Sunday, February 28, 2010

School-Crossed Lovers Sneak Peek

So, Jon Goldstein and I are working on a piece of Spring Show. We wrote lots of it today, but for the sake of surprise I'm only going to post this one sneak preview:



School-Crossed Lovers



STAN waits, awkwardly wearing a Cal sweatshirt. CALLIE and some friends walk by.

STAN
Hey.

CALLIE
Hi! What are you—I’ll catch you guys later.

Her friends look at each other, giggle and exit.

CALLIE
What are you doing here?

STAN
You dropped your packet.

CALLIE
You came all the way from Palo Alto to give me my packet?

STAN
I didn’t know where to mail it.

CALLIE
So you drove—

STAN
I wanted to see you.

CALLIE
I’m glad you came.Nice sweatshirt.

STAN
Yeah. Some stupid Cal person left it at the game and we nicked it.

CALLIE
Stealing is always classy.

STAN
You know, this is the only time I’ve ever been in Berkeley without a band uniform. And without the intent to steal stuff. I’d love a, um, I’d love a tour.

CALLIE
So you can scope out more things to steal?

STAN
No. I was more thinking dinner.

CALLIE
Eating dinner with a Bear won’t retroactively win you Big Game.

STAN
But maybe it will win you. (Wow. She tries to repress her grin.) Seven o’clock?

CALLIE
Seven o’clock. 

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Charlie Winslow’s Funeral


Charlie Winslow’s Funeral
Scene 1 
Grave yard. Green grass. Morning dew.

CHARLIE WINSLOW, 18, sits leaned up against a tombstone bearing his name. he wears a suit and plays with a blade of grass.

Bells chime in the distance.

Five FIGURES enter, dressed in all black, faces obscured. They sing a dirge.

They quietly stop.

GOD
Charlie Winslow.

CHARLIE
Yes?

GOD
How are you feeling Charlie?

CHARLIE
I’ve got a wicked hangover. Who are you?

GOD
I am God.

CHARLIE
Am I high?

GOD
What’s the last thing you remember Charlie?

CHARLIE
I don’t know, I… Sitting around the basement in my friend Brett’s family cabin, consuming substances I’m sure you don’t approve of—

GOD
Are you sure that that’s the last thing you remember?

CHARLIE
Well, yeah, I blacked out.

GOD
Really Charlie?

CHARLIE
A car. I was in Brett’s car. It was dark. A light… a screeching… a honk… it all went dark. A car crash.

GOD
Yes Charlie.

CHARLIE
I’m wearing my Sunday suit. I didn’t make it.

GOD
No Charlie. You didn’t.

Dirge resumes.

It reaches a climax.

It finishes.

To be continued. 

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Comedy Central’s News Headquarters in New York.

ANNOUNCER
February 26, 2010. From Comedy Central’s World News Headquarters in New York, this is the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Theme music.

JON STEWART
Hey welcome everyone to the show! We have a great show for your tonight. Sarah Vowell is here (crowd cheers) and she is going to tell us what it’s like to be awesome.

First, I made a few comments last week – first about Kenyon College being a s***hole – but I quickly rescinded that and corrected myself: it’s Gettysburg College that is in fact the s***hole. But well, I find I must correct myself again. Gettysburg College is a fine institution, a wonderful place to send your children for a higher education, but Stanford, well, their mascot is a tree, you can draw your conclusions from there.

Speaking of Northern California institutions of higher learning, the big news out of the Bay Area: a riot breaks out in the streets around UC Berkeley. What started out as a dance party on Sproul quickly escalated into a protest when hundreds of students stormed and occupied Durant Hall in order to raise awareness about the March Fourth protest occurring next week. Because they all conveniently forgot that the last occupations completely alienated half the student body.

After several hours of occupation, the protestors proceeded to take to the streets, dancing to a boom box in a shopping cart and setting dumpsters aflame. Because nothing makes people take you seriously like setting s*** on fire. I mean, come on guys: shopping carts and trash can fires? Just because you’re in Berkeley doesn’t mean you need to protest like a homeless person.

The mob moved east on Durant, and, according to the Daily Cal, they were accompanied by a white Charger, which the students danced beside, “a practice commonly referred to as "ghost riding the whip."” Because absolutely no NorCal event is complete without getting hyphy.

