Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Stalkers, Anonymous





Stalkers, Anonymous
The basement of a church. Chairs line the room; inspirational posters deck the walls. A pile of black clothing lies on a table.
EDWARD CULLEN sits in a chair, his fingers interlaced and twiddling intensely. JAY GATSBY, in a white suit, walks in.

GATSBY
Well hello there old sport. Are you here for the meeting?

EDWARD looks at him sullenly, then returns to twiddling.

GATSBY
Mind if I take a seat next to you old sport?

EDWARD
Go ahead.

GATSBY sits.

GATSBY
The name’s Gatsby. Jay Gatsby.

EDWARD
My name is Edward. Edward Cullen.

GATSBY
Pleasure to meet you Mr. Cullen.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY, a cheery young nun, enters with a tray of snacks.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
Oh, hello. You must be here for the meeting. I’m Sister Mary Margaret May. Yes, I know it’s a mouthful of name (laughs) but what can you do? I just brought us some snacks, and if you would help me move these things off the table.

GATSBY gets up and helps her, first by moving the clothes. EDWARD looks perturbed. He springs up.

EDWARD
No Bella no!

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
I beg your pardon?

EDWARD stands there, catatonic,

GATSBY
Old sport?

Pause.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
I suppose we ought to sit him down.

GATSBY
We should.

They grasp him and struggle to pull him to his seat.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
My goodness he’s cold as ice.

GATSBY
No pulse.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
Oh. Oh Christ. Don’t say he’s died on me.

EDWARD snaps out of it.

EDWARD
Don’t worry about me dying. That would be quite difficult.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
Oh, goodness good. Phew. Don’t want anyone dying now. That we would not want.

GATSBY
Are you okay old sport? You were cold as death.

EDWARD
I said don’t worry about it.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
Well it’s after seven I think we should start. Feel free at any point to get up and get some snacks from the table I have juice and crackers… Anyway. (She sits.) Let’s go around the circle and introduce ourselves. As I said before, I’m Sister Mary Margaret May. I prefer my full name, if you please, but if you find that pronouncing all three M’s gets in the way of your recovery you may call me Sister May. I am here because I used to be just like you and now that I have gotten better I want to help others do the same. There. Now go around the circle and say the same.

GATSBY
My name is Jay Gatsby. I am a stalker.

EDWARD
Edward Cullen. I am a stalker as well.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
This, this is good. Acknowledging your problem is always the first step in confronting it. Now, let me tell you a bit—

ANGEL OF MUSIC emerges from the pile of clothes. He wears all black. A white mask covers half his face.

ANGEL OF MUSIC
(sings)
I am the Angel of Music.

GATSBY
Well hello there old sport.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
Oh, hello. Are you a singer Angel?

ANGEL OF MUSIC
That. Architect and designer. Composer and musician. And a stalker.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
It seems like you all recognize your issues. But in acknowledging it, that shows that you want to get better. Which is why it’s good you’re here. Because I am here to help you. Now let me tell you a little bit about myself. I was once like you all, lost, alone, aimless in life. But then, I found him.

EDWARD
God?

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
Arthur Potter. He had dark brown hair and clear blue eyes. He played Mercutio in my high school production of Romeo and Juliet. Damn he made those tights look good. But after two years and a restraining order, I realized that I had a problem. A severe problem indeed. And so I confronted my problem. I used Jesus, but that doesn’t mean you need to use Jesus. One of the other members of my support group used World of Warcraft. But in any case, I am living proof that there is hope for you. There is hope. So. Who would like to share their story?

They all look at each other silent.

GATSBY
Well, I guess I’ll go first then old sports. As I said, my name is Gatsby. For the past ten or so years I have been in love with a woman named Daisy. She’s beautiful, charming… born with a silver spoon in her mouth. She loves me too. At least, she did once. Then she got married. But I’ve never given up hope. So I throw parties every weekend, just hoping she’ll come to one. And when I came back from the war, I bought a house with a perfect view of hers—

EDWARD
You bought a house that could see hers?

