Hmm?

DIANE
I have a game we could all play.

MANDY
Okay! What?

DIANE
Marco Polo.

MANDY
But, don’t we need more people for Marco Polo?

CHERYL
Nope.

MANDY
And a pool?

DIANE
No, just a little imagination. And a jungle gym

MANDY
Oh, okay.

DIANE and CHERYL
Not it.

CHERYL
That leaves you.

MANDY
Okay.

CHERYL and DIANE clamber onto the jungle gym and MANDY climbs inside.

DIANE
So all you have to do is try to tag our ankles.

MANDY
Uh huh.

DIANE
Make sure you keep your eyes good and tight, okay?

MANDY
Uh huh! Marco!

DIANE and CHERYL
Polo!

They play for a few moments. Then, DIANE and CHERYL exchange a look and a nod. CHERYL begins to descend and, after a moment of hesitation, DIANE follows. As they leave, they continue to answer MANDY. Eventually, they get back to the steps and stop.

MANDY
Marco! Marco!
            (realizing)
Marco?

She stops walking. Slowly, she opens her eyes and looks at CHERYL and DIANE, who merely sit back down and start playing Cat’s Cradle. She climbs out from under the jungle gym and walks back toward them. Wordlessly, she picks up her book and her brown paper bag and runs off stage.

CHERYL
She won’t be asking to play again.

DIANE
No. I guess not…

Monday, August 23, 2010

Tired Katie

Tired Katie
August 23, 2010

KATIE stands onstage.

KATIE
I’m tired. I just wrote two original blogs. And I think I’m getting sick. More tomorrow!

The Tragic Tale of Amelia and Evan


The Tragic Tale of Amelia and Evan
August 22, 2010

AMELIA and KIRSTIN. Both 12 years old.

AMELIA
You write plays, right?

KIRSTIN
Kinda yeah.

AMELIA
You should write the story of my life.

KIRSTIN
The story of my life?

AMELIA
Me. And Evan.

KIRSTIN
What about you and Evan?

AMELIA
Yes.

KIRSTIN
Didn’t you two break up?

AMELIA
But I like him again.

KIRSTIN
Well duh.

AMELIA
And he likes his stand partner.

KIRSTIN
Eek.

AMELIA
Yes.

KIRSTIN
That sucks.

AMELIA
So you should write about it.

KIRSTIN
Do I have to?

AMELIA
It would be so cool!

KIRSTIN
Okay.

To read the story, click here

The Last 5 Months - I Can Do Better than That

The Last 5 Months - I Can Do Better than That
Based on this song 

CARRIE
My Big Bear was a little bit flakey FTP of my newman year
You see Amber had started up bandcest that summer
Newman Carrie confused every minute thinking, what am I doing here
While Amber’s off making out with some stupid bass drummer
They had their little cute pics
And their little cute tweets
With their pictures on the calendar
Apparently had sex in a TH shower stall
Just the typical facts of the typical
Of a bass drum and the Cal Band whore
I thought about what I’d wanted
Wasn’t like that at all
Didn’t even read her excomm letter because
I can do better than that

In a year or two I asked for a little bear
Thinking what’ve I got to lose
Got a net, got a phonez and was sure I was a winner
I saw them marching at FTP thinking
How better could I choose
Believe me I ate me hella Crossroads dinner
And I guess they were cute
And I guess they were sweet
And they never wore any red
They both managed to stick in it the whole year
And I’m starting to think
That they’ll definitely stay
And the second it entered my head
They needed some more time off; something about “grades”
One even ditched for a rally comm sweater
I thought: I can do better than that

I’ll fight so that you don’t get cut
I’ll help you find black shoes
I’ll protect you from the Stanfurd fans
Just like me

I’ll help you plow through march down
I’ll fill you in on social news
I’ll kick the basses asses
I’ll teach you horn flashes
Just realize we

We want you, and you, and nothing but you
Miles and piles of you
Maybe a reason for me to keep on going

