Monday, May 31, 2010

Cat Chat

Cat Chat
Happy birthday Mom =]

Living room. Couch and reclining chair.

MIA sits on the chair.

SATINE runs across.

SATINE runs back across.

SATINE runs again.

MIA
Would you stop that?

SATINE
String! String!

BOWIE enters.

BOWIE
Where’s the string?

SATINE
String!

They run off. MIA sighs and licks her paw.

SATINE and BOWIE run back on.

SATINE AND BOWIE
String!!

MIA
Now that is quite it there.

SATINE
It’s string Mia!

BOWIE
String!

MIA
Oh, I’m trying to take a catnap.

SATINE
How can you take a catnap when there’s string?

MIA
Very easily.

SATINE
Oh well. String!

BOWIE
String!

MIA
Silence!

SATINE
Why are you sleeping out here? I thought you liked sleeping in the front bedroom.

MIA
Humph. It’s locked.

SATINE
Oh right. The girl’s home.

BOWIE.
Ewww.

SATINE
She makes me get off the table.

BOWIE
Ew.

SATINE
And doesn’t let me sniff her while she’s doing yoga.

BOWIE
Ew.

SATINE
And makes me leave the bathroom when she wants to take a shower!

BOWIE
Evil girl!

SATINE
Plus, she named me after a prostitute.

MIA
Well, you should have just come pre-named. Like me.

SATINE
Good for you.

BOWIE
Boo.

MIA
Short and claw of it, I have to sleep out here.

SATINE
Oh.

BOWIE
Oh.

Pause.

SATINE
String!

BOWIE
String!

MIA
Ugh. 

Sunday, May 30, 2010

The Perfect Gentleman

The Perfect Gentleman

Part of Act III.

LIZBET dusts.

MR. FINN enters.

MR. FINN
Mr. Sherman—

SHERMAN GREY barges in.

MR. GREY
Mr. Sherman Grey. Yes, yes, it is I.

LIZBET
Sorry Mr. Grey sir, but—

BETHANY wails in the other room.

LIZBET
Miss Dawson is ill-disposed at this moment.

MR. GREY
Well—

BETHANY enters.

BETHANY
Ill-disposed? Mr. Grey, sir,  I am never too ill-disposed for your company.

MR. GREY
I actually did come to see you Miss Dawson.

BETHANY
Excuse me?

MR. GREY
No, I came to see Mr. Edwin Denton-Shire.

LIZBET
Mr. Denton-Shire?

MR. GREY
Yes girl, Mr. Denton-Shire. He struck me as one of those cultured gentlemen who are well-versed in the intellect of the world – perhaps one of the few men in the world who could consider himself my peer. I was hoping to continue our conversation that had been so rudely interrupted.

LIZBET
Perhaps Mr. Denton-Shire does not wish to talk to you.

MR. GREY
Miss Dawson, I thought you had the class to teach your servants to hold their tongues. I hoped to continue our conversation before Miss Emmaline Watson comes to interrupt.

BETHANY
Miss Emmaline Watson?

MR. GREY
She expressed an interest in calling on Mr. Denton-Shire today. Silly girl – she will completely disrupt our conversation again: the conversation of intellectual men—

BETHANY
We would not care to deny you such conversation. Lizbet! Get Mr. Denton-Shire!

LIZBET
Must I Miss Dawson?

MR. GREY
The cheek! If you were my maid girl, I should not stand for such retort.

BETHANY
Precisely. 

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Life is Sexually Transmitted


So, I saw Yellow Boat today. Combined with Rent and Angels in America, this expands my knowledge of AIDS-related plays. I also excavated my hard drive a few days ago and found the AIDS play I wrote the first time I tried the Play a Day thing. It seemed appropriate.


Life is Sexually Transmitted
Originally written August 14, 2007

Clinic. JUSTINE sits on one of the benches, beaming. She pats her hands on her abdomen proudly. CARLEE, a street-smart adolescent, sidles down next to her.

JUSTINE
Hello there.
            (beat)
I’m Justine.

CARLEE
Good for you?