At approximately 3:15 AM after launching two dumpsters at police officers, the crowds dispersed. In all, two people were arrested and all hope for respect for the student advocacy movement has been abandoned.

John Oliver joins us from the heat of the action. John?

JOHN OLIVER stands amongst rallying students.


JOHN OLIVER
Thank you Jon. I’m here with the students of UC Berkeley, and they are justifiably angry. Whose university? Our university!

JON STEWART
Yeah, I know, the budget cuts are awful.

JOHN OLIVER
No Jon. These students are protesting the protesters.

JON STEWART
They’re protesting the protestors?

JOHN OLIVER
Yes, they are protesting the protestors.

JON STEWART
Wait, no no, we’re supposed to be talking to the protestors of last night—

JOHN OLIVER
But are those really a good representation of the Berkeley campus? Are they Jon Stewart? According to a recent poll, the majority of students at UC Berkeley believe the protesters should just Shut the f*** up.

WYATT
No no no.

JON STEWART
Wyatt Cenac, what, what are you doing Wyatt?

WYATT stands among the students yelling “Whose university? Our university!”

WYATT
I am with the real students of UC Berkeley. The real protestors. Whose university? Our university!

JOHN OLIVER
No, it’s our university!

JON STEWART
Guys guys guys, let’s, let’s talk about this like respectful human beings. Wyatt, what is going on with the actual protestors?

WYATT
Right now, we are planning our next protest. Whose university? Our university!

JON STEWART
Is this about the March Fourth activities?

WYATT
No. We are planning further occupations.

JOHN OLIVER
Oh, because the last few have worked so well.

WYATT
We’re going to occupy a different building every day. First we will take over Valley Life Sciences, and call it FREE-LSB, and then we will take over Cesar Chavez, and it will be FREEsar Chavez, we will take over Golden Bear Café, and it will be FREE-BC—

JON STEWART
GBC?
WYATT
We’re running low on building we can rename “Free.”

JON STEWART
Well what about Free Speech Movement Café?

WYATT
FREE Speech Movement Café!

JON STEWART
That’s, that’s the same thing.

WYATT
But the Free is all capital letters.

JON STEWART
Oh.

WYATT
Yeah.

JON STEWART
I see.

WYATT
Yup.

JON STEWART
Why are you, why are you doing this?

WYATT
We want to protest the arrests of the protestors.

JON STEWART
You are going to protest the arrest of the protestors?

JOHN OLIVER
And we are going to protest the protest of the arrest of the protestors!

WYATT
And we will protest the protest of the protest of the arrest of the protestors! Whose university? Our university!

JON STEWART
John Oliver! I’d, I’d completely forgotten you were still on.

JOHN OLIVER
Yes, because I’ve been under-covered, just like how all the proponents of fee hikes and budget cuts have been under-covered.

JON STEWART
Proponents of fee hikes and budget cuts?

JOHN OLIVER
Yes. We are the people who are okay and actually supportive of fee hikes and budget cuts. You see, California has absolutely no money, and therefore cannot allot any more funds to any of the schools, so the protestors should just shut the f*** up and let us go to class.

JON STEWART
But how are students supposed to pay for these drastic fee increases? I mean, thirty-three percent is a lot.

JOHN OLIVER
That is where Daddy’s trust fund kicks in.

WYATT
Daddy’s trust fund? Not all students have Daddy’s trust fund! And we cannot allow more budget hikes. And thus, we have to march through the streets, burning down dumpsters and making right fools out of ourselves. Whose lack of dignity? Our lack of dignity!

JON STEWART
Isn’t there some way we can reconcile these two points of view? Some way to represent students who care about budget cuts without burning down Telegraph?

JOHN OLIVER
No.

WYATT
No.

JOHN OLIVER
Absolutely not.

JON STEWART
This March Fourth day?

JOHN OLIVER
No.

WYATT
Not unless we can burn some stuff along the day.

JON STEWART
Well that’s unfortunate and wish you two the best of luck on your respective agendas.

WYATT
Whose university? Our university!

JOHN OLIVER
No, our university!

WYATT
Our university!

JON STEWART
John Oliver and Wyatt Cenac everyone. We’ll be right back.



Thursday, February 25, 2010

Locker 265



Locker 265
February 25, 2010
Originally written last spring

FADE IN:

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

An ALARM clock -- time: 7:27 -- blares, blinking. The face indicates that it is February 14.

