Friday, March 5, 2010

Fermata Ritard



Fermata Ritard
Originally written summer 2007

High school parking lot. ANYA sits on the curb, holding her flute case and waiting to be picked up. JARED walks up to her, holding his drum sticks.

JARED
            (in her ear)
You know, sometimes during practice, I wish I was your flute, because then you’d press my buttons and blow me all day long.

ANYA hits him with her flute case.

JARED (cont’d)
What?

ANYA
You’re so stupid.

JARED
I’m just kidding.

ANYA
Drummer.

Pause.

JARED
Still going for drum major?

ANYA
Of course.

JARED
Oh.

ANYA
There are two slots Jared.

JARED
But one’s drum major and the other’s drum major assistant.

ANYA
So?

JARED
I was just thinking you could mention in your speech that you’d rather be the assistant.

ANYA
Jared. I am a power-hungry napoleon complex afflicted individual. Do you really think I’d back down?


JARED
Well—

ANYA
I’d rather play third clarinet.

JARED
Anya, I put so much time into this band—

ANYA
About half as much as I do.

JARED
Anya—

ANYA
Club fair, Halloween carnival, Springfest, jackets…

JARED
It’s not my fault you sign up for those first.

ANYA
I’m the only one who signs up.

JARED
I actually play drums.

ANYA
So?

JARED
It’s not called flute major, is it?

ANYA
Drum major is a generic term. Any musician can fill it.

JARED
Yeah, like a drum fill.

ANYA
That was stupid.

JARED
You’re stupid.

ANYA
You play drums.

JARED
Yeah.

ANYA
You can hit something with a stick. Mad skills. That must be hard on your brain.

JARED
Flutist elitist bitch.

ANYA
Flautist.

JARED
Flautist.

ANYA
Flutist.

JARED
Flutist.

ANYA
Flautist.

JARED
Shut up.

ANYA
Why should I?

JARED
Because I said so.

ANYA
Chauvinist dickhead.

JARED
Prissy perfectionist.

ANYA
Moronic pervert.

JARED
Sycophantic social-climber.

ANYA
Lazy opportunist.

JARED
Woodwind.

ANYA
Drummer.

With increasing speed.

JARED
How do you put a shine in a flutist’s eye? You shine a flashlight in their ear.

ANYA
How do you know a drummer’s at the door? The knocking speeds up.

JARED
How do you get two flutes to play in tune? You shoot one.

ANYA
How do you confuse a drummer? You put a piece of sheet music in front of them.

JARED
Why did the whole band slow down? Because of all the ritards in the flute section.

ANYA
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they don’t realize that it’s dark.

JARED
How many flutists

ANYA
Flautists!

JARED
Does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ANYA
None, they get their boyfriends to do it.

JARED
But you don’t have a boyfriend.

ANYA
Wanna help with that?

Beat.

JARED
Huh?

ANYA
Drummers are so stupid.

JARED
Wait.

ANYA
I just kinda thought…

JARED
Do you…

ANYA
I suppose I misread the signs…

JARED
All those times you came to drumline practice…

ANYA
Yay, stupid Anya, thinking Jared might…

JARED
Holy shit.

ANYA
We were both going to be drum majors, and I thought it would be really cute…

JARED
I always thought that you…

ANYA
Because I could be like the President and you’d be the First Gentleman…

JARED
I didn’t say anything because…

ANYA
But I always clam up and get all prissy…

JARED
When the whole time you…

ANYA
But obviously, you’re just too stupid to get it.

Pause.

JARED
Hey I’m getting some food. You wanna come with me?

ANYA
Why not?

JARED
You’ll have to foot the bill though.

ANYA
What?

JARED
Because I’m baroque.Bah dum chick!

ANYA
Don’t ever say that again.

They begin to walk off.

ANYA
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

JARED
An un-banged bass drum?

ANYA
Homeless.

JARED
Hey…

ANYA
What do you call a drummer with a girlfriend?

JARED
Not homeless!

ANYA
You.

 ~~~


So this was an assignment during Zay’s workshop at CSSSA. We had one night to write a meet-cute romantic comedy. They say write what you know, and this is what 16-year-old me knew.

In the spring of 2008, the Advanced Acting class at AVPA performed this scene. It was directed by Joey Guthman and starring Lexa Vanech as Anya and Conor Murphy as Jared.

One day, they rehearsed this in front of the music room. All the band kids saw. 

"Oh my god! The theatre kids are performing this scene and it's just like you and Danny!" Andrew Lugliani promptly informed me.

I laughed.

Happy birthday BFF!


(By the way: you're not allowed to do Mustache March)

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