You, and you, and nothing but you
No other recruit will do
Nothing but fresh and diluted and pure, top of the line
Leading the line

I don’t need any lifetime commitment
No Oski tattoos tonight
I don’t want you to put up walls and defenses
I don’t mean to put on any pressure
But I know when a thing is right
It’s just one of those weird senses

Think of what’s great about gold and blue
Think of the fun we’ve all been through
Don’t think of the past, because
We can do better
We can do better
We can do better than that

Friday, August 20, 2010

The Last 5 Months - See I'm Smiling


The Last Five Months – See I’m Smiling

CARRIE
I guess I can’t believe you really made it
The Bears actually got a bowl game
See I’m smiling
That means I’m glad that you’re not lame

We stole some signs from the stadium
There’s some hardcore CBK
See we’re laughing
I think we’re gonna be okay.

I mean, you’ll have to try a little harder
Possibly learn how to throw
To make this bowl game special
Like we’d hoped five months ago
I mean you made it to San Diego
Who knows how the game will go

I’m pretty sure I’ll like this game
I’m pretty sure that we won’t suck

See you’re playing
And I’m smiling
By the ocean
In San Diego
Approach the line
We’re doing fine

I think we both can see what could be better
That ref’s last call was wrong
With all we’ve had to go through
At our defensive line should be strong
And so we’ll start again next quarter
And just keep rolling along

I didn’t know they’d score so soon
I’d hoped we had a little time

Look: whatever, if they got through
Then they got through
So whatever
It’s all right
We’ll soon play fight

You know what makes me crazy?
I’m sorry can I say this?
You know what makes me nuts?
The fact that we could be a winner; here, a winner
Playing some Fight; not wasting time

And you are gonna blow
No you are
Yes, Riley, that’s exactly what you’re doing
You could throw us a catch or give them the ball
As usual guess which you pick

No Riley you do not have to miss yet another passing
These fundamentals you should already know
You could give us a win to end the season
Instead of rubbing salt all in the blow

And I know in your soul it must drive you crazy
That Jahvid gets all the cute girlfriends

No I’m not – no I’m not!
And the point is Bears
I don’t spend a day that’s not about you and you and nothing but you
Marvelous on-the-list you
Aren’t they wonderful, ranked 23!
The year that will win us

You and you and nothing but you
Miles and piles of you
Raising the hopeful and crushing their dreams
The predictions lie
And I—

I swear to God I’ll never understand
How you can fumble the ball
See I’m crying
And not fix anything
At all


Now for realsies, I'm not posting for a few days. Will get up to date when I'm back from FTP

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Last 5 Months - Shiksa Goddess



The Last 5 Months - Shiksa Goddess
August 19, 2010

This is part of a multi-part series based on marching band and the Last 5 Years.

To the tune of Shiksa Goddess

SADIE
I’m breaking my mother’s heart
The longer I stand looking at you
The more I hear it splinter and crack
From way across the Bay

I’m breaking my mother’s heart
My family’s Stanford legacy is weeping and crumbling to the ground
My grandfather’s rolling, rolling in his grave

If you’ve crappy dorm food – that doesn’t matter
Attempted student coups – that’d be cool
You may have your hobos and your homos and your wireless on slow-mo
But as long as you’re not that other school
I say now I’m getting somewhere
I’m finally breaking through
I say hey hey UC Berkeley: I’ve been waiting for someplace like you



Note from Katie:
I will be at UC Davis for FTP for the next few days sans internet, so I won’t post anything. I’ll catch up when I get back. Go Bears!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

It’s Almost FTP!


It’s Almost FTP!

KATIE addresses her LEGS.

KATIE
Have you enjoyed this summer?

LEGS
Yes!

KATIE
Pretty relaxing, eh?

LEGS
Well, you did make me go to the gym.

KATIE
But that wasn’t much.

LEGS
True.

KATIE
But guess what this weekend is.

LEGS
What?

KATIE
FTP!

LEGS
NOOOOOO.

Fini.