Hidden under his sheets, a BOY snoozes. He elicits a loud SNORE.

He holds a folded sheet of PAPER in his limp, sleeping hands. Written on the paper are the words: Leah, locker 265.


EXT. LOCKER 265 - DAY

LEAH, teens, stands at locker 265, holding a similar piece of paper.

HAPPY COUPLES with teddy bears and balloons pass by from all sides.


INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Boy rolls over in bed, moving his non-papered arm to hang over the side. It points directly at a small pile of VALENTINE’S DAY MEMORABILIA (a bouquet of roses and a card that says “Leah”) sitting on the ground.


EXT. LOCKER 265 - DAY

Leah looks around. She looks back down at the note.

NOTE
Meet at your locker before school for a Valentine’s Day surprise. 
Love, your secret admirer.

She looks up and sighs.


INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Boy’s eyes open with a start. He sits up, shoots a glance at the alarm clock. 

Oh. Crap.

He jumps out of bed.


EXT. LOCKER 265 - DAY

An attractive GUY starts to walk towards Leah. She takes in a quick breath - perhaps it’s him!

He walks by. No. It’s not. Shit.


INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Boy frets about his room, shuffling through piles, pulling out his hair, trying to find something. He glances at the clock; 7:49.

He grabs the Valentine’s Day memorabilia and a miscellaneous jacket and runs out the door.


EXT. LOCKER 265 - DAY
The school bell rings. Kids start to walk in vaguely similar directions.

Leah turns her head to see the kids walking to class. She looks back. She bites her lip. Maybe he will show up?


EXT. STREET - DAY
Boy bikes down the road, backpack and memorabilia in tow. He checks his watch. He bikes harder.


EXT. LOCKER 265 - DAY

Leah glances around.


EXT. STREET - DAY

Boy bikes.


EXT. LOCKER 265 - DAY

Leah glances the other way.


EXT. STREET - DAY

Boy bikes.


EXT. LOCKER 265 - DAY

Leah crumples the note in her hand.



EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL - DAY

Boy bikes up to bike rack. He struggles with his lock for a minute, before haphazardly closing it. He rushes in through the front gate.


EXT. LOCKER 265 - DAY

Leah walks away, dropping the note in a trash can. She sniffs back a tear before continuing on her way. Just as she walks away...

Boy approaches locker 265, holding the bouquet in one hand, his card in the other. He glances around. She has disappeared into the homogenous mass of students heading to class.

With a look of desperation he leans up against the locker, and slides to sit on the ground.


INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Leah sits in her seat, her eyes still red from the stifled crying, her eyeliner vaguely smudged. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a compact mirror. She glances in it, cleans her eyeliner and puts the compact back in her purse.


EXT. LOCKER 265 - DAY

Boy glances at flowers, then sighs.


INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Leah rifles through her backpack, searching for something.

An “Oh. Crap.” look flits across her face. She raises her hand.


EXT. LOCKER 265 - DAY

Boy sits at the base of the locker, staring at the bouquet.
Leah’s FEET approach him. She clears her throat. He glances up. The rest of Leah is there too. He quickly stands.

He looks her straight in the eye. With a slight breath, he hands her the bouquet and the card. She gently looks at the bouquet, then at him. He smiles apologetically, and opens his mouth to speak when-

She leans into kiss him. His eyes widen in amazement, then close to enjoy the moment.

It’s adorable.

FADE OUT.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Statute of Limitations


Statute of Limitations

Sheriff’s office. Las Vegas.

Only half the stage is lit.

HARRIET sits at her desk, bored. Her phone rings.

HARRIET
Las Vegas county sheriff’s office, how can I help you?

The other half of the stage lights up.

David’s bedroom.

DAVID sits on a rolling chair, talking on his phone.

DAVID
Hello Harriet.

HARRIET
David! Hello. You’re early this week.

DAVID
Yeah, I have a gig tonight.

HARRIET
Oh so let me look up your file…

DAVID
Surprised you don’t have the date memorized yet.

HARRIET
Surprised you don’t.

DAVID
If I did I wouldn’t call you every week. And wouldn’t you miss our weekly chats?

HARRIET
Haha true. Well your statue of limitations is up. You are free to return to Las Vegas.

DAVID
Awesome!

HARRIET
Free to gamble and party and run as many red lights as you want.

DAVID
Until I get caught.

