Friday, January 8, 2010

Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before, We Will (in bed)




Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before, We Will
(in bed)
A hotel room. OLYMPIA sits on the bed. She is dressed as Princess Leia. Standing next to her is her brother STUART, dressed as Chewbacca (minus the head)
STUART
Are you sure you don’t want to head down now sis?
OLYMPIA
I still need to work on my hair a bit. I’ll be down soon.
STUART puts on his head and exits.
Someone knocks at the door. OLYMPIA answers it. MILES, dressed as Captain Kirk, enters.
MILES
Hello Beautiful.
OLYMPIA
You’re five minutes early! What if my brother were still here.
MILES
I waited until the walking carpet was down the hall. Took every ounce of my body not to spit in his hairy face.
OLYMPIA
Oh Miles, I wish you wouldn’t.
MILES
Sweetheart you look wonderful. Although you’d look much better in the uniform of a member of Starfleet.
OLYMPIA
I wish you wouldn’t.
MILES
Wouldn’t what? Tell the truth?
OLYMPIA
Tell such blaspheming lies. And show up in that hideous canary number.
MILES
Why would I show up to Comicon wearing anything less than the uniform of the captain in the history of ever?
OLYMPIA
I bought you a very nice Han Solo costume. You could’ve worn that! And then maybe we could see each other in public. And with my brother.
MILES
Never. I’d rather suffer with secret love then parade about in that monstrosity. Ugh, it makes me shiver in disgust. Besides, wouldn’t you prefer that I dress like the hunkiest stud in the history of forever?
OLYMPIA
Yes, I would, which is why I got you the Han Solo costume.
MILES
Pssht. What a pussy.
OLYMPIA
What about the most romantic man of all time? Oh, when Leia says “I love you” and he says “I know,” every time, every time I die of the romantic giggles. Ah!
MILES
How about when Kirk informs Marlene she is the closest to perfect he has ever seen?
OLYMPIA
Han doesn’t require perfection. He loves Leia just the way she is.
MILES
Then you should take a leaf from his book and love me just the way I am. In my Captain Kirk costume.
OLYMPIA
You know, if it weren’t for Star Wars, my brother and I wouldn’t exist.
MILES
Ugh, so you mean your parents were doing it during—
OLYMPIA
Ew no, they met at Lucasfilms. You perv. Though I’d sure rather be conceived during Empire Strikes Back than during Wrath of Khan.
MILES
At least my new addition to the franchise didn’t SUCK.
OLYMPIA
Why you—
STUART enters, Chewbacca head off.
STUART
Hey sorry sis, I totally forgot my card…
He spots MILES. He immediately puts his head back on and growls Chewbacca style.
OLYMPIA
No Stuart!
STUART grabs MILES. They tussle. It is epic. Eventually, STUART manages to wrestle MILES out of the room.
STUART
Olympia, are you okay.
OLYMPIA
I’m okay.
STUART
How did he get in? Disguised as a waiter? A bellboy? Did he threaten you?
OLYMPIA
No I… I let him in.
Beat.
STUART
You what?
OLYMPIA
I’ve secretly been dating a Trekker.
Beat.
STUART
My sister. Dating a Trekkie.
OLYMPIA
They prefer to be called Trekkers. They say Trekkie is degrading—
STUART
And they deserve to be called something degrading. Them with their… phasers…
OLYMPIA
Stuart…
STUART
Get out.
OLYMPIA
Stuart!
STUART
I said get out! A sister who dates a Trekkie is no sister at all.
OLYMPIA
I’m not leaving. And you can’t make me.
STUART
Then I’m going to leave. There’s a Lucasfilms booth down there with at least fifty Jedi who would make a much better boyfriend for you than that Captain Puke would. They will know my pain.
He starts out, then pauses and rips her hair out of their buns.
STUART
Unworthy of these buns you are.
STUART puts the head back on, growls and exits.
OLYMPIA sits down her bed, hanging her head in shame.
Blackout.

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