JUSTINE
What are you here for?

CARLEE
What do you think?

JUSTINE
I think you’re here to see your doctor.
            (beat)
Is it the Asian doctor?

CARLEE
Why do you need to know who my doctor is?

JUSTINE
Just trying to make small talk.
I’m here to see my doctor too.

CARLEE
Really, I thought you were just hanging out in a clinic.

JUSTINE
I am gonna be a mama.

CARLEE
Congratulations.

JUSTINE
I just found yesterday morning. My period was a few days late and I was like, Better check! And the little pink line came up and that was that.

CARLEE
Congratulations.

JUSTINE
I’m so excited. Nathan—he’s the father— and I have picked out a room and everything, the color, the cradle, the whole shabang. That internet it such a wonder… We found the cutest baby booties on eBay. Absolutely adorable. Pink with a little green tassle on the toe…

CARLEE
Do you want to know why I’m here?

JUSTINE
Sure.

CARLEE
I.
Am here.
To get.
Tested.
For HIV.

(JUSTINE stares at her for a moment, then shrinks to the other side of the bench.)

JUSTINE
Don’t breath on me.

CARLEE
What?

JUSTINE
Stay away.

CARLEE
You can’t get HIV from breathing.

JUSTINE
Oh my god the baby.

CARLEE
You’re perfectly safe.

JUSTINE
You’re endangering my baby!

CARLEE
Your baby is perfectly safe.

JUSTINE
Tramp!

(Beat)

CARLEE
No wedding ring I see.

JUSTINE
What do you—

CARLEE
You and Ethan—

JUSTINE
Nathan.

CARLEE
Whatever. You’re not married.

JUSTINE
We are very poor.

CARLEE
Has he been checked?

JUSTINE
We are perfectly fine.

CARLEE
Tramp.

JUSTINE
Just because Nathan and I aren’t married now doesn’t mean we won’t be soon

CARLEE
And you believe him?

JUSTINE
Yes, I do.

CARLEE
Why?

JUSTINE
Because I love him. And he loves me.

CARLEE
I loved mine too. And he loved me. He also loved Amber and Kylie and Susan and Marta and that girl down the street who sells oranges on the freeway. And who knows who else has loved them.

(Pause)

JUSTINE
That’s my number. It’s my turn.

CARLEE
Have fun.

JUSTINE
You too.

CARLEE
I had mine. I don’t want anymore.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Sometime Ago

Continued from here
Sometime Ago

High school reunion.

PAMELA HARPER stands talking with her husband KEN.

KEN
What was the point of getting married if we’re not getting a financial return?

PAMELA
You don’t extort money from people due to bets they don’t recall making. If they’re sober. We need to wait a few hours until people are drunk enough.

KEN
Meh.

PAMELA
Meh?

KEN
I’m going to go get some champagne.

PAMELA
You do that.

KEN walks away. JIM MABLE walks up.

JIM
Pamela Foster?

PAMELA
Jimmy Mable!

JIM
Hey, you—hey.

PAMELA
Hi.

JIM
How are you doing?

PAMELA
I’m, I’m, well I’m great. It’s Pamela Harper now, actually.

JIM
You and…

PAMELA
Ken. We… yeah.

JIM
Whoda thunk?

PAMELA
Everyone thunk. Or, at least that’s the impression I got.

JIM
I don’t remember hearing anything about, a, wedding… Though I guess I wasn’t really in your, inner—

PAMELA
Oh, it was very recent. Very small. Intimate.

JIM
Whoda thunk.

PAMELA
Yeah.

JIM
And how are you doing otherwise? You, you look great. Is adulthood treating you well?

PAMELA
Very well. I’m an editor for a political blog. We’re based in the Bay Area. A couple friends and I started it in college back in the stone age of the internet and now, I mean, I’m interviewing Senators and getting exclusive stories on Governors. This article on Slate called me an up-and-coming Arianna Huffington. It’s, it’s awesome.

JIM
Well look at you Ms. Successful.

PAMELA
Whoda thunk?

JIM
Everyone thunk. And Ken?