HARRIET
Until you get caught. And run from the cops again.

DAVID
Yes, I know, I know it was a dick move—

HARRIET
Stupid move.

DAVID
But if I never ran that light, maybe I’d never met you?

HARRIET
I’m sure you could have committed some other petty felony…

DAVID
Because I’m such a criminal.

HARRIET
Yes you are.

Pause.

HARRIET
So I guess this is goodbye.

DAVID
So I guess it is.

HARRIET
Unless you decide to run any more red lights.

DAVID
No, probably not.

HARRIET
If you’re ever in—

WOMAN’S VOICE
Honey! It’s time to go!

DAVID
I have to go.

HARRIET
Oh.

DAVID
Thank you very much for all your patience with me over the years.

HARRIET
Of course.

DAVID
Take care.

HARRIET
You too. David—

He hangs up.

HARRIET
Goodbye. 

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Romantic Hero



The Romantic Hero 

Street.

Stage right: An apartment – the blinds closed but a dim light on.

Stage left: MICHAELA stands in the street in a beanie and a sweatshirt.

MICHAELA
Jeremy! Jeremy! I know you’re in there your light's on!

(She picks up a pebble and throws it at the window. Nothing happens. She shoves a few in her pocket)

I waited all night for you to call me. I waited all night for you to care to—for you to—Jeremy!

Goddammit. This is just my luck this is, this is bloody fucking great.

You know that part in every movie where the man comes running in after the girl as she’s getting on her plane or in the car or she’s about to marry that other man and he comes and he yells at her and declare his everlasting love and makes a bloody fool out himself and all that good stuff and a bunch of bananas? Well yup! This is that part in the story. I am the man. I am always the man in these sorts of situations. Good fucking dammit.

Hey leading man! Hey George Clooney! Tom Hanks! I’m here! I’m here! It’s time to make your screen debut!

But you know what? This is the twenty-first century. Yeah, this is the twenty-first century goddammit! And if I want to stand in the street and confess my love if I want to. Yes, I love you. I love you! And I will scream it to the goddam bloody heavens if I have to, because I am the romantic lead in this piece. Yes, I am the romantic hero – the romantic hero that never showed up.

I wrote you a poem. Yes, I wrote you a freaking poem. I always wanted a boy to write me something. A love letter? A song? A poem? For a while I even wanted a boy to write me a play. A whole goddam play. Jesus Christ I’d be happy with a haiku. You could’ve written me a haiku Jeremy. Yesiree, just three little stupid lines and I would’ve been happy. I would’ve felt like king of the world. And you’re a fucking English minor. Good bloody tastic.

So I wrote you a haiku. Three haikus, in fact. This is my grand, sweeping romantic act. I wanted to read them right to your face—but I guess I’ll just have to read them to your window. Right out here for the world to see.

(Unbeknownst to her, JEREMY walks up beside her)

You won’t remember
How you danced with me that night
You were way too drunk.

I watched you stumble
Walking home can be so hard
When you are piss drunk

Despite shortcomings,
I can’t stop thinking of you
What is wrong with me?

There you go. Three haikus. Three fucking haikus. I have more. They’re all written down here but, those are the ones I thought I’d share.

(She pulls one of the pebbles out of her pocket, bounces it in, and preps to throw.)

JEREMY
The haikus were cool but I’m not sure I’m down for broken windows.

MICHAELA
Hi Jeremy. Um. I already threw a couple. But they didn’t hit any windows. How much of that did you hear? I mean, do you have a context? At all?

JEREMY
I’ve sort of gathered that you wrote haikus about me. Doesn’t really explain the pebbles.

MICHAELA
When I was young and stupid – younger and stupider – well up until now I’ve always dreamed about boys throwing pebbles at my window. It seemed like the most romantic thing. And I figured that since I was being the boy in this situation I would fulfill for you that fantasy. Vicariously fulfilling it for me.
I’m being Romeo right now. I’ve never had a Romeo so I figured I’d be… You know, climbing over garden walls and declarations of love and…
I’ve got to go.

JEREMY
Wait!
(She runs off)
I’ve never been Juliet. 

Monday, February 22, 2010

Мама дома?

In which Katie decides not to study for Russian... and ruins a perfectly good language.

Please don't make fun of me. I know about 2 verbs and have the vocabulary of maybe a raccoon.


Мама дома?
феВр. 22, 10

Улица. Ирина Михаиловна и Александр Михаилович гуляют.