GATSBY
Perhaps that was a bit extreme old sport, but—

EDWARD
Buying a house, that’s kid’s stuff. I sneak into Bella’s room every night and watch her sleep.

ANGEL OF MUSIC
I rigged Christine’s mirror to serve as the entrance to a secret passageway so I could drug and kidnap her to my subterranean love lair.

EDWARD
I read my sister’s thoughts as she reads Bella’s future.

ANGEL OF MUSIC
I have a life size doll of her in a wedding dress in my closet.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
And these are all very good revelations! It’s key to admit your missteps in order to relinquish them. But let us let Mr. Gatsby finish—

EDWARD
What’s the age gap between you and Christine?

ANGEL OF MUSIC
Twenty five years. Give or take.

GATSBY
Great Scott old sport!

EDWARD
Kid’s stuff. One hundred.

GATSBY
One hundred? You don’t look a day over twenty old sport!

EDWARD
I don’t look a day over seventeen.

GATSBY
Then how…

EDWARD
You don’t want to know.

He stares out, brooding.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
Would you like to continue Mr. Gatsby?

ANGEL OF MUSIC
But have you been leering at her since she was a pre-pubescent?

GATSBY
It sounds like you really need to talk yours out, old sport. Why don’t you go before me, old sport?

ANGEL OF MUSIC
I gave her my music. Made her song take wing. And how does she repay me? Denies me and betrays me.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
Would you like to expand on that Angel?

ANGEL OF MUSIC
This insolent boy, this slave of fashion – he was bound to love her when he heard her sing. Oh, Christine!

GATSBY
And she married him? I’ve been there old sport.

ANGEL OF MUSIC
And I said, I SAID, they would curse the day they did not do—

EDWARD
Bella!

ANGEL OF MUSIC
Really? Really Cullen?

EDWARD
Alice sees Bella handling knife! Must stop Bella from using butter knife because she may accidentally stab herself and die! Cannot live in world without Bella!

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
No no! You can’t go! That is completely counterproductive to the… the healing…

EDWARD
Must save Bella!

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
I’m sure your Bella can handle a butter knife.

EDWARD
No she can’t! She—Oh, Alice’s vision is changing. Bella decided to forgo dinner roll for frozen yogurt. Only handling spoon. Crisis averted.

ANGEL OF MUSIC
May I continue?

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
Perhaps Edward should talk briefly about Bella. Since it’s put him in such a state.

GATSBY
Is she beautiful?

EDWARD
Yes. In a very any-girl-could-fit-in-her-shoes way. And she smells so good.

He looks tortured, then starts salivating.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
It’s always good to know exactly what about our fixations appeal to us.

GATSBY
Her beauty and charm.

ANGEL OF MUSIC
Her angelic voice.

EDWARD
Her intoxicating smell.

GATSBY
How she encompasses everything I wish I were.

ANGEL OF MUSIC
How she lets me run my hands all over her and orgasms while I’m singing.

EDWARD
How I want to eat her. And not in a sexual way. In a brutal, cannibalistic way. Which would involve her dying.

ANGEL OF MUSIC
She makes my song take flight.

GATSBY
She makes my shirts take flight. While I throw them at her and she cries.

EDWARD
She makes me take flight. Because I want to eat her.

GATSBY
Daisy has always been my goal.

EDWARD
Bella is my life.

ANGEL OF MUSIC (sings)
Christine I love you.

They look at each other.

EDWARD
We must get to them.

GATSBY
Old sport I think we must!

ANGEL OF MUSIC
Christine might be at Coney Island. Love never dies!

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
No no no, this is completely counterproductive—if you would please take your seats… I have, snacks…

EDWARD
Let us out or the next snack will be your neck.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
My, my neck?

ANGEL OF MUSIC
Keep your hand at the level of your eye!

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
My hand?

GATSBY
Move, or I will say old sport until you go nuts!

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
Oh no!

They approach her. All of a sudden, the door opens and MARY SUE runs in. She is impeccably perfect looking.

MARY SUE
Hello! My name is Mary Sue. Am I late for the stalker meeting?

