Saturday, May 22, 2010

Romeo and Juliet in 15 Minutes

Today marks the one year anniversary of the premiere of:

Romeo and Juliet in 15 Minutes

PROLOGUE

CHORUS 1
Two households, both alike in dignity.

CHORUS 2
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene

CHORUS 3
Where from ancient grudge break to new mutiny.

CHORUS 4
And one young couple gets royally screwed!

CHORUS 3
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes

CHORUS 2
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;

CHORUS 4
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows

CHORUS 1
Gets the both of them royally screwed!

CHORUS 3
The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,

CHORUS 2
And the continuance of their parents' rage,

CHORUS 4
Which, but their children's end, nought could remove

CHORUS 1
Right after they get royally screwed!

CHORUS 123
In this fifteen minutes traffic we wish to let
You in to the story of Romeo and Juliet

CHORUS 1
Who royally-

They suppress her.

SCENE 1

ABRAM and ANOTHER SERVANT are at a stand.

ABRAM
So, un-named servant, what do you think of these tunics? Not for me of course, for Lady Montague, you know she’s so peculiar about her tunics...

SERVANT
(bored)
They’re lovely sir.

CHORUS MEMBER jumps out and begins to bite her thumb.

SERVANT
Look! That man is biting his thumb at us!

ABRAM
He’s biting his thumb?

SERVANT
He’s biting his thumb!

ABRAM
Do you quarrel sir?

CHORUS
I do not quarrel. But I do bite my thumb.

ABRAM
Ah, very well then. Good day to you sir.

SERVANT
Wha… wha… are you going to let him just stand there and bite his thumb at us?

ABRAM
It’s not like he’s giving us the finger.

SERVANT
Abram, this is 16th century Italy. Biting your thumb is the same thing as giving the finger.

ABRAM
Oh.
(Beat)
Fight!

CHORUS, TYBALT, etc. enter and fight.

PRINCE (V.O.)
Stop! No more fighting. [add aside?]

SERVANT
Why should we do as you say?

PRINCE
Because I am the Prince! This is not a democracy. Those don’t come back until the Glorious Revolution in England and even then it’s just a constitutional monarchy. No fighting!

(They all leave, disgruntled, except for ROSALINE, looking sexy as all hell, closely followed by a vaguely stalkerish ROMEO. ROMEO sits as BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO enter.)

ROMEO
Oh, woe. Woe! Woe! I am feeling emo today. Woe woe woe!

BENVOLIO
Whoaaaaa, what’s up wit choo?

ROMEO
Oh woe, woe, woe is me!I love Rosaline but she won’t love me back. Look, I wrote a love poem for her:
Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week
Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a sonnet

MERCUTIO
Romeo, you’re so lame.

BENVOLIO
Hey! Capulet’s holding a party tonight! Let’s sneak in and flirt with a bunch of Capulet women knowing full well that if we get caught we shall be killed!

M/B
Yeah!

MERCUTIO
This reminds me of a dream I once had! About Queen Mab and her symbolism!

BEVOLIO
Oh crap.

MERCUTIO
Blah di blahblah, symbolism, blah blah blah, fairies, night, motifs, blah da blahblah!

(They drag him offstage)

SCENE 2

NURSE ties a corset on JULIET.

NURSE
Pull it in Juliet, pull it in!

JULIET
I’m sucking as hard as I can!
Nurse, why are you pulling my corset so tightly?

NURSE
So that you might marry Count Paris.

PARRIS enters, looking sexy as all hell.

JULIET
And what purpose does pulling my corset do?

NURSE
To make your waist look smaller and your boobs look bigger.

JULIET
So that I may demean to an antiquated and sexist version of the ideal woman created by the narrow-minded males of my day?

NURSE
Yes

JULIET
Oh.

(People run in noisily.)

NURSE
Oh look, the party’s started!

JULIET
Am I released?

NURSE
Shut up and suck.