АЛЕКСАНДР
Здравствуйте сестра!

ИРИНА
Здравствуйте.

АЛЕКСАНДР
Как дела?

ИРИНА
Xорошо. И вы?

АЛЕКСАНДР
Очень хорошо! Где Мама?

ИРИНА
Мама дома.

АЛЕКСАНДР
Мама дома?

ИРИНА
Да.

АЛЕКСАНДР
Какой ужас!

ИРИНА
Ужас?

АЛЕКСАНДР
Еë мать тоже дома!

ИРИНА
Бабушка тоже дома?

АЛЕКСАНДР
Да!

ИРИНА
Мама а Бабушка...

АЛЕКСАНДР
Я зчаю.

ЕРИНА
Ах нет!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Remember Me When

Remember Me When

High school hallway.

JENNA NICKSON, 17, stands at her locker. She opens it. She puts some things in, takes some things out. She closes her locker. CONNER KENSEY was standing behind it.

CONNER
Hello Jenna.

JENNA
Oh my god, scare me half to death.

CONNER
You’ve gotten a bit skittish since I saw you last.

JENNA
When a boy your presumed dead randomly shows up in your high school hallway, you’re not generally calm. Speaking of which, aren’t you dead.

CONNER
Not dead yet. And probably won’t be for a long, long time.

JENNA
Isn’t that a shame.

CONNER
Don’t you walk away from me Jenna. I thought you’d be happy to see an old flame.

JENNA
You’re the last person I’d ever want to see.

CONNER
Come on. Don’t you remember the fun times we used to have together? Spooking Old Man Cratchitt’s chickens, sending tidal waves through the Strawberry Valley pool, discussing all sorts of happily ever afters for Charlotte Carlsdale—

JENNA
Don’t you ever mention Charlotte Carlsdale.

CONNER
Sorry, sorry sorry. Forgot that was such a touchy subject for you. I hear they’re still looking for her. I guess blondes look good on milk cartons…

JENNA
I said shut it. Leave me alone.

CONNER
Just hear me out a bit.

JENNA
I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.

CONNER
I missed you Jenna. I actually missed you. After all those awful things you said to me, after all those awful things you did to me, I actually wanted you back.

JENNA
The awful things I said? The awful things I did?

CONNER
We all make mistakes Jenna. God it feels great to say that name again.

JENNA
I want you to go away. And never come back.

CONNER
That sounds like an excellent plan I will not be abiding by. You will be prepared to see more of me. And I’m sure that in a very short amount of time you will enjoy it.
Oh, I’d almost forgotten, I still have a few possessions of yours. I don’t have most of them with me – I suppose you’ll just have to see me again so I can return them to you.

JENNA
You can keep them.

CONNER
Oh, I don’t think these are things you’ll be wanting me to keep. Actually, I’d quite love to keep them – but I suppose my heart is just too dear to deprive you of your family heirlooms. Like this mirror.

He takes a small hand mirror out of his pocket and tosses it towards her feet. Without thinking, she sticks out her hand. The mirror floats a few inches above the ground. She looks at it, looking somewhere between humiliated and enraged, and the mirror floats up to her clenching fist.

CONNER
Lucky catch. It’s seven years’ bad luck to break a mirror.

JENNA
How many did I break to have you in my life?

CONNER
More than seven years’ worth babe. I’ll see you around.

JENNA
How dare you—

She looks over to see that CONNER is gone. After hesitating angrily, she carefully stuffs the mirror in her pocket and walks off. 

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Sometime Ago



Sometime Ago

High school ten-year reunion.

PAMELA HARPER enters with her husband KEN. She awkwardly adjusts the ring on her left ring finger.

PAMELA
You really have garish taste in jewelry, you know that right?

KEN
I wasn’t about to spend the big bucks on a two-day wedding ring.

PAMELA
But you could have at least bought something with taste. I know seven year olds  who could’ve chosen better.

KEN
Meh.

LARA COSGROVE walks up to them.

LARA
Pam! Kenny!

PAMELA
Lara! It’s been far too long!

LARA
Too long indeed. It’s—what’s this on your left hand? And yours too? Are you too married.

PAMELA
(holding up her ring)
I’m Pamela Harper!

LARA
How precious! We all knew it was going to happen. All knew it.

KEN
Actually, according to our records, you didn’t.

