Thursday, May 20, 2010

Little Mermaid Beached

Inspired by Cracked... and because Jon Goldstein recommended I write something about the beach.



Little Mermaid Beached

Ship. Night.

ARIEL stands poised at the ship’s edge. ERIC watches.

ERIC
Now honey, just, just don’t—

ARIEL
I’m going back. I’m coming home Daddy!

ERIC
Honey, the sea isn’t your home anymore. This is. Here.

ARIEL
Nope. Nope. I’m coming home Daddy!

ERIC
Darling, be reasonable. Is this about the forks you wanted? Is this all about the forks you wanted?

ARIEL
They’re not forks. They’re dinglehoppers!

ERIC
Dinglehoppers, yes.

ARIEL
No. It’s not about the dinglehoppers.

ERIC
Then what—The anniversary dinner.

ARIEL
You served lobster.

ERIC
Yes, yes we did.

ARIEL
That lobster had a mother!

ERIC
Yes.

ARIEL
And friends!

ERIC
Yes and—

ARIEL
He may have had children!

ERIC
Look. I’m sorry Ariel. We had distinguished guests and distinguished guests expect distinguished food and distinguished food often means lobster. Next time I will remain and abstain from serving seafood. Now will you please come down—

ARIEL
No! No, I’m going home!

ERIC
Ariel! Would you please…


ARIEL
(singing)
ERIC
Darling….


ARIEL
(singing)
Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah!

ERIC
Would you just…

ARIEL
(singing)
AH-AH-AH! AH-AH-AH!

ERIC
God DAMN it, I liked it a lot more when you couldn’t speak.

ARIEL
Excuse me?

ERIC
I liked you a lot better silent. All quiet and subservient and just—

ARIEL
Excuse me, what right do you have—

ERIC
Little did I know the hellish siren hiding behind those big blue eyes. And to think, I sacrificed my life, my freedom—

ARIEL
You sacrificed? YOU sacrificed?

ERIC
I—

ARIEL
Let’s see, I left my home, my family, my SPECIES for you Mister. I gave up my voice—

ERIC
Oh, if only you’d given that up for good!

ARIEL
—my tail, my ability to breathe underwater, my friends of a multitude of different species for what: a pretty boy with a stupid slobbering dog who serves my best friend’s cousins to a bunch of sniveling sycophants at a state dinner!

ERIC
Well you—

ARIEL
Don’t you DARE lecture ME about SACRIFICE!

ERIC
That’s what it always is, isn’t it? YOUR sacrifice. YOUR trials.

ARIEL
Um, well, yes.

ERIC
Do you think you’re the only one who’s had to make sacrifices?

ARIEL
Looks that way to me.

ERIC
I coulda married a hot brunette witch.

ARIEL
Oh poor Eric. Couldn’t marry the embodiment of oceany evil!

ERIC
I don’t care what you say. She was hot.

ARIEL
She had white hair and tentacles.

ERIC
She could obviously hide them if she wished. But instead, I choose the redhead. More exotic.

ARIEL
Oh, I see how it is. For you, it was brunette vs. redhead. For me, it was ocean kingdom and my entire species vs. some pretty boy I saw a ship and had the stupidity to fall in love with!

ERIC
Always the exemplary decision maker, aren’t you Ariel?

ARIEL
I should’ve just let you drowned that very first storm. Let you drowned next to that creepy, creepy statue of yourself. Then I could have just always thought you were the perfect Prince Charming, and never would’ve learned better.

Beat.

ERIC
Maybe you should go home.

ARIEL
Maybe I should.

ERIC
You should jump.

ARIEL
I will.

ERIC
Go crying home to Daddy. Swim with the fishes. Have fun drowning.

ARIEL
I’m coming home Daddy!

She jumps off.

ERIC
Oh my god Ariel!

He takes off his shirt and jumps in. He pops his head up, next to ARIEL, who is treading water.

ARIEL
You came in after me!

ERIC
Of course! I love you! I wasn’t about to let you die!

ARIEL
You love me?

ERIC
I’m married to you, aren’t I?

ARIEL
You told me to jump.

ERIC
I didn’t think you would!

ARIEL
And then you just had to come in and rescue me. Because I have legs, I obviously don’t know how to swim.

ERIC
That’s not—

ARIEL
I can swim very well thank you very much. Better than you can probably.

ERIC
Now there—

ARIEL
I’ll race you to shore!
(She starts to swim. A few paces off:)
I love you too!

ERIC sighs, and follows her. 

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