(ROMEO tries to cut his wrists.)


BENVOLIO
Romeo, are you still being emo?

ROMEO
Yes.
(sees Juliet)
Who is that?

BENVOLIO
I dunno.

ROMEO
She’s beautiful.

BENVOLIO
Want to go talk to her.

ROMEO
Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!

MERCUTIO
Yeah, she’s pretty hot. Maybe you should go talk to her.

ROMEO
I seems she hands upon the cheek of night,

BENVOLIO
I hear a sonnet coming on.

ROMEO
Like a rich jewel in an Ethiope’s ear,

BENVOLIO
This is where I leave.

ROMEO
Beauty too rich for use, for earth, too dear.
Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight!
For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.
Ohhhhhhh

(Over at JULIET. ROMEO sneaks up behind her and pulls her back, covering her mouth.)


ROMEO
Don’t scream dear lady.

JULIET
What the hell? Ooh, you’re cute.

ROMEO
You are like a holy shrine. I would like to kiss you.

JULIET
Well, if we hold hands it’s like hand-kissing.

ROMEO
But I’d much rather lip-kiss.

JULIET
Oh really now.

ROMEO
Yes.

(He kisses her.)

JULIET
(beat)
Let’s do that again.

NURSE (O.S.)
Juliet!

JULIET
Goddammit.

(She runs away.)

ROMEO (Aside)
I am in love!

JULIET
I am in love! But what’s his name?

ROMEO
I wish I caught her name.

CHORUS
That’s Juliet, the only daughter of Lord Capulet.

NURSE
His name is Romeo. He’s a Montague.

ROMEO
A Capulet, my only enemy?

JULIET
A Montague, my only enemy?

BOTH
Shit.

SCENE 3
Balcony.

JULIET
(overdone)
Roooooooomeo, Rooooooomeo wherefore arrrrrrrrrrrrrt thou Rooooooooooooomeo. Denyyyyyyyyyyyy they fatherrrrrrr and forbiiiiiiiiiiiiid thy naaaaaaaaaaaame. Or iiiiiiiiiiif thou wilt noooooooooot, be but swoooooooooorn my looove, and I shall nooooooooo longer beeeeeeee a Capulettttttttttt.

ROMEO
A bit overdone there.

JULIET
Well, it is the most famous line in the show. I mean, eek! A stranger in my garden!

ROMEO
Hello.

JULIET
Are your intentions honorable?

ROMEO
Yes.

JULIET
Swear it.

ROMEO
I swear by the moon—

JULIET
Swear not by the moon! The inconstant moon! Always changing in its shape and position in the sky. Swear by something else.

ROMEO
What should I swear by?

JULIET
Swear by your own sweet self.

ROMEO
I swear by my own sweet self—

JULIET
No!

ROMEO
What?

JULIET
Well if you’re not going to be true why bother swearing by yourself? You’re a hormonal teenage boy; your word is about as good as mud.

ROMEO
I swear by the government of France—

JULIET
That’s the worst so far! They change governments like, every five years!

ROMEO
That doesn’t happen until the 19th century! Until then it’s a fairly stable monarchy!

JULIET
But then it plummets into the deepest depths of tumult and bloodshed!

ROMEO
I… I swear…

JULIET
You know what, don’t even BOTHER swearing!

ROMEO
That’s what I—

JULIET
Let’s just get married.

ROMEO
What?

JULIET
Let’s get married. Big white wedding, pretty dress, fancy chapel…

ROMEO
Isn’t that a bit fast?

JULIET
Honeymoon…

ROMEO
Honeymoon?

JULIET
I was thinking a week in Venice, a few days on the canals, with pink rose petals and a small musical ensemble—

ROMEO
I am going to make a rash, hormonally-charged decision and say yes!

NURSE (OS)
JULIET!

JULIET
Oh crap. Good bye my Romeo!

ROMEO
Goodbye my Juliet!

