Saturday, July 31, 2010

Agent Ocelot Becomes the Cause of a Near Catfight


Agent Ocelot Becomes the Cause of a Near Catfight
July 31, 2010

Headquarters of S-HIT. Continued from here.

STELLA
Keith talks about you a bit. And you do call the office quite often. You do realize Keith normally keeps his phone on speakerphone.

NINA’S MESSAGE (V/O)
Hey Keith-y-poo, I just got back from the grocery store and I’ve got a package of hamburgers and a can of whipped cream with your name on it.

NINA
I did not know he did that. Keithy dear, are you ready to go home?

KEITH
Let me go get briefcase.

KEITH exits. NINA walks over to DOREEN.

NINA
Excuse me. Could Stella and I have some girl talk time?

DOREEN
Sure. I need to get some more gauze anyway.

NINA
Actually, if everyone could please give us a moment?

PETER
Cat fight.

IRA
Mrow.

NINA shoots him a dirty look. STELLA can barely contain her laughter.

NINA
Please?

PETER and IRA return to their Petrie dish. DOREEN looks through her desk. MITCHELL writes. But everyone keeps one ear on STELLA and NINA.

NINA
So. Stella.

STELLA
So. Nina.

NINA
You work with Keith. You’re his colleague.

STELLA
I’m his partner.

NINA
Please call yourself his colleague. Partner sounds unsettlingly domestic.

STELLA
I’m his colleague.

NINA
Thank you. Oh, your bracelet is absolutely darling. Where did you get it?

STELLA
Spencer gave it to me.

NINA
Spencer?

STELLA
My former... colleague. We were really close.

NINA
Really.

STELLA
You know, when you spend so much time with someone in such harrowing, life-threatening situations, it really forces you to become close to someone.

NINA
Are you and Keith very close?

STELLA
Not as close as Spencer and I were.

NINA
Were?

STELLA
Spencer… Long story. Keith and I still have a while to get to the point Spencer and I ended at.

NINA
What point was that?

STELLA
We were sleeping with each other.

KEITH walks in.

KEITH
Can you drive home?

NINA
Sure.

NINA walks over to KEITH. She pulls the keys out of her cleavage and dangles them in front of his eyes.

NINA
Let’s go babe.

She smacks his butt. He looks at her exceptionally confused. He looks to STELLA for an answer. She just shrugs smugly. KEITH and NINA exit.

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Bionic Brain: The Picture Frame

The Bionic Brain: The Picture Frame

Blank space. TEACHER stands to the side.

KAREN opens pulls the curtain on the picture frame back to reveal ANDY posing, like in a picture. She paces.

KAREN
I missed a question in class today. Froze up. Completely and totally.

ANDY
Was it a hard question?

KAREN
Who was Eisenhower’s Attorney General. Wasn’t even on the tip of my tongue.

ANDY
So? You’re only human.

KAREN
I should have known.

ANDY
Nobody’s perfect.

KAREN
I am. I’m supposed to be.

ANDY
Who says?

KAREN
The kids in class. They call me perfect.

ANDY
Then they’re stupid.

KAREN
Well duh.

ANDY
Because nobody’s perfect.

KAREN
Why not?

ANDY
Because perfect’s weird.

KAREN
Do they think I’m weird?

ANDY
Yeah, probably.

KAREN
Do you think I’m weird?

ANDY
If you keep asking me these weird questions I might.

KAREN
Why would they call me perfect? I’m far from perfect!

ANDY
People interpret achievement as infallibility.

KAREN
But look at me. I’m… ugly.

ANDY
Are you fishing for compliments?

KAREN
I’m stating a fact. No one will ever like me for how I look – all they’ll ever see is a shoddily made human façade for a brain.

ANDY
Guys dig smart chicks.

KAREN
You know that’s not true. So many times I just wish I were dumb. Beautiful as the flower; empty as the pot. Beautiful and dumb. I’d settle for pretty. Cute. Adorable even.

TEACHER walks to the picture frame and pulls the curtain back over as KAREN speaks.

KAREN
I read an article in this teen magazine, and it said that guys would rather have a girl with brains than just beauty. That they want a girl that they can talk to, not just look at. That they wouldn’t mind a girl smarter than they are. I believed that; I did. But it’s not true. I could wish it was, which would mean altering all of malekind and I think it would all just be easier I were stupid and pretty, you know? But whatever. It’s all good. It’s all good. Right Andy? Andy?

TEACHER
Bionic Brain, Andy moved away last year. You’ve lost contact. All you have is a photograph.

KAREN
Oh. Right.
He was the only person who called me Karen. 

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Luna


Luna

Hotel room. 9 am.

