Saturday, February 13, 2010

Frat Boys Suck


Frat Boys Suck

Dorm bathroom.

CAROLINE looks at her massive hickey in the bathroom mirror. She grimaces.

FRIEDA walks in.

FRIEDA
Yeah, one of the brothers gave you quite the number.

CAROLINE
It’s like a sunspot. On my throat.

FRIEDA
He had a full course meal out of ya.

CAROLINE
And I’m out of makeup too.

FRIEDA
Ooh.

CAROLINE
Yeah. Work is gonna be fun today.

FRIEDA
You could turtleneck it. Or wear a scarf.

CAROLINE
Yeah, I guess I could. Ugh. Do you think I have rabies?

FRIEDA
You know the boy came back with you?

CAROLINE
What?

FRIEDA
Yup. Your roommates wouldn’t let him in, so he wanted to sleep in the lounge.

CAROLINE
Really?

FRIEDA
Really.

CAROLINE
Oh joy. Is he still here?

FRIEDA
Nah, we kicked him out before he could get too comfy on the couch. Kind of a creep.

CAROLINE
I didn’t give him my number did I?

FRIEDA
I don’t think so. But he does know where you live.

CAROLINE
Oh great.

FRIEDA
He’s probably a nice guy. Just kinda drunk.

CAROLINE
Keep an eye out for me, would you?

FRIEDA
Of course.

CAROLINE
Was he cute?

FRIEDA
Very.

CAROLINE
I guess that makes this somewhat better.

FRIEDA
He was decent. If it weren’t for the biting thing I’d say get on it girl.

CAROLINE
Thanks babe.

FRIEDA
See ya!

CAROLINE
Byee.

FRIEDA exits. CAROLINE takes one last look at her hickey, then goes on to start washing her face.

The lights flicker off. When they flicker on, the door is open, and RICKY stands in the doorway.

RICKY
Hello Caroline.

CAROLINE
Who are you?

RICKY
I take it you blacked out last night?

CAROLINE
You gave me this!

RICKY
Care to invite me inside?

CAROLINE
Dude it’s a communal bathroom. I don’t have to invite you anywhere.

RICKY
Well then.

RICKY steps inside. He closes the door, locking it.

CAROLINE
Dude, I’m frickin’ pissed about this. I’m out of makeup and if you had any decency you’d go out and buy me some new concealer. It looks like you had a frickin’ banquet on my neck.

RICKY
Just a snack. Not nearly enough. I will have more.

CAROLINE
Dude pickup lines only work when I’m done.

RICKY smiles. He has fangs.

CAROLINE
Damn your teeth look sharp. No wonder I’ve got this monstrosity. What did you do, file them?

RICKY
They’re naturally like Caroline.

CAROLINE
That’s weird.

RICKY
It’s weird indeed. What’s also weird is how sweet your blood tastes.

CAROLINE
Ew. You legit sucked my blood?

RICKY
I did indeed legit suck your blood.

CAROLINE
Okay, not gonna lie, you are not cute enough to have weird fetishes like that. Sorry but, yeah.

RICKY
It’s not a fetish Caroline. It’s subsistence.

He moves as if to kiss her hand, then nips her wrist and takes a slight slurp.

CAROLINE
Oh my god. Oh my god. What the fuck—

She shrieks and starts to throw toiletries at him. He stops her.

RICKY
Don’t be silly Caroline.

CAROLINE
What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck! You just drank my blood what the fuck?

RICKY
Caroline.

CAROLINE
What the fuck are you?

RICKY
I am a vampire. And you are a girl with very, very tasty blood.

CAROLINE
Does that mean you’re in love with me now?

RICKY
No, actually, it means I want to kill you and bottle up all your blood and use it to make a drinking game out of Twilight.

CAROLINE
What?

RICKY
The problem with this is, if I kill you, then I choke off my supply of your blood. A supply I would like to keep flowing.

CAROLINE
I refuse to be just a… blood-making… factory for you!

RICKY
Would it help if I pretended to be in love with you?

CAROLINE
No. I already told you: You need to be cute to have weird fetishes like that.

RICKY
Well then. You’ll just have to get used to my frequent and unexpected appearances. I get hungry at weird hours.

CAROLINE
Um, no.

RICKY
In exchange, I will get you into parties at my frat any time you want to.

CAROLINE
Uh, dude, I have boobs. I can get into any frat any time that I want to.

RICKY
Or I could just kill you now.

CAROLINE
Parties at your frat would be super fun!

RICKY
I’m glad we’ve come to an agreement.

The lights flicker. When they come back up, he is gone, and a new bottle of concealer sits on the sink.

CAROLINE
New  concealer. Thanks dude.

Black out. 

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