LARA
What?

PAMELA
Ken.

KEN
But no matter. No matter at all.

LARA
Oh, this is just so lovely. I wish I could eat you both up! Oh my goodness, Henry Charger?

LARA walks away.

KEN
What was the point of getting married if we’re not getting a financial return?

PAMELA
You don’t extort money from people due to bets they don’t recall making. If they’re sober. We need to wait a few hours until people are drunk enough.

KEN
Meh.

PAMELA
Meh?

KEN
I’m going to go get some champagne.

PAMELA
You do that.

KEN walks away. JIM MABLE walks up.

JIM
Pamela Foster?

PAMELA
Jimmy Mable!

JIM
Hey, you—hey.

PAMELA
Hi.

To be continued.

Friday, February 19, 2010

How Pie Hooked Up with Cake One Drunken Night

How Pie Hooked Up with Cake One Drunken Night

Courtyard.

PETER PIE sits on a barstool – sturdy, sophisticate, intelligent.

CRYSTAL CAKE walks in – chubby, sweet, sincere.

PETER
Oh. It’s you.

CRYSTAL
Yes it’s me.

PETER
Surprised to see you around these parts. Shouldn’t you be home powdering your nose?

CRYSTAL
What good is powdering your nose if the world won’t see it?

PETER
What good is a nose if you must powder it to be presentable?

CRYSTAL
Some of us enjoy being pretty. Some of us enjoy dressing up.

PETER
I like to think of myself as a man of substance.

CRYSTAL
I like to think of you as a man of blandness.

PETER
Always lovely to see you Crystal. I bid you good day.

CRYSTAL
Wait! I haven’t seen you in a while. Ten years in fact.

PETER
There’s a reason we haven’t seen each other for ten years.

CRYSTAL
Don’t you want to know how my life has gone?

PETER
Not particularly, no.

CRYSTAL
My life is going quite well thank you very much. I’m working at a beauty store.

PETER
Helping other women become shallow pretenders?

CRYSTAL
Helping other women externalize their inner beauty.

PETER
Whatever.

CRYSTAL
Wait! How has your life been going?

PETER
Wonderfully. I am going—

CHESTER CAKE, 9 years old, runs on.

CHESTER
Mommy!

CRYSTAL
Chester Cake! What in God’s name…

CHESTER
We’re on a field trip Mommy!

CRYSTAL
I know sweetie, but—

CHESTER
Look at this awesome leaf I found!

CRYSTAL
Chester darling—

CHESTER
Cheese! My name is Cheese!

CRYSTAL
Cheese. You need to stay with your class.

CHESTER
Look at my leaf!

CRYSTAL
It’s lovely. You need to go back with your class.

CHESTER
Okay. I love you Mommy!

CHESTER runs off.

PETER
Mommy?

CRYSTAL
I am a mommy.

PETER
Who’s the poor unfortunate daddy?

CRYSTAL
He’s nine years old and Daddy prefers not to stay in the picture.

PETER
Nine years?

CRYSTAL
Yes.

PETER
Oh shit!

CRYSTAL
Well.

PETER
You lying whore! You said you were on the Pill!

CRYSTAL
I also said I was German.

PETER
When you’re a goddam Frenchie.

CRYSTAL
Oui.

PETER
Take one piece out of you and you’re a total mess.

CRYSTAL
Excuse me. Excuse me. I have raised a child all alone for nine years. I am not a mess.

PETER
You’ve gotten super fat.

CRYSTAL
Cheese is lucky he doesn’t know his father.

PETER
Why is he named Cheese?

CRYSTAL
He’s Chester. He just likes to be called Cheese.

PETER
So a drunken hook up between Peter Pie and Crystal Cake resulted in Cheese Cake.

CRYSTAL
Yes.

PETER
And you raised him all by yourself?

CRYSTAL
Yes.

PETER
Well now I feel bad.

CRYSTAL
As you should.

PETER
Or not really.

CRYSTAL
Really.

PETER
You deserved it.

CRYSTAL
What?

PETER
Because you, Ms. Cake, are a lie. Ar.

CRYSTAL slaps him.

PETER
Ow.

CRYSTAL
You don’t deserve the joy that is little Cheese.

CRYSTAL stands up indignantly and exits.

PETER
You missed your chance Peter. What do we do now?

Blackout.

Topic recommended by Danny Beallo.