MITCH lies in bed, wearing a wife-beater and boxer shorts.

LUNA, darkly beautiful, stands in a silky robe. She walks over to MITCH’S jacket, next to the coffee mare. She pulls an envelope out of his pocket and pulls out an envelope. She replaces it with a different envelope.

As she returns the envelope, her finger catches on a photograph. She pulls it out and looks at it interested.

MITCH starts to wake.

MITCH
Why are you up so early?

LUNA
Couldn’t sleep. Coffee?

MITCH
Sure.

He walks over and puts his arms around her waist.

MITCH
Last night was wonderful.

LUNA
I’m glad you thought so.

She kisses him. He notices the clock.

MITCH
Jesus Christ is that the time?

LUNA
What’s the matter?

MITCH
It’s just… I told Ella…

LUNA
Ella?

MITCH
Oh, she’s…

LUNA
The singer from the club. I saw you with her.

MITCH
My sister.

LUNA
Don’t lie. I can smell a lie a mile away.

MITCH
She’s not my sister.

LUNA
You don’t even have a sister, do you?

MITCH
No. How could you tell?

LUNA
If you’d grown up with girls, you would have learned to lie without getting caught.

MITCH
I suppose that’s the curse of having a little brother.

LUNA
You have a little brother Mitch?

MITCH
I really have to go.

LUNA
Tell me about your baby brother.

MITCH
He’s a soldier. In Vietnam. He’s been captured.

LUNA
I’m sorry Mitch. I understand.

MITCH
Yeah? You have a little brother in ‘Nam?

LUNA
I have a little brother. Tell me about Ella.

MITCH
I’d rather not.

LUNA
Her act was dreadful last night.

MITCH
I still have to meet her for breakfast.

He kisses her forehead.

MITCH
I’m glad I met you Luna.

LUNA
I’m glad I met you too.

He exits. She pulls out the envelope, looks at it and smiles. 

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Carlisle Kennedy


The Carlisle Kennedy

Balcony.

DAPHNE stares out. VICTOR walks out.

VICTOR
What are you doing out here?

DAPHNE
Needed some fresh air. You?

VICTOR
Just… saying hi.

DAPHNE
Hey.

VICTOR
Hey.

DAPHNE
So. I hear you’re getting married.

VICTOR
That I am.

DAPHNE
That’s nice. Did you get down on one knee?

VICTOR
The whole nine yards. One second we’re watching reruns of Futurama, the next… I don’t know what happened, but I’m down on one knee and asking her to spend the rest of her life with me. Completely out of the blue, even for me.

DAPHNE
Just an impulse?

VICTOR
An impulse.

DAPHNE
You’re one to think things out. Or so I thought.

VICTOR
Just right out of the blue.

DAPHNE
Are you happy with your impulse?

VICTOR
Very, actually. Surprisingly. Well, not so surprisingly. I knew it was going to happen at some point.

DAPHNE
You’ve been together forever.

VICTOR
Yeah.

DAPHNE
Or at least as long as I’ve known you.

VICTOR
We were college sweethearts you know. Met her in an English seminar. A Gatsby intensive.

DAPHNE
Sounds romantic.

VICTOR
It wasn’t. I made a total ass out of myself several times in front of her. Then I realized she liked it and I asked her to dinner. And here we are. Engaged.

DAPHNE chuckles,

VICTOR
What?

DAPHNE
People’s college stories. Romances. They amuse me.

VICTOR
Did you have any college romances of your own?

DAPHNE
Oh no. I mean, I dated the odd guy here and there. Nothing serious.

VICTOR
Nothing?

DAPHNE
I really liked this one guy. From the Poli Sci Society.

VICTOR
Name?

DAPHNE
Carlisle Kennedy. His parents had doomed him to become a Senator. Anyway, everyone liked Carlisle Kennedy. He was just so cute.

VICTOR
Did you ever make a move?

DAPHNE
Oh no. Carlisle had a girlfriend. Not that anyone ever met her. She went to a different school. So he seemed free, but he wasn’t. And he was always there, cute, but untouchable.

VICTOR
I see.

DAPHNE
Maybe I should’ve made a move. But guys with girlfriends are untouchable. You know? Cute but untouchable.

VICTOR
Yeah.

DAPHNE
I think there will always be guys like that. God, I hate them.

VICTOR
…Yeah.

DAPHNE
Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean—

VICTOR
No no, I know.

DAPHNE
Yeah.

DAPHNE kisses him.

VICTOR
What was that?

DAPHNE
An impulse.

VICTOR
What?

DAPHNE
I’m sorry. Goodbye Victor.

VICTOR
Daphne.