Pause.

JULIET
You go first.

ROMEO
No you go first.

JULIET
No you go first!

Pause.

JULIET
We’ll go at the same time.

ROMEO
Okay.

They turn around as if to leave, then both stop. They look over their shoulder.

JULIET
You first!

ROMEO
No you first!

JULIET
No you first!

ROMEO
No you—

NURSE
JULIET! STOP FLIRTING AND COME INSIDE!

JULIET
Yes nurse.

She starts to exit, pauses, then leaves.

SCENE 4

Romeo runs up to Friar.

ROMEO
Friar Lawrence!
(Trips)
Friar Lawrence!

FRIAR
(Without bothering to look)
For the last time Romeo, I can neither create a love potion for Rosaline; the clergy does not condone witchcraft. Nor can I ask God to appear to her in a vision demanding that she love you. God doesn’t work that way.

ROMEO
Brother!

FRIAR
What?

ROMEO
I’m getting married.

FRIAR
What?

ROMEO
I am getting married.

FRIAR
What did you put in her drink?

ROMEO
Not to Rosaline you senile old man.

FRIAR
I beg your pardon—

ROMEO
To Juliet! The fair, fair Juliet!

FRIAR
Who?

ROMEO
You know old Capulet, right?

FRIAR
What did you put in her drink?

ROMEO
Nothing! We are to be married.

FRIAR
I’m not doing it.

ROMEO
But Brother Lawrence.

FRIAR
No! Yesterday you’re like, Oh Friar Lawrence, I love Rosaline, get me Rosaline—Rosaline, Rosaline, Rosaline. And now you’re all, Oh, I want Juliet. Give me Juliet. And Romeo, I know you, tomorrow you’ll be all, oh, I want Ophelia, give me Ophelia, annul me Brother Lawrence. You’re a stupid hormonal teenager thinks only with your… I won’t marry you.

ROMEO
Please? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?

FRIAR
No, I—
(Epiphany)
Wait. If you marry Juliet, then your families will have to make up. And there will be peace throughout the land!

ROMEO
Tight. I’ll see you at nine.

FRIAR
There will be a happy ending to the story of Romeo and Juliet!

SCENE 5

TYBALT
Hello. I am Tybalt, the Prince of Cats. Hiss.

ROMEO
Cousin!

TYBALT
Hiss.

ROMEO
Cousin!

TYBALT
Hiss.

MERCUTIO
Dude, are you gonna let him just stand there and hiss at you?

ROMEO
Yes, for I love him!

TYBALT
Hiss—Meruh?

ROMEO
I love you!

TYBALT
That’s quite flattering but I don’t swing that way.

ROMEO
What?

TYBALT
Hiss.

MERCUTIO
Stop being a pansy Romeo. Take him!

TYBALT
Hiss.

MERCUTIO
God dammit Romeo, must I do everything!

(They clash for a second, then Tybalt slays him)

MERCUTIO
(mumbled)
A plague on both your houses.

ROMEO
What?

MERCUTIO
(mumbled)
A plague on both your houses.

ROMEO
Your statement contains both symbolism and foreshadowing; please say it louder!

MERCUTIO
A plague on both your houses! A plague on both your houses! A plague on both your houses! A plague on both your houses! A plague on both your houses!

(Tybalt sidles over and low-key stabs him. He collapses)

ROMEO
Mercutio! Mercutio! You. Tybalt! My name is Romeo Montague. You killed my Mercutio. Prepare to die.

TYBALT
Crap!

Epic fight scene.


ROMEO stabs him

ROMEO
Crap.


PRINCE (V.O.)
BANISH-ED

ROMEO
CRAP!

SCENE 6

JULIET
Oh, I do love being married.

ROMEO
Uh, hey Jules. Erm, I kinda killed your favorite cousin.

JULIET
What?