PAMELA
He’s in marketing. For this vineyard in Napa. He sells ads.

JIM
I thought Ken Harper wanted to run off and be the next Steven Spielberg or something.

PAMELA
Well that didn’t quite work out. How are you doing?

JIM
Went to college, went to med school, and now I’m a few years into my residency.

PAMELA
So now you’re Dr. Jimmy!

JIM
Dr. Jim.

PAMELA
Oh, sorry, I didn’t—

JIM
You can call me Dr. Jimmy. It’s cute.

PAMELA
What kind of doctor are you Jim?

JIM
General doctoring, physician, that whole deal. I’m hoping to do Doctors Without Borders.

PAMELA
That’s amazing Jim.

JIM
Thanks Pamela.

KEN walks up with two glasses of champagne.

KEN
And here you go.

PAMELA
Thanks dear. You remember Jim Mable?

JIM
Ken! I was just talking to your lovely wife here. You’re a lucky man. 

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Gay Best Friend

Gay Best Friend

SHELBY stands next to JESSE, putting the finishing touches on his fabulous outfit. She wears an equally fashionable ensemble.

SHELBY
So. How do you feel?

JESSE
I don’t know.

SHELBY
Do you feel fashionable?

JESSE
I guess.

SHELBY
Fabulous?

JESSE
Sure.

SHELBY
Do you feel any gayer?

JESSE
I don’t know.

SHELBY
Who is the hottest piece of ass in Hollywood?

JESSE
Scarlett Johansson.

SHELBY
He’s straight. He’s straight. The boy is straight!

JESSE
Sorry Shelby.

SHELBY
The correct answer was Ryan Reynolds, Jesse: Ryan Reynolds! How on earth are you supposed to be my gay best friend if you can’t change a simple thing like your sexuality?

JESSE
Sexuality is not a simple change—

SHELBY
Single-celled organisms do it all the time. Ergo: It is simple.

JESSE
They change their sex, not their sexuality.

SHELBY
No matter. You’re the worst gay best friend ever!

JESSE
Yeah, because I’m straight.

SHELBY
Aragh!

JESSE
I don’t get it.

SHELBY
Don’t get what?

JESSE
This entire enterprise.

SHELBY
I want a gay best friend.

JESSE
Yeah, I know, but why?

SHELBY
Every girl needs a gay best friend.

JESSE
Why?

SHELBY
You wouldn’t understand. It’s a—

JESSE
It’s a girl thing.

SHELBY
You know how guys find it hot when two girls make out?

JESSE
Heh, yeah.

SHELBY
And I’ve asked you a million times to explain it, and you never really can.

JESSE
It just is!

SHELBY
Well, we girls just want a gay best friend!

JESSE
Well…. there is a medical reason for the girls thing being hot.

SHELBY
Really.

JESSE
It triggers some… gland… thing… And the since it’s with another girl, we don’t biologically sense another dude, we don’t see the whole competition thing so it just is… hot.

SHELBY
Hmm. That actually seems reasonably sound.

JESSE
Now it’s your turn for a reasonably sound explanation.

SHELBY
All girls want guy friends, right?

JESSE
Cuz dudes are awesome.

SHELBY
No. Because boys are honest. Generally. Not all the time, but, girls have a tendency to be a bit catty from time to time. And honestly, we need a break from the estrogen. It makes our periods align.

JESSE
TMI. TMI.

SHELBY
Sorry dear. But yeah, we want guy friends. But honest and fun as guys are, guy friends are – complicated.

JESSE
Are we complicated?

SHELBY
Of course not. But we’re special. In the broad scheme of things, boys are – complicated. People make all sorts of… assumptions and opinions. And sometimes, you worry that you start to believe these assumptions and opinions. And then there’s the worry that all the guy wants to do is…

JESSE
Get with you.

SHELBY
Exactly! Penises make this all complicated. Penises and boobs.

JESSE
I don’t want to get with you.

SHELBY
Thanks Jesse. I don’t want to get with you either.

JESSE
Cool. We could not have had this conversation if I were gay.