DAPHNE
I’m going inside.

VICTOR
You’re a great girl Daphne.

DAPHNE
I was right about not… Carlisle Kennedy. Impulses are bad.

VICTOR
I’m sorry. Do you hate me?

DAPHNE
You?

VICTOR
You said you hate guys like… Carlisle Kennedy…

DAPHNE
I don’t hate Carlisle Kennedy. And I don’t hate you. I just hate your girlfriends.

VICTOR
Okay.

DAPHNE
Goodbye.

VICTOR
Bye. 

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Near Sisters


Near Sisters
This is what I think about while reading Wheel of Time

LUKAS sits. DAISY enters, brandishing an undergarment.

DAISY
What is this?

LUKAS
Oh shit.

AMY enters and surveys the scene.

AMY
Or should I say, what is this?

LUKAS
Fuck.

DAISY
Yes, you seem to be doing a lot of that lately.

LUKAS
Ladies, really, I can explain.

AMY
Can you Lukas? Really, can you?

DAISY
I really doubt you can.

AMY
My best friend, Lukas.

DAISY
My best friend!

LUKAS
I’m sorry, Amy, Daisy, I really am!

AMY
Really.

LUKAS
I didn’t mean to do this to you. I didn’t mean to hurt either of you, I just—well, I love you both. I can’t explain it…

DAISY
Couldn’t you have least chosen someone else?

AMY
Someone I could hate?

LUKAS
I’m sorry. I truly am.

AMY
You’ve destroyed our friendship.

DAISY
Amy was like my sister!

LUKAS
I’m sorry!

AMY
Foolish men. Ha! Always ruining everything good between women.

DAISY
Yeah!

AMY
Throwing chaos into life.

DAISY
Making us act irrationally.

AMY
Destroying our bonds with superficial ones of their own.

DAISY
Men are stupid!

AMY
Men are stupid.

DAISY
And foolish too.

AMY
But perhaps we women are more foolish, for giving into their tricks.

DAISY
If it weren’t for me, there would be no tricks. So men are to blame.

AMY
Men are to blame. You are to blame.

DAISY
Yeah! You!

LUKAS
Please, please ladies, please! Can’s we work out some sort of arrangement?

AMY
Luckily for you, we have.

LUKAS
Good.

DAISY
Or perhaps unluckily.

LUKAS
Unlucky?

AMY
Perhaps.

LUKAS
Perhaps?

AMY
We have spoken among ourselves and realized there is only one course of action we women can take with such a foolish, destructive creature such as you.

DAISY
Foolish man.

Beat.

DAISY
Amy and I are going to be sister wives!

LUKAS
Sister wives?

DAISY
Yes yes yes yes. We were like, near sisters, since we were besties, and now, since we both are in love with you…

AMY
We will be sister wives.

DAISY
Close as actual sisters.

AMY
Sharing the same man.

DAISY
A bond stronger…

AMY
Than any could imagine.

DAISY
And we both end up with you!

LUKAS
So you ladies share me.

AMY and DAISY
Yes.

LUKAS
Like, I get you both.

AMY and DAISY
Yes.

LUKAS
In every way, shape and form?

DAISY
Do we need to explain it to you again silly?

LUKAS
Sweet!

AMY
Our lives as sister wives begins now. Are you ready Sister?

DAISY
I am ready.

LUKAS
I am so so ready.

The two women clasp hands. LUKAS takes off his shirt.

AMY
What are you doing?

LUKAS
Starting my life as a man with two sister wives!

DAISY
Without a shirt on?

LUKAS
We’re about to have a threesome, right?

DAISY
No silly, Amy and I are going to go give each other manicures!

AMY
And we’re gonna watch Legally Blonde.

DAISY
We can shop for shoes online!

LUKAS
Wait… I don’t get it.

DAISY
Our bond is stronger than anything. Including any pervasive desire to procreate with you.

LUKAS
So you two are gonna go make out with each other? Can I watch?

AMY
We’re not making out with each other. We’re doing manicures, Elle Woods, and online shoe shopping.

DAISY
Duh.

AMY
We’re still both your girlfriend. We just have other things to do besides bang you.

DAISY
I really want a pair of gold pumps.

AMY
That sounds super cute.

LUKAS
So I have two girlfriends and neither one will have sex with me.

DAISY
Shoes await!

AMY
This bond just guarantees Daisy and I won’t be at each other’s neck. It doesn’t mean anything special for you other than you have two girlfriends.

DAISY
And you still have all your responsibilities to both.

AMY
All dates should retain exemplary quality.

DAISY
You will be paying for all of these.

AMY
You will have to deal with two psycho PMSing girls.