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
No, you’re, you’re right in the nick of time. Who are you stalking?

MARY SUE
Oh, I’m dreadfully worried this is going to sound absolutely silly but… Are you Jay Gatsby?

GATSBY
Why yes I am old sport.

MARY SUE
We read The Great Gatsby in my AP English class. It was my favorite novel all year. I sleep with it under my pillow. And attribute symbolic meaning to random objects F. Scott Fitzgerald style! Oh, I was calling my friend old sport for weeks.

GATSBY
Why, thank you.

MARY SUE
And oh my god, you’re the Phantom. I mean, Erik, teehee. I’m not just a stupid run-of-the-mill phangirl. I know your real name is Erik. And that Gerard Butler should never have portrayed you because you’re supposed to be ugly and a fantastic singer and Gerik is the complete opposite of both of those! And you would never follow Christine and the fop to Coney Island like Andrew Lloyd Webber and Frederick Forsyth seem to think you would. That would completely ruin the poetry of your story arc and destroy the elegant tone of your setting!

ANGEL OF MUSIC
I suppose—

MARY SUE
I have four shirts. Or five. And the illustrated copy of the screenplay. And a music box. And I’ve listened to the CD at least three hundred times. I can tell you where Gerard Butler is flat and Emmy Rossum cracks a note and when Sarah Brightman’s acting is especially creepy. And Michael Crawford, oh, I love Michael Crawford! I’ve always wished a man would write an opera for me! And creepily talk to me while I slept!

ANGEL OF MUSIC
Thank you?

MARY SUE
Edward Cullen. You are Edward Cullen. (She squeals maniacally.) Ohmigod I totally love you! I am, I am Team Edward all the way. My friend Heather is a Team Jacob and ohmigod, we are totally not friends anymore. Ohmigod. I have every Twilight book and I’ve read them like, twenty times. Stephenie Meyer is like, a genius! Ohmigod! I have an action figure of you. A legit action figure. I’m too scared to take it out of its packaging because I’m worried my dog will eat it. Out of some stupid loyalty to canine kind. But I kiss it every single night. Ohmigod I can’t believe I’m meeting you!

EDWARD
(to SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY)
Is this what we look like to the outside world?

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
To a degree.

MARY SUE
Ohmigod! I just want to like, collect you all and put you on my shelf!

ANGEL OF MUSIC
Suddenly I don’t want to go to Coney Island.

EDWARD
Bella can take care of herself.

GATSBY
Daisy’s kind of a bitch.

EDWARD
You said you used Jesus to get over your obsession?

ANGEL OF MUSIC
I could try my hand at serialism. That way I can take the emotion completely out of my music and retain my pretention.

GATSBY
I could expand my bootlegging. Erm. Inheritance investments. Old sport.

EDWARD
I could try applying to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Maybe enter some tournament of the triwizard sort.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
This is good! You are being proactive. Learning to get over your fixations—

EDWARD
Anyone want to see a movie?

ANGEL OF MUSIC
I hear Avatar is pretty good.

GATSBY
That sounds wonderful old sport!

MARY SUE
I wanna go too!

EDWARD
Then let’s go.

The three exit.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
You never did say who you were obsessed with.

MARY SUE
Fictional characters. Wait for me!

She exits.

SISTER MARY MARGARET MAY
Oh dear.
Blackout.

7 comments:

  1. yes!yes!yes!



    this made my night
    you're legit

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Hahaha! Wonderful! My favorite part has got to be when Edward sees Bella with a butter knife. So true. Great job!

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  4. That was great! If I didn't know that I haven't yet told you of my F. Scott Fitzgerald and Phantom of the Opera obsessions in high school, I'd have thought you based Mary Sue on me, ha ha. Though, I hate Edward/Twilight (which allowed to really enjoy your carictature of him). Good job!

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  5. Um, I didn't know how to comment, so I used my AIM account, not realizing that this does not provide my picture or name. So, um, my name is Maya and I am a stalker.

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  6. So late reading this, but I'll be catching up pretty soon. I love it.
    Keep up the good work (as I can see you've been doing)!
    :)

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