Friday, February 26, 2010

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Comedy Central’s News Headquarters in New York.

ANNOUNCER
February 26, 2010. From Comedy Central’s World News Headquarters in New York, this is the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Theme music.

JON STEWART
Hey welcome everyone to the show! We have a great show for your tonight. Sarah Vowell is here (crowd cheers) and she is going to tell us what it’s like to be awesome.

First, I made a few comments last week – first about Kenyon College being a s***hole – but I quickly rescinded that and corrected myself: it’s Gettysburg College that is in fact the s***hole. But well, I find I must correct myself again. Gettysburg College is a fine institution, a wonderful place to send your children for a higher education, but Stanford, well, their mascot is a tree, you can draw your conclusions from there.

Speaking of Northern California institutions of higher learning, the big news out of the Bay Area: a riot breaks out in the streets around UC Berkeley. What started out as a dance party on Sproul quickly escalated into a protest when hundreds of students stormed and occupied Durant Hall in order to raise awareness about the March Fourth protest occurring next week. Because they all conveniently forgot that the last occupations completely alienated half the student body.

After several hours of occupation, the protestors proceeded to take to the streets, dancing to a boom box in a shopping cart and setting dumpsters aflame. Because nothing makes people take you seriously like setting s*** on fire. I mean, come on guys: shopping carts and trash can fires? Just because you’re in Berkeley doesn’t mean you need to protest like a homeless person.

The mob moved east on Durant, and, according to the Daily Cal, they were accompanied by a white Charger, which the students danced beside, “a practice commonly referred to as "ghost riding the whip."” Because absolutely no NorCal event is complete without getting hyphy.

At approximately 3:15 AM after launching two dumpsters at police officers, the crowds dispersed. In all, two people were arrested and all hope for respect for the student advocacy movement has been abandoned.

John Oliver joins us from the heat of the action. John?

JOHN OLIVER stands amongst rallying students.


JOHN OLIVER
Thank you Jon. I’m here with the students of UC Berkeley, and they are justifiably angry. Whose university? Our university!

JON STEWART
Yeah, I know, the budget cuts are awful.

JOHN OLIVER
No Jon. These students are protesting the protesters.

JON STEWART
They’re protesting the protestors?

JOHN OLIVER
Yes, they are protesting the protestors.

JON STEWART
Wait, no no, we’re supposed to be talking to the protestors of last night—

JOHN OLIVER
But are those really a good representation of the Berkeley campus? Are they Jon Stewart? According to a recent poll, the majority of students at UC Berkeley believe the protesters should just Shut the f*** up.

WYATT
No no no.

JON STEWART
Wyatt Cenac, what, what are you doing Wyatt?

WYATT stands among the students yelling “Whose university? Our university!”

WYATT
I am with the real students of UC Berkeley. The real protestors. Whose university? Our university!

JOHN OLIVER
No, it’s our university!

JON STEWART
Guys guys guys, let’s, let’s talk about this like respectful human beings. Wyatt, what is going on with the actual protestors?

WYATT
Right now, we are planning our next protest. Whose university? Our university!

JON STEWART
Is this about the March Fourth activities?

WYATT
No. We are planning further occupations.

JOHN OLIVER
Oh, because the last few have worked so well.

WYATT
We’re going to occupy a different building every day. First we will take over Valley Life Sciences, and call it FREE-LSB, and then we will take over Cesar Chavez, and it will be FREEsar Chavez, we will take over Golden Bear Café, and it will be FREE-BC—

JON STEWART
GBC?
WYATT
We’re running low on building we can rename “Free.”

JON STEWART
Well what about Free Speech Movement Café?

WYATT
FREE Speech Movement Café!

JON STEWART
That’s, that’s the same thing.

WYATT
But the Free is all capital letters.

JON STEWART
Oh.

WYATT
Yeah.

JON STEWART
I see.

WYATT
Yup.

JON STEWART
Why are you, why are you doing this?

WYATT
We want to protest the arrests of the protestors.

JON STEWART
You are going to protest the arrest of the protestors?

JOHN OLIVER
And we are going to protest the protest of the arrest of the protestors!

WYATT
And we will protest the protest of the protest of the arrest of the protestors! Whose university? Our university!

JON STEWART
John Oliver! I’d, I’d completely forgotten you were still on.

JOHN OLIVER
Yes, because I’ve been under-covered, just like how all the proponents of fee hikes and budget cuts have been under-covered.

JON STEWART
Proponents of fee hikes and budget cuts?

JOHN OLIVER
Yes. We are the people who are okay and actually supportive of fee hikes and budget cuts. You see, California has absolutely no money, and therefore cannot allot any more funds to any of the schools, so the protestors should just shut the f*** up and let us go to class.

JON STEWART
But how are students supposed to pay for these drastic fee increases? I mean, thirty-three percent is a lot.

JOHN OLIVER
That is where Daddy’s trust fund kicks in.

WYATT
Daddy’s trust fund? Not all students have Daddy’s trust fund! And we cannot allow more budget hikes. And thus, we have to march through the streets, burning down dumpsters and making right fools out of ourselves. Whose lack of dignity? Our lack of dignity!

JON STEWART
Isn’t there some way we can reconcile these two points of view? Some way to represent students who care about budget cuts without burning down Telegraph?

JOHN OLIVER
No.

WYATT
No.

JOHN OLIVER
Absolutely not.

JON STEWART
This March Fourth day?

JOHN OLIVER
No.

WYATT
Not unless we can burn some stuff along the day.

JON STEWART
Well that’s unfortunate and wish you two the best of luck on your respective agendas.

WYATT
Whose university? Our university!

JOHN OLIVER
No, our university!

WYATT
Our university!

JON STEWART
John Oliver and Wyatt Cenac everyone. We’ll be right back.



2 comments:

  1. This is my favorite so far hahahahaha.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Katie,
    This is brilliant! This is exactly how it would go down on the show!
    -Crystal

    ReplyDelete