DAISY
Waiting on hand and foot, of course.

AMY
And you mustn’t pay more attention to one than another.

DAISY
Good god no.

AMY
Which means you will just have to pay us both a lot of attention.

DAISY
But understand when we want to be left alone.

AMY
And when you ought to separate the two of us.

DAISY
And when neither of us wants you.

AMY
And most importantly—

AMY and DAISY
Never forget our birthdays!

LUKAS
Can I just dump you both and start anew?

DAISY
Don’t you love me Lukas?

AMY
And me?

DAISY
You’re breaking my heart!

LUKAS
No, I don’t mean—

AMY
Good, then it’s settled.

DAISY
Girl’s night! 

LUKAS
Oh fuck.

AMY and DAISY
Yay sister wives!

Monday, July 26, 2010

My Boyfriend Phoebe


My Boyfriend Phoebe

Dining room.

ELAINA stares aghast at HOWARD STEVENSON’S flamboyant outfit.

ELAINA
Howard! Really.

HOWARD
Well I don’t want to poor kid to feel out of place dressed all gay while we’re dressed all normal.

ELAINA
Just because our son’s boyfriend is gay doesn’t mean he’s not normal.

HOWARD
You know what I mean. A man’s man.

ELAINA
Nate is a man and this Julio Guadalupe Hidalgo is I’m sure just the man for him.

HOWARD
Well I—

ELAINA
Go change into the nice sweatervest I bought you.

HOWARD exits while ELAINA mills about. He reenters in a baby pink sweatervest.

ELAINA
Now don’t you look lovely dear.

HOWARD
I look like a downright queer.

ELAINA
Howard!

HOWARD
I do I do!

ELAINA
You did a second ago as well.

HOWARD
Yes, but in a mark of solidarity. Now I just look like someone’s whipped husband.

ELAINA
Howard, you are going to wear that sweatervest and you are going to like it.

HOWARD
Well did it have to be pink?

ELAINA
I want Julio to feel comfortable.

HOWARD
Aha! You see why I married you? We have the same mindset!

ELAINA
But mine is more subtle and that makes for all the difference.

HOWARD
What are we eating tonight? Pot roast?

ELAINA
No. I decided to make Julio feel comfortable with our meal by drawing inspiration from his native lands. We’re having Mexican style sausages.

HOWARD
Elaina!

ELAINA
What?

HOWARD
Julio’s Guatemalan.

ELAINA
Well I’m sure if I add enough spice, it will all turn out all right.

To be continued. 

Sunday, July 25, 2010

You Can’t Ticket-Take Pantsless

You Can’t Ticket-Take Pantsless

This is almost verbatim. But slightly altered for dramatic effect.

Behind the concierge desk. KATIE goes to clock in.

XAVIER walks over and presses a button that makes the clock-in thing go away.

KATIE
What just happened???

XAVIER
No worries.

He presses another button. The clock-in thing reappears. SHADOW KATIE breathes a sigh of relief.

KATIE
And I was already late Xavier. If you knew what I’d been through…

XAVIER
What have you been through?

SHADOW KATIE appears on the side. She smiles, strolling in place.

KATIE
I’d come to the mall extra early with Michelle so we could shopping, and halfway to the mall – we were walking – I realized I’d forgotten an undershirt.
(SHADOW KATIE puts her hands on her head)
But it was like, okay, we’re early, so we just went to the super-cheap chola store right next to Macy’s and bought a like $4 tank top.
(SHADOW KATIE gives a thumbs up, and resumes strolling)
So then Michelle and I got to work and her shift was a little before mine, and so I was reading my Wheel of Time book.
(SHADOW KATIE relaxes)
Then about ten minutes before my shift, I decided to get changed when I realized: horror upon horrors!
(SHADOW KATIE puts her hands on her head)
I’d grabbed my long black skirt instead of my black pants!
(SHADOW KATIE hustles, acting out the next portion. KATIE spreads it)
So I ran down to H&M and I found the guy and I asked him: Where are your black pants? And he’s like, these are the only black pants we have! And they were all two sizes too small for me! And I was like, will Forever 21 have a pair? And he was like, maybe! So I hustled over to Forever 21 and I found the guy and I was like where are your pants? And he’s like, we don’t have any. And I’m like, fuck, I have work in five minutes. And he’s like, we have one pair over there by the elevator. and go over and check the price and it’s like, $22 but I do a quick cost-benefit analysis and determine buying the pants is more profitable than not buying the pants. And I grab it and OF COURSE it’s in European sizes, but I grab it and I bring it over to the girl and I’m like, what size is this in American? And she’s like, 7 and I’m like OMIGOD THAT’S MY SIZE and I buy them and it turns out they’re on sale and they’re like $8.50 so I buy them and I ran back over to change back, and I realize I can’t find the undershirt I bought! I’d been changing in the bathroom and I’d hung up the shirt so I go in the bathroom and OF COURSE it’s the ONLY stall being used, so I wait for the stall and when it opens it’s NOT IN THERE so I say SCREW YOU and go to the break room and so NOBODY LOOK I’M CHANGING so I change without the undershirt on and when I go to put on my shoes I realize the shirt is in the shoes so I take off my shirt to put on my shirt and then I go down and I’m five minutes late and then you try to make me later and then I’m here now and that’s my story.