SHELBY
I still intend on turning you. Isn’t this hat just fabulous? Don’t you just want it?

JESSE
Not really.

SHELBY
Life would be so much easier if you were gay.

JESSE
What?

SHELBY
Well, then, whenever I’d ask you, “Oh, were there any cute boys there?” you would have a better answer than “I dunno.” If I asked you if my outfit looked good, you’d have a more coherent response than “Meh I guess.” And hanging out with you in public would be less awkward.

JESSE
How is hanging out awkward?

SHELBY
Well… we’re never going to pass for siblings, and cousins is too weird a relationship to immediately indicate. So people just automatically assume…

JESSE
Yeah.

SHELBY
Yeah! And I hate that reaction people always give when we pay for things separately.

JESSE
What reaction?

SHELBY
You really are dull, aren’t you?

JESSE
I—

SHELBY
First they give you the scathing, “Worst boyfriend ever” glare. Then I get the piteous, “Poor girlfriend” stare. Then the cashiers exchange, that dreaded, “What a dysfunctional couple, I bet he beats her” glance that I just abhor because I feel so judged on absolutely baseless grounds! And we get it absolutely everywhere

JESSE
I’ve never really noticed.

SHELBY
That’s because you’re dull. But if you were flamboyantly homosexual, then none of this would be an issue at all!

JESSE
Why can’t I just make you my lesbian best friend?

SHELBY
Because no straight guy would accompany his lesbian best friend to Sex and the City 2 tonight.

JESSE
We’re going to Sex and the City 2?

SHELBY
Of course! That’s why we have to look fabulous!

JESSE
Please Shelby, no, for the sake of everything masculine and testosterone-injected—

SHELBY
You’re gay now. It doesn’t matter.

JESSE
Can’t you go with your girlfriends?

SHELBY
I want to go with you. And besides, think of all the women who are going to be there. Many single. And there’s a bar right next to the theatre, so maybe several drunk before the movie. Or willing to get drunk after the movie.

JESSE
And every single one of them assuming I’m gay.

SHELBY
Exactly darling.

JESSE
Lovely.

SHELBY
Come on Jesse. Do it for me. For your best friend. You can wear whatever you want to. And ogle all the boobies you choose.

JESSE
Except for yours.

SHELBY
Except for mine.

JESSE
Fine. But we’re seeing Iron Man 2 after that.

SHELBY
Excellent! Robert Downey Jr is such a babe!

JESSE
Uh, no, when we go, you are a dude. You shall be ogling Scarlet Johansson.

SHELBY
Whatever you say dear.

JESSE
Fabulous. 

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

William's Entrance



William’s Entrance

Royal court.

QUEEN sits on her throne, PRINCESS CHRYSANTHEMUM close at hand.

SERVANTS (including LILA, DUSTIN and AMELIA) provide ambiance.

Doors swing open, and WILLIAM enters, followed by his BARD.

WILLIAM
Well hello boys and girls, time to rise and shine because I am in the room and it is time to reform this sonuvabitch. Now where—

QUEEN
Young man! How dare you—

WILLIAM
Ah! The lovely Queen of Ibsenmore! Just the woman I was—

QUEEN
How dare you, young man, enter my court in such a dreadful fashion! Did they teach you no courtesy in the hovel from which you came! I ought to have you banished to the deepest dungeons for a spell: that would teach you some decency!

WILLIAM
Well ma’am—

QUEEN
Ma’am? I am Your Majesty you impertinent wretch, and though I do not know how you managed to sneak past my guards, I can only assume it was through trickery and unlawfulness and will land you in the dungeons for far longer than your simple cheek would. This is no place for you boy, and you lack the distinction—

WILLIAM
And this is where you are wrong, Your Majesty.
(He tosses her a sealed envelope)
Read it and weep.

QUEEN
Is this legitimate?

WILLIAM
Is that not your husband’s seal?

QUEEN
Well—

WILLIAM
And his signature?

QUEEN
They could be easy forgeries…

WILLIAM
I would not test your new authority too harshly. Dire consequences may arise.