ROMEO
There was this thing, and this clash, and he killed my best friend who died with this big monologue filled with symbolism and foreshadowing, and all the guys were there, and they were like, kill him! Kill him! And you kinda have to be a man in front of the guys, I mean, not killing him would seem really, floozy ya know? And now I’m banished for life and... gosh, I’m really sorry.

JULIET
Only one thing will make me happy again.

(She looks menacing.)

ROMEO
Oh dear.
(She kisses him)
Huh?

SCENE 7

JULIET
Sigh. Romeo had to leave so he wouldn’t die. How depressing.

(Nurse walks in.)

NURSE
Juliet, guess what! You’re getting married! To Paris!

JULIET
What? No! I’m already married! To Romeo!

NURSE
Too bad!

(She leaves. JULIET goes to the friar)

JULIET
Friar! What do I do?

FRIAR
Here Juliet. Drink this and you will look dead. Romeo will know to come for you.

JULIET
How will he know?

FRIAR
I will send my trusty brother Friar John who is currently preaching to plague victims to go to Romeo and tell him!

JULIET
Alright!

(Takes drink)

CLERGY ASSISTANT
Um, Friar Lawrence? John can’t go. He has the plague.

FRIAR
He has the what?

CLERGY ASSISTANT
He has the plague. You know, killer disease, caused the distintigration of European culture during the dark ages, referred to in Mercutio’s death speech, you know. The plague.

FRIAR
Oh crap. Juliet don’t—

JULIET
Mmm tastes like—

(She falls asleep.)

FRIAR
(to assistant)
You. We were never here.

They scurry off as PARRIS enters

PARRIS
Oh Juliet. Oh Juliet!

(Romeo runs in. Kills Parris passively.)


ROMEO
No! My beloved wife of twenty-four hours! She’s dead! I shall drink this poison and die.

(He drinks it. Juliet awakens)

JULIET
Oooh, I am awake. And look, here’s Romeo!

ROMEO
Wait, you’re... you’re not... I didn’t have to... oh shit.

(They lock eyes. He dies.)


JULIET
No! My beloved husband of twenty-four hours is dead! And he drank all the poison! Selfish, like such a man. Ha! Maybe if I kiss him I can drink some of the poison from his spit! (Kisses him) Dammit. Ooh, thy lips are warm... No, we’ve already had several murders, a suicide and teenage sex in this thing, I don’t think I should add necrophilia-- Ooh, his dagger! Oh, happy dagger, this is thy sheath! There rust and let me die! (Pause) What is this? (pulls out notebook) They’re love poems! Dear Rosaline… Rosaline? What? Rosaline, I love you. Rosaline please love me. Rosaline, you’re more beautiful than anyone in the world… Rosaline Rosaline Rosaline (Gasps) Oh, you shithead! Happy dagger, HERE is your sheath.

(She stalks off.)

CHORUS 1
A glooming peace this morning with it brings;

CHORUS 2
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head.

CHORUS 3
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;

CHORUS 1
Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished.

CHORUS 2
For never was a story of more woe

CHORUS 3
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

CHORUS 4
Who she royally—!

Curtain.


Credits:

Originally directed by Joey Guthman
Dramaturgy by Michelle Cahn
Music and Fight Choreography by Rene Ganon-O’Gara
Costumes by Michelle Cahn and Katie Fleeman
Set and Lights by Joey Guthman
Stage Managed by Katie Fleeman

Originally featuring:
Romeo – Kevin Mitchell
Juliet – Emma Niles
Nurse – Lexa Grace
Friar Lawrence – Conor Murphy
Tybalt – Brandon Blum
Benvolio – Louie Chavez
Chorus/Mercutio – Amy King
Chorus/Rosaline – Sarah Hattem
Chorus/Paris – Ben Klemes
Chorus/Thumb biter – Marino Lapidus
Clergy Assistant – Shawne West
Unnamed Servant – Madison Neufeld

Prince’s Voice – Andrew Baird


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