SHADOW KATIE pants in exhaustion.

XAVIER
Wow. 

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Plain Jane Wants a Boyfriend


Plain Jane Wants a Boyfriend

PLAIN JANE sits, staring enviously at her brother JOE SCHMO, who has a HOT GIRLFRIEND, and her sister CINDERELLA, who has a HOT BOYFRIEND.

The MOVIE FAIRY magically appears.

MOVIE FAIRY
Why the long face Plain Jane?

PLAIN JANE
My brother Joe Schmo just brought home a new girlfriend.

MOVIE FAIRY
A very pretty lady.

PLAIN JANE
And then my sister brought home her new boyfriend.

MOVIE FAIRY
They’re a very attractive couple.

MOVIE FAIRY
You should be happy for your siblings.

PLAIN JANE
But I want a hot boyfriend to bring home.

MOVIE FAIRY
Then why don’t you go out and get one?

PLAIN JANE
Because I’m not pretty enough.

MOVIE FAIRY
Neither was your sister. But with a hair-cut, some make-up, a new wardrobe and a few pounds shed, Hot Boyfriend was hers in no time!

PLAIN JANE
I’ve tried that stuff, but… it’s not me. I like the way I look. I like the way I dress.

MOVIE FAIRY
Well that’s just not going to happen Plain Jane.

PLAIN JANE
Why not?

MOVIE FAIRY
Plain girls never get the guy. Until they become pretty, of course.

PLAIN JANE
Just because I’m plain on the outside doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful within.

MOVIE FAIRY
Sweetie, didn’t you ever read The Ugly Duckling? The Duckling was only accepted once it became a swan. A beautiful swan.

PLAIN JANE
Why can’t I just be me and get a hot boyfriend?

MOVIE FAIRY
You will be you. Only more attractive.

PLAIN JANE
I don’t get it.

MOVIE FAIRY
. If you want to stop being a loner, you need to lose twenty pounds and get a pair of contact lenses and a haircut. Then you will become much more self-actualized and confident, which will attract men.

PLAIN JANE
But I’m already confident.

MOVIE FAIRY
You cannot be confident unless you are attractive.

PLAIN JANE
Isn’t that counterintuitive to every self-actualization moral out there?

MOVIE FAIRY
No.

PLAIN JANE
Well… my brother’s as ugly as I am. Actually, he’s uglier. He’s fat and hairy and he wears glasses. But he has a hot girlfriend.

MOVIE FAIRY
That’s because he’s a man.

PLAIN JANE
What?

MOVIE FAIRY
Unattractive men can always get hot girls. The key is to be confident and interesting.

PLAIN JANE
I’m confident and interesting.

MOVIE FAIRY
Yes, but you’re a woman. The confident and interesting trick only works with men.

PLAIN JANE
None of this makes sense.

MOVIE FAIRY
Do you want a hot boyfriend or not?

PLAIN JANE
I want a hot boyfriend who accepts me as I am.

MOVIE FAIRY
Not going to happen. What kind of hot chick look would you like?

PLAIN JANE
I don’t want a hot chick look. I want to look like me.

MOVIE FAIRY
Then you’re just going to have to be content with an average looking man who will blend into the background with you.

PLAIN JANE
I want a man just as hot as my brother’s girlfriend, while I remain just as plain as I am now.

MOVIE FAIRY
That doesn’t happen.

PLAIN JANE
Well it should.

MOVIE FAIRY
I tried!

She starts to walk away. RANDOM HOT GUY walks up to PLAIN JANE.

RANDOM HOT GUY
Just heard your polemic. Intense man.

PLAIN JANE
Thank you. (Beat) You wanna get coffee or something?

RANDOM HOT GUY
I will. After you’ve had your makeover.

PLAIN JANE
What?

RANDOM HOT GUY
Well the girl can’t get the hot guy until she’s had her makeover, right?

MOVIE FAIRY
Told you so.

PLAIN JANE
Gah! Life is stupid.