QUEEN
My apologies. Sir.

CHRYSANTHEMUM
What’s going on Mother?

QUEEN
Your father has lost his military campaign. The kingdom of Ibsenmore is now under the power of Shamilton. This is Prince William – our new ruler.

WILLIAM
Now hold here ma’am – I’m not here to reign or to rule. I am here to reform this dismal excuse for a country so that it may function as an orderly and productive member of our empire.

CHRYSAMTHEMUM
Is there much amiss in our kingdom?

WILLIAM
You must be Chrysanthemum, Ibsenmore’s fair young princess. Yes Princess, there is quite a bit amiss in the kingdom. Rampant inequality, a poor education system, such corruption at the upper echelons. Of course, I doubt many of you in attendance know the true scope of the land’s problems – I daresay, I only skimmed the surface in the ethnographic report I compiled on my way to court. But it is our role as nobles, as elites, to uplift our underlings, so that they may prosper and uplift ourselves as well.

QUEEN
Spoken like a true noble! And to think: I thought you but an impertinent peasant.

WILLIAM
And here we see a prime example of the root of all this strife. I beg you dear woman to keep you socio-economic prejudices to a minimum, at least in the presence of those you influence. 

To be continued...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Blue Tie Samuel

From here
Blue Tie Samuel

1926. Los Angeles.

A courtroom in the background.

Hustle and bustle in the foreground as people walk into the courtroom. There’s a variety of dress, but an obvious preference for those in minks and tailored suits.

A NEWSBOY runs across.

NEWBOY
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Last day of Ellen Darrow’s trial, yes, right here, news about Ellen Darrow’s trial for murder! Will Blue Tie Samuel get her off? Read all about it!

Crowd enters the courtroom. ELLEN DARROW, a luscious young star with red lips and an ingénue look sits in the defendant’s chair.

SAMUEL GRAHAM, a dapper man in a suit and a blue tie, stands in front.

LILLIAN GRAHAM, his wife, looks on adoringly.

SAMUEL
Ladies and Gentlemen: We have here today the classic tale of a classic tragedy. Ellen Darrow, this, beautiful, beautiful young woman, a star in her own right, has suffered an immense loss – the loss of her dear husband, Edwin Burrough, a man she cared for and loved. But she has lost something else – something just as precious: she has lost the trust and respect of her peers. And I don’t mean the Hollywood crowd – I mean you, and you, the men and women of America.

SPECTATOR
Oh god.

SAMUEL
For she is just a regular American girl, yesiree, just like you or me or my dear wife Lillian. Only she’s a regular American girl who’s lost the love of her life. But this is all just rhetoric and poppycock. You say that – I hear you say that. Lucky for me, and lucky for Ms. Darrow, we’ve got us a few facts to back it up.

He continues silently as the NEWSBOY runs out and addresses the audience.

NEWSBOY
Ellen Darrow pronounced not guilty! Officials decide to investigate the pool boy! Blue Tie Samuel does it again!

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Office: Interns


In addition to Glee, I have been watching quite a bit of The Office. So I decided to make up some characters and try to emulate the style. 

The Office: Interns

Desks. TAYLOR and JENNIFER play with a wooden box with numerous drawers.

TAYLOR
Op, I know what today is!

Asides. The two images intersperse.

TAYLOR
We are strictly a summer fling.

JENNIFER
Yup.

TAYLOR
Nothing serious.

JENNIFER
No strings attached.

TAYLOR
Nope.

JENNIFER
We have a start date and an end date.

TAYLOR
August 25th.

JENNIFER
That’s when I go back to school. In Indiana.

TAYLOR
And then it’s officially over.

Desks.

JENNIFER
That’s not fair; you put it in!

Aside.

JENNIFER
None of this long distance, pen pal, love transcends geography sort of things people are always wailing about.

TAYLOR
Nope.

JENNIFER
Just a clear timeline with a clear end.

Desks.

TAYLOR (V/O)
We’re business people, so we really like this type of clear parameters. It’s liberating really.

JENNIFER
We know we’ve only got so much time and the clock’s ticking so, you know, you’ve got to best the best of it.

Aside.

TAYLOR
And we want to have fun.

JENNIFER
Oh yeah. Which is why we made these advent calendars. To help us keep track of the days until we’re done.

Desks.

JENNIFER
A peppermint! How sweet. Thanks Sweetie!

JENNIFER (V/O)
Ever day’s a new candy. It’s a new treat.

Aside.

TAYLOR
Just like every day with you.

JENNIFER
Aw shucks. 

Sunday, May 23, 2010

All I Could Ever Want

Dear Glee: Thank you making me what to express absolutely every single emotion in song form. I'm starting to think in musical theatre. I am also very surprised I did not think in this way before the past 7 or so hours I've dedicated to you over the past few days. Watching you in marathon form was probably not a very good plan for me retaining normality. Love, Katie

PS Jonathan Groff, you are a babe. Just as I first noted when I watched the Tony's so many years ago. Why must you be gay and not in love with me? 



All I Could Ever Want

Office lounge.

MAYA and CARLOS sit, eating ice cream.

MAYA
So. Do you know what today is?

CARLOS
Sunny.

MAYA
No silly. It’s the five-year anniversary of when we first met!

CARLOS
When we first met?

MAYA
Mmhmm, right there!

CARLOS
How do you remember stuff like that?

MAYA
I always try to remember important things.

CARLOS
Meeting me was that important?

MAYA
Well you’re a very dear friend Carlos. Of course meeting you was important.

CARLOS
I don’t remember how I met Ben. He’s my best friend.

MAYA
Well—

CARLOS
I actually don’t remember meeting you this day either.

MAYA
Well of course not. You’re a man. Men never remember the important things in life.

CARLOS
Huh.

MAYA
Are you happy you met me?

CARLOS
Sure. It’s nice having a very dear friend.

MAYA
I mean like, do you feel like I’ve had some sort of influence on your life?

CARLOS
Without you, I would’ve never tried pistachio ice cream.

MAYA
No, I mean like, actually, honest-to-goodness influence. A massive turning point in your life, per say.

CARLOS
You clearly do not realize how much I like pistachio ice cream.

MAYA
It’s just… meeting you changed my life. Definitely.

CARLOS
Really? How?

She hesitates, then kisses him.

CARLOS
Oh no, Maya….

MAYA
(sung)
I remember
When I first saw you
I was standing right there

I knew then
Right on the spot
That I could – that I could really care

And look at us now
Five years under our belts
My god has it really been that long?

And I know now
What I knew then
My gut instincts are never wrong

You’re all that I could ever want
You’re all that I could see myself pining for
It’s been constant for five years and I know it won’t change
You’re everything I could want – and more

CARLOS
I have a lot of shit going on right now, okay Maya? I don’t think this is the right… you shouldn’t have to deal---

MAYA
I have seen
Your numerous flaws
But that’s never changed my trajection

They’re glaring
Quite a bit and yet
I still think you resemble perfection

And I know
You’ve seen mine as well
I’m clingy, I’m messy, I can be just a pill

Yet you stay by me
That must say something
If not, I’m not sure what will

You’re all I could ever want
You’re all I could see myself rioting for
It’s been strengthening for five years and I know that won’t change
You’re everything I could want – and more

Please Carlos can’t you just—

CARLOS
Maya, I can’t—

MAYA
Five years I’ve waited
And hoped and I’ve dreamed
I’ve plotted and flirted
I’ve spied and I’ve schemed

You know me; I know you
But my patience runs thin
The questions in your court
Am I out – am I in?

CARLOS
I don’t… I can’t, I just… I don’t know. I’ve got to go!

MAYA
I remember
When I first saw you
God, this is so cheesy

But I know now
As I knew then
I’m not letting you go that easy

CARLOS exits

MAYA
You’re all I could ever want
You’re all I could see myself fighting for
It’s been burning for five years and I know that won’t change
You’re everything I could want
Everything I could conceivably, possibly want
You're everything I could want
And more.